albacore33's Journal

My wife and i have a long history together. Decent friedns and dated casually in high school. Came back from college and we became more serious. Always pretty good friends but as she would describe it, i'm a pretty selfish person and i have never really been a "great" friend or been there for her in times of need.  I've never really been emotionally connected to anyone my whole life anyway. I moved away for work and we had long distance relationship. I moved again for work and asked her to come with me this time.  She agreed, but i think what really drove her decision was her chance to escape her own troubles at that time.  She made friends in this new city but she would say that i was more like a roommate to her than a partner.  Although we lived together, i would go out with my own friends there. We did a bunch of things together but i left her isolated and made several mistakes by not tending to her or meeting her emotional needs.  I was in my own world. Nonetheless, we got married two years later and moved back to home city.  We then just went about our lives. I focused on my career, We had two kids along the way. She would say i was married to work first. My career has not taken me to the places and heights i was hoping for.  I always struggled that i wasn't generating enough income for our lifestyle.  Work was my escape from establishing any real emmotional connection. I've lost friendships along the way.  I stopped hanging out with my friends. I've become isolated and any connection i had, which was limited, was just with my wife and kids. But again i was in my own world. My wife would say that i was hardly involved in raising our kids. She made all the decisions. This was the case becasue i felt she was just so controlling that i completely backed off.  This dynamic was the core reason we never became emotionally close with one another.  Meanwhile she is a social butterfly. Makes new friends around every corner. Has a large network of "best" friends. I had nobody really.

I have been dealing with stress for so long now. Work has always been a huge pressure. Paying mortgages and private school for kids and saving for our future has become more and more difficult. I'm watching everything we were able to save over the years disintegrate as expenses continue to exceed income. My wife says its an obsession of mine and has stripped me of life. She hates hearing about it so i dropped the conversation but it still eats at me. I bring it up ocassionally to her, but all the time in my head. 

All the frustration i have built of not being there for my wife and the feelings of my not counting and fear that i do not measure up as a man have taken its toll on me. I boiled over one night. We were in a big fight one evening as a result of a huge misunderstanding and years of pent up frustration. It got to a point where she threw my stuff outside into the backyard, including a Valentine's Day camisol (sp?) i gave her a couple nights before. She was so angry she dunked the thing into the dog bowl first before she heaved it outside along with everything else.  When i was coming back inside from gathering my things that were strewn all over the yard, she blocked the door and put her foot at the base of the door to prevent me from coming it. More yelling ensued and she was using all her force and power to shut me outside and then from out of nowhere, a tsunami of rage came through me and i thrusted the door open with everything i had in me and went straight for her neck. Possessed by this rage, I reached out aggressively and choked her, literally lifting her up off the ground and pushing her back against the opposite wall.  I was outside of myself.  The next thing i knew, I let go and ran into the other room trying to understand what had just happened. what had i just done. Did i just choke another person. I have been angry before and hit walls, punched objects, even became aggressive with our pets, but never lashed out at a person. She called the police and somehow, i did not go to jail that night. The two and half years since have been an unbelievable rollercoaster and nightmare. If it was bad before, well now....

She would say we were never great together before all this. Now we were at a whole other place and it was a bad bad place. I went to a year of anger management. We went to therapy together. I'm still in therapy today. I wish could undo this all. You know that scene in "When Harry Met Sally" and they are talking about the "do over". I need a do over in the worst way. I have awakened to realize that she is the best woman in the world and I blew it. I mistreated her for our entire relationship going back to when we were just kids. I never gave her what she deserved.  I want to do our 15 years over again so badly.

The anger has been pretty much in control since that incident. There were a few times where i became irrate, a little scary to her, i'm sure. We have agreed no hands approach to controlling the kids and i have felt the need to use force as a dad to make a point (a potch on the tush or sternly picking them up and placing them in there room or a timeout, but i also know i have no leniency for the fact that i was physical with my wife that one night and i should not have used my hands at all. This has not helped our situation. She remained doubtful.

I could tell I had lost her to another world and i could tell we were never going to get out of this funk. Several months went by and the tension between us mounted. We became roommates at best with occassional sex.  Something was definately different between us. I called her out on something being different but she just brushed it off. I started getting suspicious. I had concerns that she was not interested in me because someone took interest to her and she was receptive of it. I was right. She found a much younger guy who became infatuated with her. She had an affair with him. she explains that it was becasue she became numb to me and needed to clense herself of the pain i caused. They ended things but it took a while to take  hold. I know she still talks to him even today. She swears it is over, though. Now i have my doubts. 

At this point, I just want to make good on all the years we lost. How can i fix everything at this point?  Although it was incredibly painful for both of us, she stuck it out through the incident and i had no choice but to accept her infidenlity. I drove her away. It was my fault. I accept that. 

I am turning 40 this year. Mid life reality setting in? I am looking at myself in a whole new light. I want to completely shed myself of this horrible depressed and angry person i have become.  I am realizing she and my girls are everything. I need to rekindle my friendships or find new connections with guys. I don't have a best friend anymore.  I need to somehow establish closeness with friends and my entire family.

Since she confessed to the affair and since i realized i had to make sgnificant changes at the beginning of this year, she started to like what she was seeing from me. But she wasn't sure that was i was offering was genuine. Was it out of fear of losing her or did i really feel this way? She has her doubts. She doesn;t trust me. She fears me. My obsession to make things right has became overwhelming and suffocating to her.  All her doubts over the last 15 years kept infiltrating her mind and preventing her from allowing herself to become vulnerable and exposed. She refused to give in. She put up a wall. My frustration built up. The underlying resentment from both of us remains.

One evening about two weeks ago, we were getting ready to go out to a party. Baby sitter was taking over for the night, we were running late and i needed to grab something from upstairs. I couldn't find what i was looking for and was calling down to my wife to help me but she wasn't being helpful.  My little girl came into the room and wanted my attention.  I was unintentionally ignoring her as i was trying to find what i needed from the drawer so we could leave. My little girl started hitting me on my ass really hard, in part, to be silly and in part to get my attention.  I was so focused on what i was doing that when she suddenly really hit my ass HARD, in frustration, I turned towards her without warning and gave her a pretty hard slap to her chest, pushing her away from me.  While my arm was in motion i remember yelling at her, "Cut it out!" Again, i immediately could not believe i went to this ugly place after all the anger management classes and tools i have been taught to use to control it such an outburst. I couldn't believe i snapped.  I left my huge handprint from slapping her on her little chest . She was absolutely fine physically but the emotionaly damage i must have caused. I'm beside myself. My wife took a picture of my hand print on her chest. It was a red flush mark you see if you get slapped. I felt horrible. In that moment, everything crumbled. My wife went ballistic on me. I left the house in a panic. the evening and our lives have been destroyed since. This incident has brought her back to that night i choked her and she is unsettled all over again. What have i done?

More than three weeks have passed since and we have been struggling to manage through the emotions, pain and feelings. I am just so lost and directionless, confused, anxious, and have this overwhelming and relentless feeling of hoplessness. I'm so in love with my wife at this point and i'm rejected completely. It's pretty clear now that i have been in a major depression for several years. I'm not the same person i was. I used to be happy, smiles, laughing, but that person has been long gone.  

She asked for a separation. We have been struggling as roommates in our house and getting in each other's way. It's getting worse by the day. She tells our therapist that she wants to try to work it out with us and the family but her actions speak clearly that she doesn't. I have this constant fear she's searching for something else and vulnerable to it. she's out 4 nights a week to escape from me. She texting other guys and they are texting back at all hours of the night. I've just become this constantly depressed, insecure creature. I'm not sleeping. I can't think straight. I have no motivation. Hell, i even played hooky from work for the first time in my 17 year career because we got in a fight early one morning and i just couldn't bring myself to get into the office. I went to the park with a blanket and book and literally stayed there all day in a depressed funk.

I don't know if i can salvage this and she won't have anything to do with me. I'm calling my doctor today to see about medication. I'm deteriorating.