Join Now
passion2write 
4:53am Friday
Hey friends! Wow, it's been 6 months and I'm still struggling really bad. I am craving all of it to. My alcohol, cocaine, and pills. Mainly my pills though. I guess you could just as well sayANY HIGH! I am on Suboxone to help me from withdraw of the opiates that I was on for 15 years. I am going downin does now and was on 4 a day and now I am on 3 and a half. I am afraid though because I'm being comforted by the fact that I am on an opiate. It's half an opiate but still a narcotic. I want to rush off these so I can drink or take a pill. They said it's an opiate blocker so if I do take something than it will block the effects. I know it's confusing, but I want that high still. I crave it and so desire it, but I am trying to take this ONE day at a time like they say. They say just be happy for today and thankful that your sober today. Don't worry if your going to relapse tomorrow. I cna't help it htough because of my mind frame. I mean, I have 3 kids and I'm married. I don't want to get trashed and party. I don't desire that old lifestyle. I just need that high. I am so used to popping pills everytime I get stressed, bored, or argue with my husband. I have been doing that basically since I was 12. I started drinking when I was 12 and than got heavy later. I than went to cocaine and after I got in the car accident, I started taking pills. I got pregnant also at age 19, so I had to quit cocaine and the beer. I did it but I was on pills for pain and started to likehow they made me feel. So, I have been on them 15 yrs. and after 13 yrs. I started drinking again. So, I really have never been without drugs since 12. So facing life sober is really crazy and hard. It's just a hard thing to do. I am trying though. I love my family and don't want that old life. Just a high. So I have to face that demon everyday and fight the urge. I am trying to quit smoking and that is just so hard right now. Just keep praying for me friends. I am always here for any of you who needs to talk. Though I sound messed up I have been throuhg so much pain and I can relate to you all on a lot of different subjects. I am always here to listen friends. Take care~ ((((Hugs)))) Lisa~
Comments
I haven't quit smoking yet. It's very difficult because I had to give up everything else so it's like I'm holding on to this one! I gave up my alcohol, pills, and cocaine and that was very hard! I know I can though! I am still trying! 
UPDATED GOALS
Beat this nicotine habit!
0 days smoke free
Encouragements: 1
Add your supportComments
-
wow that is a lot to give up!!!! Its amazing that you have done so well with all the other things you have given up! Dont forget to give yourself a lot of credit for all you have done so far. It sounds like you are very strong and motivated. You will get there. Keep your head up.
-
Thanks! Yes it's hard as hell! But I'm doing it! I have a very supportive husband and that helps a lot! Still craving but getting better. Take care, Lisa~
We were suposed to go to my mom;s house for 2 weeks while my husband did the National Guard, but he ended up with 2 hernia's and had to get surgery. We ended up staying another week. It was pure hell. My poor mommy (Bless her heart) has MS. She has always been mean though and I grew up in hell with my parents. It's a long story but we did nothing but argue daily. She was very mean and just always nagged about everything. She made us do all the chores. I have an older sister and younger brother so I was the middle child. I was the black sheep and still am. Even though I am doing better than the both of them now, I still am the bad one. But anyhow, she would lie to everyone and tell them I lay around all day and watch TV and don't do any housework. She would tell everyone that I was so mean to her and just a bunch of lies. It was crazy. My father was a raging holic. He was always angry. He was a Marine which usually speaks for itself. But, when he would yell at us, my mom would have to shut the windows. It was all so embarrasing. I hated my home life so much that I ran away twice. I actually tried to kill my mother. Won't get into that, but it was that bad. I just couldn't take it anymore. It was hell. To understand it, you would have to stay there a few days. Nobody ever really believed that it was as bad as I said it was.
Well, being married to my husband for 15 yrs., he knew how they were. He knew how crazy it was there but just being there this past month made him actually see a lot more. She has gotton progressively worse with the MS and some dementia. But it seems to amplify her natural personality. I mean she lies and makes stuff up. She claims that we all steal from her and she says that my kids steal from her. I'm not sure if that is from the MS or not but I'm told it is. It' just so frustrating because she steals from me. She will take my brush, make-up anything she can. I just can't handle this. She is always on my kids. She nags them and always says they are going to break something. She says no, don't touch that cause you might break it. She was like that when I was a child. She would flip out if we broke something of hers. But, she calls my dad like every 5 min. She is in bed all day and can walk but not good. She usually falls and refuses to use her walker. But she drives my poor daddy crazy also. She is always calling us to show us something on QVC. She is so addicted to buying stuff from there. But, wow, it was pure torture there. So much went on and now I don't have time to finish.
I also got into an argument with my sister. Long story but found out she is using and my brother is also. I am an addict as well but wow, it all made me so want to go out and have a few drinks! I am going crazy without my pills and alcohol. I will write more later but I have to go.
UPDATED GOALS
Beat this nicotine habit!
0 days smoke free
Encouragements: 1
Add your supportComments
-
Wow..The tension in my family wasn't that big but I know what you mean. People were blaming me, saying that i wasn't patient enough, that I should try to understand my family and be calm. My cousin was saying that too, until she stayed here for like two days and got into a serious fight with mom, ended up slapping each other really badly. Best way for me is ignore, but that means no help or words from her whatsoever, like living alone. The intimacy is also an issue, seems like this house doesn't have doors to knock at!
Past Entries
| May 2009 |
Sunday, 5/10
|
Goal Updated
Hi Lisa....kudos for maintaining your sobriety for six months! You should be very proud, but try to hold on, even though you're tempted to get high. I know it's a long road ahead, but you can do it. Just think about your family, and how much they need you. Good luck, my friend....I'm cheering you on!
Sabrina
Sabrina15
Hi Lisa, you're in my prayers, as are all of my daily strength friends, who are all #1 in my prayers. Just keep focusing on the accomplishments that you have made, and that you have made it thus far, and keep telling yourself that you ARE a survivor! I'm always here for you if you need someone to talk or chat with.
TimmyB
I'm on campral for alcohol cravings and was on naltroxone also.I found that these drugs helped me with alcohol and drug cravings.I know its not easy and I will pray for you.
Keep up the good work!!!!
Tony
bongoboy
the only shadows in this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine. looks like ur keeping yourself out of the shadows lately :) may your life be always full of sunshine... be safe. survive via love!!! it is the cure for everything , focus on that. im sure you know :) wish you the best
grkgirl