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CricketM 
9:35am, November 18, 2009
I went on here for support & help but I can't get any! Evidently my arcaic computer isn't up to date so I can't reply to discussions, can't start one, can't change my mood, can't update anything!!! I'm having a really shitty up-down day with all sorts of awful thoughts! One minute I'm fine thinking how wondewrful life is the next I get paranoid about my job & relationship, wonder where all my friends are but don't want to impose on them with all my problems because I feel like when I call them up all my news is "bad" news about my health or something that didn't go right.
My new news for the week is that we had awful storm yesterday that came up suddenly & when the whistle went off to seek shelter I hurried & grabbed what I could, felt awful because I couldn't get my cats with my stupid leg & went to the basement. got to the far end stumbiling in the dark, tried to turn the light on & the cord came out without turning the light on when I pulled it. I continued on to the spot we have set up in the dark running into things & hurting my leg...then find out that the basement started to flood & had to start bailing water that was surting out of the wall! I have this adrenaline rush with everything so I didn't feel how bad I was till later.
So today I'm in bed, once again on my f***ing crutches that I wish I could throw away with all the pain. I think I broke through some of the scar tissue which has been there for 5 years. Of course I don't have any pain meds to really help me with this sort of thing anymore except the one that I take for emergencies that I can take one a day & I have to sign a contract w/ the doctor stating such. These stupid people that make it harder for us with REAL pain & REALLY NEED the meds get screwed!
I'm mad at those people, at myself for getting hurt, & at the world for letting me get this way...yup I'm in a deep depression again bouncing up & down actually not feeling so good. I have to hide this of course from my parents that I live with (because of the disability & bills from it) because they are leaving on a trip & I do not want them worried about me while they are gone esp. after I just convinced them NOT to have all these people to come over & check on me because I'm fine! But now I'm not so fine...why does God let this happen??! I do not believe God causes these things, I believe it is the world & man & the "evil" of this world...man has to make choices & that has affected all of us generations....don't try to follow my logic, I just like to believe in a caring, loving God...but right now I'm pretty pissed off at the world!
Why does my boyfriend have to suffer so much too??! Called him hoping to get some comfort & also to see how he was doing (was doing great past few days) but of course he's having an awful day too...just not fair!!!
I know he's not well today & now I'm not too well today either physically & mentally...I want to scream! I want to sit in a corner & cry (but I can't even get down on the floor to sit in a corner let alone get up from it...if I even would want to get up that is) So I went on here to find some support like I'm suppose to...but of course I'm f***ed again! It's like looking in on a world that could help me but I can't get to it while I'm stuck ina world that is full of pain & darkness! I don't want to be Alice with the stupid looking glass!!! I haven't been able to find anyone to communicate with on here anyway but I thought "Hey, I'll start my own discussion maybe that would help" but nope! I can't do that. It's like I'm blocked at ever move never to get the support I need only meeting pain & suffering!!
I wish I could be by my boyfriend's side & help him!!! I would love to call him but I have nothing to rally say, plus he hasn't answered my emails...I know he's having a bad day & I don't want him to think I'm intruding...but my parinoia is making me freak out thinking "he doesn't want to deal with me...he doesn't really love me...the distance thing is too hard for him" What do I do now?? Will anyone even read this? Probably not...
Time to dry my tears & put on that fake smile, pretend I'm ok & go & do the dishes as mom tells me all the things that she's going to see on her trip.....
How do you choose an entry when it fits just about every mood except happy???
My new news for the week is that we had awful storm yesterday that came up suddenly & when the whistle went off to seek shelter I hurried & grabbed what I could, felt awful because I couldn't get my cats with my stupid leg & went to the basement. got to the far end stumbiling in the dark, tried to turn the light on & the cord came out without turning the light on when I pulled it. I continued on to the spot we have set up in the dark running into things & hurting my leg...then find out that the basement started to flood & had to start bailing water that was surting out of the wall! I have this adrenaline rush with everything so I didn't feel how bad I was till later.
So today I'm in bed, once again on my f***ing crutches that I wish I could throw away with all the pain. I think I broke through some of the scar tissue which has been there for 5 years. Of course I don't have any pain meds to really help me with this sort of thing anymore except the one that I take for emergencies that I can take one a day & I have to sign a contract w/ the doctor stating such. These stupid people that make it harder for us with REAL pain & REALLY NEED the meds get screwed!
I'm mad at those people, at myself for getting hurt, & at the world for letting me get this way...yup I'm in a deep depression again bouncing up & down actually not feeling so good. I have to hide this of course from my parents that I live with (because of the disability & bills from it) because they are leaving on a trip & I do not want them worried about me while they are gone esp. after I just convinced them NOT to have all these people to come over & check on me because I'm fine! But now I'm not so fine...why does God let this happen??! I do not believe God causes these things, I believe it is the world & man & the "evil" of this world...man has to make choices & that has affected all of us generations....don't try to follow my logic, I just like to believe in a caring, loving God...but right now I'm pretty pissed off at the world!
Why does my boyfriend have to suffer so much too??! Called him hoping to get some comfort & also to see how he was doing (was doing great past few days) but of course he's having an awful day too...just not fair!!!
I know he's not well today & now I'm not too well today either physically & mentally...I want to scream! I want to sit in a corner & cry (but I can't even get down on the floor to sit in a corner let alone get up from it...if I even would want to get up that is) So I went on here to find some support like I'm suppose to...but of course I'm f***ed again! It's like looking in on a world that could help me but I can't get to it while I'm stuck ina world that is full of pain & darkness! I don't want to be Alice with the stupid looking glass!!! I haven't been able to find anyone to communicate with on here anyway but I thought "Hey, I'll start my own discussion maybe that would help" but nope! I can't do that. It's like I'm blocked at ever move never to get the support I need only meeting pain & suffering!!
I wish I could be by my boyfriend's side & help him!!! I would love to call him but I have nothing to rally say, plus he hasn't answered my emails...I know he's having a bad day & I don't want him to think I'm intruding...but my parinoia is making me freak out thinking "he doesn't want to deal with me...he doesn't really love me...the distance thing is too hard for him" What do I do now?? Will anyone even read this? Probably not...
Time to dry my tears & put on that fake smile, pretend I'm ok & go & do the dishes as mom tells me all the things that she's going to see on her trip.....
How do you choose an entry when it fits just about every mood except happy???
Comments
Oh Cricket, if you ever need/want someone to talk to please message me. I totally understand what you're going through and we can work things out together. I also get pissed at God for letting this happen to me.
EvelynJean3
Unfortunately I can't message on my computer that I have right now. I have an old operating system so I can't update my browser. Extremely fustrating! I had been using my mom's computer to do some things I could not on this one but she took it with her to Sweden.
Not having the best day today either...just talked with my pain doctor today because my pain has been slowly creeping back...almost made it a month after the block. He said he'd do another one if I wanted to. I can't get myself to do it yet though. So I will probably work through it till I end up in the wheelchair again. I cannot just yet do it because I feel like I'd be giving in. Don't know how I do it but I do & will till I crack probably lol. At least I guess I could feel somewhat lucky in that I do not have all the full blown symptoms of it, just what they now call either stage 1 or RSD 1. Thank God they changed how they diagnose because otherwise I might have been once again overlooked.
I wanted to find out if anyone else has had a gaining weight problem with meds or whatever. Never did until this year & it's not like I can go get on a bike or walk it off. I watch what I eat for the most part but not sure what else I can do in my condition.
Just one more thing to be cursed with maybe...does it ever end? Thank you so much for your support by the way. Makes me cry to think someone might understand
CricketM