KayleeB's Journal

Today, my mind has been everywhere. The past, the future, the present. I was remembering all kinds of crazy things.

As some of you may know, and now you will, I have clinical depression, don't apoligize, I'm working through it. Most of the time, I have the ability to keep it in check, last night however not so much. Anyways, I was thinking of the tragedy that almost happened last night, and it really got me thinking.

I'm fucking retarded as shit sometimes. Really, I am.

It's been one hundred and forty four days since I last cut myself, and I've been cutting since I was twelve, so going this long is a huge deal.

I'm getting off topic.

Alright, so I was thinking.

I hurt people a lot. Intentionally or unintentionally, I do it almost everyday. What really killed me was how I treated my mom last night. I let my emotions get the best of me, and I said things I have no right to say. My mom has been here every step of the way since I told her everything that faithful day, January 25, 2008, and I treated her like absolute shit, because I was upset with a bunch of other things. I had no right at all. I also realized how much it affects people when I get extremely suicidal and then tell them about it. When I was emitted into the hospital for attempted suicide last year, I was being selfish. Who am I to not only kill myself, but to kill a part of someone else? This summer, I was going to move far away from the small town that I lived in, even that hurt my best friend, the only person who is always here for me, no matter what. Sometimes I wish I could be six again, instead of eighteen. I remember I loved the swing sets at parks, and laying in grass, and making up what the clouds look like. I remember the abuse I endured. I remember the fighting. I remember the violence. I remember the drugs. I remember leaving my dad. I remember being homeless. I remember it all. What I remember the most however, is how fucking happy I was. Ya, I was sexually abused, and I still have some things to settle with my parents because of it, and ya, I was homeless, but I was happy. Through everything, I was happy, then I moved to CO. I was barely seven, and I moved away from my home. I went there, and everything changed. I was bullied because of my size, my skin color, my accent. For a small bit of time, I was fearful of my life. Then, a miracle happened. The person my world revolves around was born. He is my baby brother, and my entire life. Then I turned twelve. I remember going on my first date, and spending almost every weekend with my friend, and loving school and every detail about my life. I never cried about anything. Then it hit me. I had a flashback of the abuse, and suddenly, all of these repressed memories came flooding back, I freaked out and cut myself for the first time, and I hid it from everyone. I turned thirteen. I still cut, but not a lot. I got my first kiss that year. I still spent every weekend with my friend. I still felt pretty good about everything. My best friend and I became best friends. Then high school happened. I cut all the time. I tried killing myself multiple times. I've been anoerxic. I've gotten drunk to feel good. I still smoke cigarettes. I guess the whole point of this, is just to say, I've realized that if I lived through my childhood, I can live through high school. I'm eighteen, and I have my whole life ahead of me. I'm going to keep smiling through it, no matter how hard it gets, because I know I need to.

(: