Journal

I believe in the powee of dreams to alert and heal. I think they bring to the surface issues that need to be addressed head on in real life. I think the Dr. represents the one you are running from, someone with power over you (guess who!). You are taking a healthy step to recognize that and retreat, but you fear he will continue to bring problems into your life. The books represent possibly the innosense and security of your childhood, perhaps you sometimes long for a simpler life before you before older and wiser. Mam is perhaps the one , regardless of issues there, who you can, or wish to be able to rely on. The world is full of people, as in the large room, but in the end you must face your issues alone if you are to work them out. Perhaps the motorcycle represents the danger, and the fear you hold in facing the obstacles of the future. It's right there in the room with you, but perhaps the fear of the future is not as scary as the real damage done by the person who has already devestated your life, and may still represent a present threat unless you protect yourself from future contact. Does any of that sound familiar, just trying to help. I anylize my dreams carefully, I believe they are trying to tell me things I need to know, even if I try to hide them from my daily thoughts.

And perhaps you are in the hosptal because of the very real damage done to you in your tortured relationship - in a sense you are sick or injured from that and need time to heal.

I think that to interpret dreams it's all about focusing on the feelings and not the symbols. The motorcycle made you feel FEAR. This dream is all about hiding and fear, from my perspective.

I love it when stuff is processed in dreams. It really is much easier to process in dream life than in waking life. It's like it's sped up or something.

Susy, I feel this dream is very easy to interpret. Book: mystery, Doc, health and healing: motercycle: fear

Undiscovered parts of yourself that you are not yet ready to meet. It is scary... no lie there but ultimately it is your power. It is scary meeting ones power. Your power will be where you reclaim and your emotional/mental health is recovered.

the good part of this dream is that you are awakening the reality that you will eventually do this discovery when you are all ready and this dream is getting you ready. Thank mind for its ability to know when you are ready. :o)

Hmmm - I am not at all an expert at dreams, but I am thinking of a few things I know about you that might be represented in the dream:

The book - well, your childhood wasn't all comfy. I'm sure there were probably parts of it that were, but you didn't have this picture perfect comfortable childhood that would be good to go back to. And I already know that you're into mentally/emotionally escaping when your now is scarey - via thinking about other stuff. Reading is a pretty common escape. You can think about another person's story and life; kinda live there instead and ignore your own situation/feelings.
Maybe this even shows how old you are emotionally in your dream - are you doing the same thing to escape as you used to when you were a kid? Have you emotionally not grown past that?

Your mother - your mother is a form of a doctor, right?
Does your mom really call you at a certain time and flip out if you don't answer?
Is there a routine to the relationship with your mom that helps you hide from/ignore some of the ways your relationship w/her is damaging? I remember you talking about how she taught you to basically ignore being hurt - which is a pretty damaging thing for a mother to teach. Plus, you've mentioned that she is a slight N. So, she must be damaging. She's a shrink, though (meant in a positive way, I call my therapist and my mother a shrink - both positive ways), so she's both the problem and the solution, or at least staged that way. That could be the case in the dream - she's the problem, but you find the solution in the routine and ignoring w/her phone calls.
Just tossing stuff out there that rings bells. No clue if it applies.

Ok, I just re-read Pageo's comment and something else occured to me. The thing about it being scarey. One thing that is significant here is that everything is scarey - both sides of it. It's all scary and confusing. Doctors are supposed to help, but one is scary and you have to run from him/her. You don't even know if you go up or down. You have to hide behind this motorcycle - it's protecting you, but it's scary, too. You find relief in the time and that your mom's calling you, but the whole thing about your mom calling at a certain time and flipping out if you don't answer, that's certainly a little scary in itself. I know you didn't act scared by it, rather relieved. But, your healing is probably going to take you somewhat away from your mom would be my guess - to find a new route of coping. So, her being so close is scary in a different way.
It just reminds me of that spot in life and personal growth where you can't go back because you've learned too much, but going forward is scary and it includes facing fears that you've avoided for your whole life. You used to be able to stay in ignorance, being hurt, but unaware of the cause for it; denying the cause by sucessfully deceiving yourself. Now, you've learned too much. You can't pretend it's a healthy place to be, so you have to face stuff and move forward. Sometimes you don't even know what is forward or backward, up or down - you just travel and hope it leads you to a more peaceful place. You just can't stop and pretend again. It's no longer an option. It's all scary - the past things that have controlled you, and the present fears to face. You're not able to stay still, either.
Hope that makes some sense.

Hello Susy... Here is my input

Elevators: Can symbolize birth, activating emotions when descending Ascending: Movement to spirit world, activating intellect Can also symbolize levels of consciousness and awareness.

Hospital:Healing. Confinement. Divine hopes. Ready to heal..

Motorcycle: Interesting symbolism. Since you have said that you are afraid of motorcycles then this symbol may indeed mean or symbolize Fear (False Evidence Appearing Real-Fear) seeing or riding a motorcycle in your dream, symbolizes your desire for freedom and need for adventure. You may be trying to escape from some situation or some other responsibility in your waking life. A motorcycle is also symbolic of raw sexuality. Dreaming that you are speeding on a motorcycle indicates that you are moving too fast. Also could symbolize Motion. Travel. Vigor. Virility. Ready to be more masterful in your life.

Doctor:This is a most auspicious dream, denoting good health and general prosperity, if you meet him socially, for you will not then spend your money for his services. If you be young and engaged to marry him, then this dream warns you of deceit.

To dream of a doctor professionally, signifies discouraging illness and disagreeable differences between members of a family.

Books:Pleasant pursuits, honor and riches to dream of studying them. For an author to dream of his works going to press, is a dream of caution; he will have much trouble in placing them before the public.

To dream of spending great study and time in solving some intricate subjects, and the hidden meaning of learned authors, is significant of honors well earned. Don't know if this fits here I even had a bit of time understanding this myself... Here is a clearer suggestion for the symbol of books Information. Guidance. Record keeping.

Mother: can or may symbolize Approval or disapproval. From what do you need to feel nourish and protected.

Door: Access. Ready to enter or something to keep private. Happiness and long life.
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Anyhoots,Susy hope this helps sweety ...its just FYI :o)

It's so interesting to read others' comments on your dream interpetations, Susy. I've never looked into the topic much, but it's fascinating. KneeDeep, is this all from books or what comes up for you? Just curious.

That thing with your mom and the phone, Susy - I wonder how much of an N trait that is of your mother and how much that blocks you from healing. I know with my XN, he always HAD to talk to me on the phone twice per night any night we didn't see eachother (up until he did the whole devalue and discard thing, but anytime he was blowing hot, always twice per night). I hated it, but couldn't put my finger on why. Now, looking back, it was such a good way of controling me. He could check into where my thoughts and feelings were floating, then twist and confuse them if needed - if they were floating anywhere that might lead me to being more of me and less of his rag doll. He could manipulate, if needed. He didn't really care to talk to me most of the time, he just kinda wanted to check in and keep me under his control.
He is the only N I know that well, so I don't know how common that is. It sounds like/feels like a part of his sickness, so I wonder if that's at all similar. Again, just throwing stuff out there. How long do you go at a time without talking to your mother?

Interesting point of you....

I meant, interesting poit of view!

This is a HUGE revelation you are making. I wonder if you realize just how huge.

I want to tell you the benefits of how you've been:

You make an excellent employee.
You make an excellent friend.
You make an excellent survivor.
You make an excellent life partner.

Rather than drown, you would jump into anyone's boat. That's some pretty remarkable survival instincts.

I agree that there are some huge detriments to being this way - like not knowing how to swim. But you can learn how to.

I read somewhere on DS once that a good measure for how a child abuse survivor is doing is to ask them WHAT they are doing to look after themselves. I see learning to swim as looking after yourself.

And to understand that the reason you didn't learn to swim before is BECAUSE you were surviving. You were jumping into leaky boats because at that time, it was the only way you knew how to survive.

Right here is what had me tied in knots for my entire life. My crazy nervous energy is my first clue that I've been living " out of harmony" with my own inner validation system and with God. Somehow they are related. I can see it all clearly now. Never up to speed with family expectations-feelings of failure and humiliation, an out cast in family, then became an acceptance seeker, love addict.

I keep my affirmations centered around this theme and it helps to remind me, and strengthen me. It's self acceptance and regulation that is the reliable life boat. I can measure how I am doing by my anxiety level. This is sad, but my whole life I have been either anxious, anxious excited, or asleeep. There has been few and far in between states of calm and security. When it comes, it is the result of prayer.

I had a big problem with this one all my life. Feeling that others need to validate me, that things only matter if I get recognition for it, that if othets were horroble to me, it must be something to do with me and if they don't give me recognition, I was not doing well enough! It was awful. Then a few months ago I had an epiphany, and I put it into an affirmation. Today this is one of my key affirmations and really changed things for me for the better. Here it is, maybe it'll help others too...
My self-worth is not dependent on or defined by other people's behaviour towards me; that says nothing about me and everything about them!

Love & light,

A xx

I understand what your saying and I am this way as well,but changing this.
Susy we all have to start somewhere,and sometimes thats start is jumping into that first and leaky boat.The key is I believe is,and I speak only for myself,that water I was drowning in was the result of growing up in an dysfunctional and abusive family of origin.And I jumped into that first boat with no knowledge of how or what I was getting into.
It doesn't work,and that began a painful journey into finding out why and what would work for me.Soon I hope to get back into that water and swim into a different direction,along with a Big Life Jacket of self knowledge,tools,and a healed heart and mind. I want that for me,I want that for all of us...

Susy what an excellent analogy. WoW - girl you Go or you swim! Yes, I too used to jump into boats with holes because basically I didn't know how to swim... how to do it for myself first. Since learning how I get to be selective to the boats I share rides with. my therapist told me a few or more times that the more i can do and function for myself the more freedom I will embrace. This I have discovered is true.

(((hugs)))

This really is a super cool analogy. I keep thinking about it. It's allowed me to let go of some shame for jumping in leaky boats and helps me feel a little bit proud of how I was able to survive.

I have heard this described as so many different things - like attachment disorder, searching for a rescuer, love addiction, validation seeking, etc.

I really think that searching for a rescuer is the best description and that is why I love your analogy so much.

Susy, I have bit different idea about this subject.

At the core I think women have been trained to NOT connect with themselves on an individual level.

Both male and female can objectify the other person as a form of accomplishment.

Women do regard the acquiring of a man who is perceived as valuable - as being her ultimnate value.

That is the point of what I am saying.

A womans identification is thorough a mans status (good looks title position) ONLY on the other hand men claim status and the right woman to go with that. while women just claim a man as status.

this is the issue. When ones self worth is only about the man. If a woman is not feeling sexually appealing then she is worth zilch. girls begin very young looking for the man of her dreams and ignoring tons of other important stuff.

On the other hand multiples women and a personal status claim male attention.

So, what I am getting at is that men put there sense of self in a lot of directions and women put it through one... a mate.

the more I create my sense of self by means of how physically desirable I am the less I connect with my entire self. In fact it is not a self at all but an illusion.

Women do this and so do men. so the real issue is how to self develop and not look through a pair of hot pants to be of value. How to be whole with out having to acquire a note worthy partner to be some one of worth.

When one bargains with the objectification of a mate to create a self they get the same in return. Just as you have written.

I like your figuring ! I am in agreement and have been partially guilty of the same thinking/behavior. It came at a certain time... when I am questioning my life sort of mid life-ish. I did mid life early hahahahaha!

Susy, thanks for sharing this! I found it very interesting.

Great article thanks.
I sure was with my x to feel more worthy. I had no sense of my worth/ self. I somehow was not aware that I am even pretty. Jeez. I was so clueless. And I feared how I will ever survive without a guy and accomplish my dreams. Thank you parents. I am becoming aware now. I definately said no more crazy crap from men. I want my inner peace first. Hope I am well on my way there.

A few months ago someone told me that it was not healthy that I cared so much. They were not necessarily pinpointing my male/female relationships but to everything in general. I found their statement absolutely unfathomable. How was is possible to care TOO much? Most of the time people are accused of being uncaring and apathic. All of a sudden, at 60 something years, I'm finding myself in a position of having to question whether I care too much and why did I bother caring for all those years? I messed up my own life caring too much. In every deep relationship I ever had with a man, they were first drawn by my depth of feeling...they needed it...but in the end it scared them shitless...they were intimidated by my intensity and the depth of my caring so in the end, they ran. The only thing they seem to know how to do is run.In my mind, keeping a relationship alive through all of life's struggles and hardships necessitates the depth of love that I have..that "love conquers all" mentality. Is that where we get off track? We have subscribed to all that fairy tale stuff we see and hear in the movies, tv, music. Ahhhhhh, the music. Why wouldn't we? If you've ever known the feelings that are sung about, you sure as heck are going to buy into it. It's pure joy. Joy is pretty hard to come by these days. Love addiction. That's what it is. do we want to live without it? Hell no! But we are trying to remold ourselves into being someone different....I'm not feeling too positive about being able to do that today.

This is such a good article, Susy. I can definitelyl relate to it. Your comments, also. It kinda shows how power, safety, and validation can tie together in this twisted relationship with sexual desirability. My messed up mental connect the dots game has been
- If I'm sexually desireable enough
- I will be good enough to keep him wanting me

-If I play my cards right, I can keep this up after becoming sexually active with him; I can remain in control by having his sexual desire stay heavily aimed at me. I can also get this to wiggle into him eventually loving me.
-Again proving I'm good enough
-Therefore, I will be in control. The control will function as validation.
-Having this control, I thought, was the only way to keep my personal power
-Therefore, also the way to be safe.

I feel like sexual abuse has really made this a bigger issue for me. My first sexual interactions were ones that tied sex and sexual desire to power, control, and safety in a very unhealhy way. Naturally, this is something I wanted to be able to conquor later in life. I wanted to find a way to make sure it wouldn't happen again. A way to make sure I could keep it from happening. One of those ways was to somehow become good enough that I could control men via having the sexual upper hand. That sounds like what the article is describing to me - that method of preventing myself from being powerless again in the future, or I should say attempting to prevent myself from being powerless again in the future.
Other methods I've attempted - One was trying to turn off my sexuality and just not be a sexual being. Another was to try to disconnect sex from emotions; to have empty sex that only mattered to me on a physical level. Didn't work for either of them, of course.

Good stuff, Susy.

"What an impossible task for anyone to complete and how sad that we expect that. " ~ Susy

I would not say "sad" just unknowing.

If ya don't know what is happening and if ya have been told through example as well as cultural influences then how is a person to know the relationship they are looking for is the one they develop with them self but replacing it with a relationship with another person. ? ? ?

No one can make up for that relationship. I do not think it is deep to realize or see that males objectify females and vice versa.

People objectify themselves every day all day long. Identities are bought and sold in mass amounts.
Redusing self to a number, an age, an image, car or an income or a list of accomplishments that are only accomplishments because of how society views what is desirable. Accomplishments are important but often they become redundant. This is saying that one may do the same thing in the same area of expertise and never do anything out of that realm which they might fail at. There is something to say for doing something in an area that is not comfortable. Anyway, that last part is going off a bit. Nearing ramble.

good food for thought both in your journal and comments.
I fit in here.I find myself here and also in the WWL2M group.
I have been with only three men in my life. All were chosen by me because I felt I was in control and I felt validated and loved by being Loved by them.
I agree with pageo,that I didn't Know any different.I had never seen a whole,healthy relationship.I was raised in a dysfunction home of origin.
I was repeating patterns that had been taught to me
Jolleenee said "feel like sexual abuse has really made this a bigger issue for me. My first sexual interactions were ones that tied sex and sexual desire to power, control, and safety in a very unhealhy way. Naturally, this is something I wanted to be able to conquor later in life. I wanted to find a way to make sure it wouldn't happen again. A way to make sure I could keep it from happening. One of those ways was to somehow become good enough that I could control men via having the sexual upper hand.(Joleenee)...I can relate to what she said.I felt this way as well.

The bottom line for me was until i can heal and do the work on myself,my choosing someone to" Love" will be skewed and off.
I find myself just wanting a good life,and not even wanting a man in my life.
Just to be free...Getting there....