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Coffeecake 
Iv been thinking a lot over the last few weeks about how my past has affected me growing up and how I don't want it affecting my daughter as she grows up.
I have written up about the sexual abuse from my mums friend but not about it from my "friend" down the road. He was my best mate (so I thought) and my only friend as I didn't go to school and didn't get a chance to meet anyone. He was 3-4 years older than me and we used to "play games" that always had a very sexual nature. As we got older the "games" continued and then he was taken away from his alcoholic mother for a few years.
When he returned (I was about 12) I said I didn't want to play anymore and he told me he loved me. It turned out he just wanted sex and if I didn't give him what he wanted he would beg and manipulate me, saying I didn't love him, he would not love me and so on. His mother found out and said I was lying, (he lied alot) her son would never do that and band me from seeing him. He would still come round for a quickie until i met erm...lets call him R. He was in his late 20's (I was 14 but iv lied about my age since I was 13 so I could work, he thought I was 17. I got amazingly good at hiding my real age to keep my jobs and to this day one of my friends still thinks im older and because iv known her for 10 years now I don't know how to tell her but that's for another day) and he was even more manipulative, an alcoholic and very violent. We where only "together" for a few months, I got pregnant and had a miscarriage and he left.
I had a few sexual relationships after that but it was always with people I had known for a long time and where friends with but never had an emotional connection to and I never slept with anyone that I actually liked and may have had a future with.
When I was 15 I moved out of my mums and got a place of my own, it was a new start for me, new beginnings. I decided to try normal dating when i was 17 but my first attempt at a normal relationship went horribly wrong, I didn't really like him but thought I would give it a try, he was obsessive and deep down i knew it and he ended up stalking me.
I met a really nice guy at my friends wedding and I really really liked him (he still means a lot to me now in a strange way) and he was the first person i actually wanted to be with and stupidly i jumped in to bed with him, it was different for me and braking the mould so to speak. I saw him again a few days later but he ran for the hills (and I don't blame him) after he met my stalker. Because of him (one night stand guy) I decided to sort my life out and confront the reasons for my dysfunctional behaviour and my stalker. I got rid of him eventually and buried my head in work, stopped drinking and stopped being around bad people.
A few months later I met my husband and we became very good friends, I new I loved him but I didnt want to. He never made a move on me and then after 4 months he told me he loved me, I thought oh shit here we go again, i got very insecure and I tried to get rid of him, I told him we would never ever be anything more than friends, but no where near as polite. To my utter surprise he said ok and never mentioned it again. Many many more months passed and I finally kissed him, he was very shocked and didn't stop smiling for weeks. He is the most wonderful man you could ever imagine and has helped me so much. I still hate anyone hugging or touching me but I'm extremely affectionate with my husband. I am working on being more social and trusting people more, I always think why? if anyone wants to get to know me, and iv still got the little voice in my head from my mum and other people telling me everyone hates me, everyone will eventually hate me or use me, dont talk to anyone, they are all out to get you......
Iv got a lot of work to do!!
Comments
Yes, you have a of work to do, but look at how far you have come on your own! That little voice in your head lies to you, but you already know that. I think that you will overcome that as well. I am so glad to meet another strong survivor! Bless you this Mother's Day. Hope that you have all the joy and happiness today that your heart can hold, because you SOOOO deserve it!
mtnmama62
I'm so glad that you decided to post your latest entry. I hope you will not decide to leave DS. I totally agree with the others who have responded. I hope you will think about what they have said. We all have stories about the past that stay with us and can, if we let them, ruin any chance for happiness in our adult years. I wrote a journal entry a while back and never posted it. I have always been a private person and opening myself up to the world makes me feel vulnerable. What I wrote might be of help to you so I'm going to put aside my uncomfortableness and post it here to let you know, like the others before me have, that you are not alone.
My mother was on one hand a good and caring person who kept a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs for my brother and me. On the other hand she was cruel, controlling and both physically and emotionally abusive.....one minute she would seem fine and the next she was in an uncontrollable rage. She told me time and again that I was worthless and would never make anything of myself. She also looked the other way and made it possible for me to be sexually molested by a family member. It was a living Hell because she was so out-of control at times.
My folks were divorced when I was about 8 or 9 so my brother never really knew my Dad. I had been a Daddy’s girl and my mother resented me BIG-time because of it. I was a reminder of how much she hated my Dad. When it came time for me to be on my own, and I had met Dick, she realized that she was losing control and she couldn’t handle that. I was going to school and working part time when one day I came home and found myself locked out the house with only what I was wearing. I was fortunate that a neighbor took me in until I could rent a room. Needless to say, the neighbor was definitely not high on my mother’s list of favorite people after having helped me! My little brother was 10 at the time and she totally cut me off from him. Also, since my Uncle (her brother) befriended Dick and me and told her how wrong she was to do what she did, she cut him out of her life and kept my brother from him, too. She threatened both my Uncle and us with legal action, as well as physical harm, if we tried to contact my brother. That year she returned the Mother’s Day card I sent her. She wrote on the envelope, “Opened by mistake”.... and on the inside, “Coming from you this is trash.....d-i-e-d (with an arrow to my name and the date she locked me out of the house).”
Thankfully, there is a happy ending to my story:
When my mother died my brother came across her address book and found that she hadn’t told him but she had been keeping track of us all through the years. We tried many times to make contact with her, but she refused to even talk with us. Our last street address was wrong, but the name of our town was correct. He wrote me a letter and sent it to the Chief of Police and asked that he somehow deliver it to me. Luckily, a deputy’s wife had worked with Dick and knew both of us. Since it had been 29 years my brother wasn’t sure if I would want to hear from him, especially because of the circumstances that caused us to be separated. The letter was delivered to me and I phoned him. He is married, has 4 sons and doesn’t live in the U.S. so that was the reason I had not been able to locate him when I tried several times over the years to find him. I’m happy that I can say that our being so much alike has made it possible for us to bridge the years. I feel blessed.
The reason I wrote about all this is because a DS friend wrote that she understood that I was in pain and she reminded me how important both good....and not-so-good..... memories are and that even though it’s hard we need to face the fact that the not-so-good ones can't be changed; a simple truth that I had somehow lost sight of. My Mother had made me feel worthless and stupid so I gave up on life and had it not been for my meeting Dick when I did she would have succeeded. It has been so hard for me to make myself realize that she could hate me so much that she was willing to destroy me any way that she could. Because it is so painful it has been a good while since I have let myself think in detail about this awful time in my life.......a-n-d, as hard as it is to make myself remember, seeing the words on paper and facing the hurt I feel is helping me to heal!
Please know that there are more good and caring people here on DS than there are others and if you continue to look in on the postings, and I hope that you will, you will see that YOU ARE N-O-T ALONE! My very best to you.......I’ll keep you in my prayers......I hope it will help you to know that we care. Joanie
fluffkin
My mother was also very controlling and used the, "I'm just telling you the truth, for your own good. I would never lie to you" approach. She convinced me that my grandmother and aunt hated me, I didn't see my grandma for years because I thought she hated me and thought my aunt banned me from seeing her after she got put in a care home, she eventually died and I didn't see her. She also convinced me that I had nerve damage to my bladder from a heart operation ( I wet the bed) and that I was dyslexic. She didn't let me go to school or have any friends, apart from 1 who abused me and his mother was an alcoholic and a friend of hers. She told me that she broke up with her boyfriend (the only man who DIDN'T abuse me and actually showed me some love) because he hated me. She also used to go in to blind rages for no reason and tell me it was my fault for disturbing her. I hate the fact that I still crave her love and want a normal family. I asked her to call me almost 2 months ago....a simple request and so far, not a word......I guess that says it all....
Coffeecake
Thankyou for telling me your story, I don't mean to be rude, I'm just to much in my head right now and cant think of anything to say but thankyou! *hugs*.
Coffeecake