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sunbrite4444 
8:18pm, August 19, 2009
Well I see I haven't written in this for 2 months. I guess things have changed alot. I'm doing much better, but the past few days have been very hard. I haven't been getting sleep again. I feel so much like I need a break. I've had my son, not that I don't want him. Every day except for Saturday nights, and have dealt with everything concerning him totally on my own for nearly a year now. I haven't even been away overnight, and just feel like a holiday. I'm becoming stressed, but trying hard to keep it under control. My anger is coming back, and some sadness, as I just found out I have arthritis, my knee is so bad I can hardly walk, and may need a knee replacement. I'm off to the hospital in a couple of hours for mri. I have to drive to the city.
I'm angry and sad that I am going through all this on my own. I feel this is a time that a family should band together, and I should have my husband by my side, but he's not. I've sort of been a mess because of this for the last couple of days, and I'm not looking forward to going to the hospital on my own, not at all. I'm also supposed to start a job tomorrow, and I'm in pain, and just so tired. I feel lonely right now, and very alone. I really need to muster all the strength I have to get through the next few days. I'm trying to be as positive as I can but it's hard. The year has been hard, and I'm finding it is just getting harder. I know I have a mental illness, and have learnt to deal with that, but have always told myself I will always be physically healthy. To find out I have arthritis has been really bad news for me.
I'm scared right now. I'm really scared. It's another battle I have to fight I guess, but another battle I don't want to have to fight. I feel I have no peace, just one thing after the other. I just want peace for a little while. I don't want suprises, or anything else to go wrong, but just trying to find some positive is had at the moment. I don't want to be alone right now, and am struggling because I am. I feel like I'm being punished in some way because I must just be a terrible person or something. I know I'll get through this, I know. But I'm struggling to. It's been a very tough year.
Comments
I should have done the non contact thing from the start. I'm starting now though, have already started. I don't want to acknowledge him. Know anything about him, and just don't want to talk to him at all. I'm still angry though. Angry because I forgave him for his faults so many times, but the minute he has a problem instead of talking about it, totally blinsided me though. That's what has been the toughest to deal with.
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I'm proud of you!!!!! No contact is the best way to cut him out and move on... even tho its also the toughest thing to do!!! You are already stronger than you were a month ago! Keep it up!
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No contact is difficult b/c it also means allowing them to move on from you. It's letting go of an shred of control you may have been grasping for as well as false hope. I'm only six weeks into it (no contact). Can't say that I feel better...some days I am in agony...but I will listen to my wiser more experienced DS friends on this one. I'm with you.
My son went camping and 4wd with his dad for 4 days..They do this trip reguarly, with a whole heap of other guys, and their kids. Take their motorbikes up, and have all sorts of adventures. This is the first one they've had since he left. I sorta knew I was going to take it hard, but not as hard as I did. You see everyday they drive to the main town, and everyone rings their wives to say they're fine, and give updates and such. Everyone going was going to be ringing all the same wives they normally do. Execpt mine. I feel left out, I feel I don't know really lonely. It's been a bad four days. I thought I was going to die. I've sobbed the whole time, and just drank. I wish I had some drugs, I really do. I was going to visit, and do stuff. I kept myself extremely busy during the day, working in the garden and stuff to the point I would be aching. I know my hubby is the type to drive to town so my son can ring me. It sounds strange, but I didn't want him to do that because I knew I'd be talking to my son with hubby right next to him, and he wont talk to me. It happened 3 days, they are due back today. Everytime my son rang, I had to sound up beat, and say how good it is he's having a great time, and stuff. Then he would say goodbye, and I would hear hubby in the back before he would hang up, and it was the worst. It was really bad. I'm so upset, I couldn't walk out the door yesterday, I felt I was going mad, now I have to pull myself together, and sound so happy when my son comes home and tells me all the stuff they got up to. I'm a total mess. I can't do this...I can't.
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I understand. i feel like I can't "do this" another day too. But it is the reality.I am so sorry for us both.
Past Entries
| June 2009 |
Thursday, 6/04
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May 2009 |
Tuesday, 5/26
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Thursday, 5/21
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Thursday, 5/14
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A big supportive hug to you, my friend.
RedRapunzel