Journal

okay.
i know how hard it appearantly is to live with a multiple. i can imagine too. thinking you know a person, who becomes completely different all of a sudden.

but, i notice that my bf makes me switch often.
and when i try to tell him that, he just doesnt understand.
sometimes he even says im using it as an excuse!

he cant help it, that i switch when he has something to say that i cant handle.
but i cant help switching.

but, he often still sees me as one person. cause when we got together, none of this was known. i was 17 when when we got together.
i knew there was something wrong, but not what it was.

so, when my protector is being mean,(for a reason!), he is being mean too. my protector is a real bitch, and often says thing that just cant. once i threw my bf through the frontdoor! it was accepted as an accident but still, se did it, i get the blame, and the scars on my arm.

but when he is mean too, he is being mean to a child, cause she feels the pain, and comes out to tell him why that pain is there. in an almost hysterical way sometimes, crying like a 6 yearold, doh. often i dont even know why is is being mean back at me, untill later.

often i think he is using the forgetting thing to make me think i started, while he did. he has borderline, so, idk.

then the protector wants to get back at him again. and tell him what he is doing, but in a very different way, you know.

and because im not diagnosed, and still a long way from even being taken seriously at my t's, we cant go discuss it there, if he would even take part in it.

i sometimes doubt very strongly that this relationship will survive DID, whether its due to him giving up, or one of me.
i just cant give up, cause there is always a part of me that doesnt want to.

why cant i just be plain normal?

how do i handle this shit?

okay.

so, 2 of me are seriously addicted to weed.

another part hates it, and the littles dont even know.

i cant stop! i just cant! it drives me crazy to crave for something that is so bad for my health, and costs a lot of money i dont have!

i have been in drugtherapy, but it doesnt help! everything that guy tells me, i allready know and it doesnt affect me! i wont be locked up! i cant stand  the thought of not being home! it would seriously break me even more!

im beginning to think i will never get rid of my addiction!

i dont even know if i want to. but i do! i have to want it!

so fucked right now!

((hugs))

i'm still sober yes  :D i've had one weak moment but i can controll myself very well so far..

xxx ama