CricketM's Journal

I just updated my treatments section & I feel like it's never ending & that none of it really helps.  I've been on so many things for so many years It's so fustrating.  All the money I spend on it all each year...the medications, the doctor treatments, & anything else connceted to my medicatl problems.  I have people wonder why I don't have any money to do this or that & then I say "Well I have had about 6 surgeries & therapy & medications that I have to pay for & as soon as I'm done paying one another one pops up..." so no I can't live by myself like many people my age, no I can't go on a "real" vacation - haven't had one of those in years or even been to any warm beach or spa or anything in my life.  My time off of work is usually just for doctor visits.  I get so jealous of those that can go on a vacation or to even visit family & friends for that matter!  Nowdays the only time I get so see any of my close friends is when they come to see me since they all live across the state or in other states.  I miss them so much!  I haven't seen some family members that I used to see almost every day in years since I had to move because I couldn't take care of myself!

I'll probably never be able to have any kids of my own & that really is very upsetting to me since the only really true thing I ever wanted to be was a mom & everyone always told me how great I'd be at it.  Now I can't even look after my own nephew (who I was a nanny for when he was born) or my neice when they visit.  I can't get down on the floor to play, I can't go to the park with them because I can't run around playing with them or make sure that they are ok.  What if they need help?

I can't ride a bike I can't go hiking or a long walk in a park that I used to love to do.

I'm so tired after work anyway that I wouldn't be able to try to do any of the things that I CAN do...I use most weekends just recouperating from work so that I can get up on Monday & do it all again.  I force myself to get out of bed each day not because of any depression that I might have but because of the pain & I HAVE to go to work because I need the insurance & money to pay the bills...this is no life at all!!  I'm 33 & I have nothing to really live for....just each day to get up & work & pray that I can do it without too much pain.

I have to go now...I'm too upset & in tears to do anything else....