sunbrite4444's Journal

My father is an abusive alcoholic. He ruined my childhood. The beatings aren't as bad, as the verbal abuse. That stays with you. I was told I was nothing, told and called everything under the sun on a daily basis. He told me the only man who would ever marry me would be one that beat me. I believed that's what I deserved. But I got so very lucky and found a man with a heart of gold, and I treasured him, and he treasured me. I was gone from the clutches of my fathers hands. I found the best man a girl could find, and we were so happy. I visited my family from time to time, mainly for my mum, and I was guilted into it. 2 Years ago I let this demon into my life, he would come to stay where we were living every weekend just about. So what do I do. I try to please him. It was very conveniant for him to stay with us, because he would play bowls up the road, could drink as much as he wanted, and didn't have a long drive home. Every weekend I would virtually shake, and lock myself in my room knowing he was coming, but at the same time would make a good effort. I didn't realise his venom was creeping back into me. He would put me down, but I just ignored it, not realising it was impacting me. I once again felt unlovable and felt I deserved to be beaten, so I basically could not accept any love from my husband. His venom slowly kept creeping into me that I would start to behave like him. Even though I felt I was going crazy, but my  confidence was down again, I couldn't believe my husband loved me, and would not believe he found me attractive even though he told me all the time. I pushed him away, time, and time again. I knew we had to move. Move away with a smaller house where this person would not stay. I even tried to tell them once, they can't come like this all the time, but I let him overpower me. Me and my husband were growing further and further apart. It seemed I didn't care, but god I loved him more than anything in this world, but I wasn't me anymore, some demon had crept in. This went on for 2 years and I was not strong enough to put my foot down, and I was being worn down, and more worn down. So when we moved into here I was so excited, so looking to the future, I would be gone from his clutches again. But it was too late, my husband left 3 weeks later. I've blamed him for it because I haven't been able to face the truth, and he would not believe me that things will be different, when I knew, just knew how good they would be again. A few weeks later when my father came and said some terrible things to me, I told him to get out, and he was no longer welcome. I haven't seen him since, and have no desire to. But I did it too late. He put my husband down, only because he knew he was a better man, he didn't abuse me. I didn't defend him. I would when he wasn't around and my dad made stupid comments, but when he said something terrible to him, my response was basically his old now, he's an alcoholic, don't worry about what he says, just ignore him. I reverted back to being that girl that didn't deserve love, so I couldn't accept it. I couldn't show it. And I couldn't stand up to my father. I've lost the best thing that's ever happened to me in my whole world, and did what I should have much too late. I can't forgive myself for this. It hurt my husband to leave, he is still always there for us. I feel that he still loves me, but he is done. I cannot love another. Ever. I feel sick to my stomach, I cannot look at myself. What did I do. I created a monster. I let him make me into a monster. I had the best thing in the world. I was cherished everyday. My father has won. I don't deserve to be loved. I destroyed something amazing. It was me. That's why I can't let go, because it was me. And it was the abusive alcoholic who taught me this way...But I let him back into my life. Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk