Journal

My father just had a birthday, and I was allowed to go home to celebrate. I've been trying to think of a way to talk to my dad, let him know how I feel, but it's been hard cooped up in that hospital where he rarely visits. Mom makes excuses for him-he's too busy at work-but what about when work is over? He can't think to visit me after hours in the evening? It's whatever at this point. So anyway, on his birthday, I cornered him in his room/study. He kind of looked up at me surprised but still said nothing. "I hate you," I told him. Yeah, not very nice, but I decided it would be a good conversation starter. He just shook his head and said "You don't hate me." "Yeah I do," I told him. "You hate me so it's only fair that I hate you." "I don't hate you," he said. So that's where I let it all out. "If you don't hate me, then why do you ignore me? Do you know how much it hurts to have a father who never speaks to you?" "Do you know how much it hurts to have a son who's disappearing before your eyes?" I stopped. He said it angry but looked so sad. Not crying, but close to it maybe. So, like my mother's aggression,. dissociation was my father's coping mechanism. I've already started to believe that after so long of thinking he didn't like me, but it still hurts and I needed to say something like I had done with my mother to fix things. But I didn't know how to respond to his comment. I just smiled reassuringly instead and said "I'm fighting this thing dad, I'll try not to disapear." I was trying to joke and lighten the mood, but I think I somehow made it worse, cuz he said "3 times now you've fought this. 3 times a charm? I hope so cuz it's killing us."

Wow. Hold up. 3 times? wtf? Since when 3 times? Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking. It was dead silence for the longest time before I asked what he was talking bout. Turns out, I had ALL when I was 2 years old. I don't remember anything from my childhood til after 5, and I definitely didn't remember this. So I told him to explain himself. My parents fought a lot around that time cuz they both accused the other of hitting me cuz of the bruises. Then they turned on my sister, thinking she was playfighting too roughly. But I cried every night and slept all day. When my mother noticed I wasn't breathing right, wheezing really, they rushed me to the ER and later found out I had ALL. T-cell style. So why did they never tell me? They didn't wanna scare me. I only had a short fight with it before I was "cured," so they wanted me to live a happy life without having to think about that. And when it came back years later, they didn't say anything still cuz they didn't want the news to effect my fight. I might have given up cuz it was there before. Yeah, like you said, wow.

So I asked my dad what other secrets my family had. Turns out a lot. My little brother, the one who I always thought was loved so much better than me? Do you know why they really had him? To basically be a replacement for if I went. I've always been a sickly kid, even when I didn't have cancer, and my mom was always afraid she'd lose me so she wanted another son...just in case. And they figured if anything ever happened to me again, the new kid may be able to help me out. I guess kind of like that movie, My Sister's Keeper, which you should all see, except my brother wasn't genetically made, nor has he given me any "stuff". He was just prayed for, and they got him. So since he was only born as a replacement for me, then I guess I'm glad he gets so much attention cuz he deserves to be noticed as an individual. But then again, maybe they pay him so much attention cuz they are detaching from me, already thinking I'm a goner. Jk. Sorry for the minor pessimism.

Also, my sister....she's got Aspergers. For all the times I've made fun of her for being dumb and lazy and friendless, I feel horrible. She can't help the way she is. They're all part of her condition. So thanks mom and dad for telling me. Saved Sanora a bunch of ridicule from baby brother.

For all the times my dad pushed me so hard in school, how he told me not to use my dylsexia as an excuse...I thought he was just being an unsympathetic jerk. Get this? He's dylsexic too. He didn't want me to use it as a crutch. Wanted me to still try hard. Maybe if I had known that, I would have tried hard instead of giving up. He was also married before my mother and had 2 kids with her. Never knew about that either. So I really have 2  sisters and 2 brothers instead of 1 of each, but I doubt I will ever think of his other children as my siblings. I've never even met them, let alone heard of them...until now.

Mom's a whack job too, like me. Dad actually met her in a mental hospital. He was visiting his ex-wife, and mom was there for an attempted suicide. So when dad told me he met mom at a car wash fundrasier where she washed his car, lies. Met her at the hospital. Guess he has a thing for psychotic women, seeing as his ex was there too. I'm just kidding there, since I'm not all right all the time either. But mom, she has chronic depression, which explains her solace in tears and hiding out in her room. So maybe that's why I have it. Maybe I inherited it. That can happen, right?

So there's my family's secrets...or at least what I have found out. For all those times dad didn't say a word to me, he sure made up for it in this super long confession of his. Let me tell you, I still need to process this stuff. Wow.

so some of you may hav noticed ive been in a downer of a mood. im sorry bout that. just bein a pessimist.

i finished another round of chemo, but results werent as good as last time. red cells down, white up. meanin im losin the good cells and gainin the bad ones. and its spread back to the liver again. meanin the chemos not workin its magic anymore. so when i go back in on wed, docs puttin me on higher doses of chemo. im kinda scared. first time around, chemo really screwed my body over. i dont want that again. my immune system and heart are already on the fritz. i dont need them to explode! lol.

so ive been feelin a little sick lately. not only from the "great" news, but physically. not a surprise tho. a bit tired and feverish, no appetite, swollen and bruised, achy. nothin i can't handle. oh, and im down to 101 pounds, so my doc is puttin me on a new diet to fatten me up. but i cant keep anything down. i'll try tho so i wont waste away.

ive been shamefully actin all woe-is me, and im sorry. now dont go and tell me that i hav a right to be like that, cuz i dont. ive been wadin in self-pity. i shouldnt be like that. i dont want people to pity me. i just want them to be there, but not to feel sorry. everyones got their problems. and i just need to get over myself a bit.

im not afraid of dying anymore. i talked w/ someone on here, and they really helped me. idk. i cant be such a pessimist. i gotta be optimistic. i cant think of what if what if my whole life. so what if the cancer does take me? then ok. i cant dwell on it cuz for all i know i'll get hit by a bus before than. we dont know, and thats just it. everyones gonna die sometime anyway. and if i die sooner rather than later, i wanna go out w/ a brave face. w/ dignity. i cant let this disease get me down. it may be a part of me now, but it hasnt become me. when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. dont let the opponent squeeze it in ur eyes. ive been letting cancer squeeze it in my eyes. but not no more. so there, cancer, u cant control me anymore. im through.

a couple of days ago, my mom and i went to relay. it was kinda sad cuz some people looked real sick or people wore "in memory of" shirts, but it was happy too cuz there were so many survivors. even tho i'm still fighting, i wore the survivor tshirt, and my mom the caregiver shirt, cuz im still alive. mom's been good to me lately, and the day was nice, tho i did get tired in the heat, so mom went to find me a wheelchair so i could keep going. i felt embarrassed, 19 in a chair, but no one cared. heck, they were probably proud of me. and i feel more hopeful about my diagnosis. like things may just turn out right. well, i'm headed back to the hospital today, had a week long leave, but it's time for more treatments. even tho i hate them, they are good for me, so i'll take it like a man. haha.

-jules