innerdialogue's Journal

so..

long time no write...

but now i feel it's necessary again..

i've had my testresults from both my kidneys and my psychological report.

the kindneys were okay i guess. could have been much much worse i mean;

the outer layer of my kidneys are quite badly damaged( don't know the word for it, but that's were the urine is made) because as a kid i used to have a weird blatter, so the urine flowed back to my kidneys. but according to my urologist that's not anymore. my blatter has grown into the right shape..

and i have alot of scartissue because of an earlier infection.

the psychological report was bad but predictable the way i see it..

they couldn't even measure my intelligence properly, because of the variety per subject....

dOh i'd say. cause everyone in me has it's own developed intelligence..  but according to the  one who examined the results i didn't have DID... and i shouldn't talk about myself in 'medical' terms(?). according to him i shouldn't talk for example i have a depression, i should talk i feel down..  i shouldn't say i'm multiple, i should say i oppose myself... (if i feel it like that, i feel it like that i'd say..- BUT I DIDN'T because the insecure one wouldn't).

he said a lot more things, but i don't know that anymore..

but the main thing that came out of the test is my low selfesteem and not being able to express myself because of that.. what i tried to tell him is that not everyone in me is allowed to talk or write.. and especially not in situations like that.. with authorative persons i mean.

i had the feeling that he didn't listen at all. he told me that i could say something if i disagreed... guess he didn't mean it.

it's true that some of me feel insecure, but only some. i really have enough confidence.. and if one of me should feel insecure, i still have my others who tell me that i'm okay.. it's just a constant yes-no-game in my head..

so now i've been waiting for over a year to hear that i feel insecure...

i was afraid that this might happen.. i told my bf before the test "i'm curious WHO's gonna take the test..." and i could have known that it would turn out something like this..

so now i'm stuck to the diagnose borderline-structure...(which he didn't even tell me personally, i had to hear from my own psychiatrist)

i admitt that one of me has BPD but not all. just the ones who contact people in this way. (teachers, parents, docs, employers.) but it's just a part of me, it's not the whole me..

I can't dismiss that!

guess it'll have to do for now. taking the test twice in such short notice would not make sense they said.. though i believe that it wouldn't make sense whether i take it again now or in a year.. cause the only thing that will happen is that again, that person will take the test....

don't know what to do... guess nothing...