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innerdialogue 
9:37am Monday
okay.
i know how hard it appearantly is to live with a multiple. i can imagine too. thinking you know a person, who becomes completely different all of a sudden.
but, i notice that my bf makes me switch often.
and when i try to tell him that, he just doesnt understand.
sometimes he even says im using it as an excuse!
he cant help it, that i switch when he has something to say that i cant handle.
but i cant help switching.
but, he often still sees me as one person. cause when we got together, none of this was known. i was 17 when when we got together.
i knew there was something wrong, but not what it was.
so, when my protector is being mean,(for a reason!), he is being mean too. my protector is a real bitch, and often says thing that just cant. once i threw my bf through the frontdoor! it was accepted as an accident but still, se did it, i get the blame, and the scars on my arm.
but when he is mean too, he is being mean to a child, cause she feels the pain, and comes out to tell him why that pain is there. in an almost hysterical way sometimes, crying like a 6 yearold, doh. often i dont even know why is is being mean back at me, untill later.
often i think he is using the forgetting thing to make me think i started, while he did. he has borderline, so, idk.
then the protector wants to get back at him again. and tell him what he is doing, but in a very different way, you know.
and because im not diagnosed, and still a long way from even being taken seriously at my t's, we cant go discuss it there, if he would even take part in it.
i sometimes doubt very strongly that this relationship will survive DID, whether its due to him giving up, or one of me.
i just cant give up, cause there is always a part of me that doesnt want to.
why cant i just be plain normal?
how do i handle this shit?
