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babajules 
10:53am, August 12, 2009
so some of you may hav noticed ive been in a downer of a mood. im sorry bout that. just bein a pessimist.
i finished another round of chemo, but results werent as good as last time. red cells down, white up. meanin im losin the good cells and gainin the bad ones. and its spread back to the liver again. meanin the chemos not workin its magic anymore. so when i go back in on wed, docs puttin me on higher doses of chemo. im kinda scared. first time around, chemo really screwed my body over. i dont want that again. my immune system and heart are already on the fritz. i dont need them to explode! lol.
so ive been feelin a little sick lately. not only from the "great" news, but physically. not a surprise tho. a bit tired and feverish, no appetite, swollen and bruised, achy. nothin i can't handle. oh, and im down to 101 pounds, so my doc is puttin me on a new diet to fatten me up. but i cant keep anything down. i'll try tho so i wont waste away.
ive been shamefully actin all woe-is me, and im sorry. now dont go and tell me that i hav a right to be like that, cuz i dont. ive been wadin in self-pity. i shouldnt be like that. i dont want people to pity me. i just want them to be there, but not to feel sorry. everyones got their problems. and i just need to get over myself a bit.
im not afraid of dying anymore. i talked w/ someone on here, and they really helped me. idk. i cant be such a pessimist. i gotta be optimistic. i cant think of what if what if my whole life. so what if the cancer does take me? then ok. i cant dwell on it cuz for all i know i'll get hit by a bus before than. we dont know, and thats just it. everyones gonna die sometime anyway. and if i die sooner rather than later, i wanna go out w/ a brave face. w/ dignity. i cant let this disease get me down. it may be a part of me now, but it hasnt become me. when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. dont let the opponent squeeze it in ur eyes. ive been letting cancer squeeze it in my eyes. but not no more. so there, cancer, u cant control me anymore. im through.
Comments
that's the spirit!!! good job! just be optimistic and face life with a brave heart
balance001
that was so inspirational.
thank you. x
hannah25
aw thanks hannah :-)
babajules
I am glad to see your doing better. And I hope that your next dose of chemo doesnt do you no harm and kills the cells its suppose to... Your in my prayers. I wish I had the mindset you do. So inspirational =)
ThatOneGurl
im so glad to c ur in a good mood now. i hate u bein so sad. ive been so worried about u, but maybe that ur bein more positive, ill be more positive too. ily jules!
springawakening
It's great that you are being strong and thinking positive even when you are in your weaken condition. Be strong for your next round of chemo I hope this time the chemo works in your favor so you can beat this disease. So good luck and again be strong and hang in there.
Analu82
thats the spirit!
Aubrey18
Hi, I just wanted to let you know. I think your really brave and I really admire your spirit.
Ajs955
thanks to all of you!
babajules