Journal

I'm really confused as to why I'm here. I don't get why I didn't die in my crash. I can't committ suicide, because I don't wan't to go to hell. I hate being lonely like this. I'm stuck with my own thoughts in my head running over and over, and they don't ever stop. The more lonely I am, the worse the thoughts are. I just cried today wishing I had a friend to be around. My life is just passing me by. I feel as though I'm letting my trouble I'm in keep me from doing anything. I have plans to do go to school but not until July. I'm scared that If i make a wrong move, I'll end up in jail. I don't go anywhere except to work. On my days off I juust sit at home and watch TV, while my boyfriend is at work all day. I get on the computer multiple times a day, hoping I can find someone to talk to. I search for my brother that has been missing for 10 years. I'm scared that I will never find him. And then I try to search for dad, that has been missing for 6 years now. Not knowing where either of them are or even if they are alive or dead, is killing me inside. All I wan't to know is if they are alive. If they don't wish to speak to me then thats ok. So I continue to pick my head up and keep on trucking, praying to God that I can stay strong. I know one day I will reach true happiness. I cannot give up on myself, because I would have then failed at life. Failure is not an option for me. I made it this long, I refuse to give up now. If anyone would like to chat, I could really use a friend right now.

im really hating life right now and everything in it. i hate my job, myself and the world around me. i want to crawl into a hole and never come out. im so lonely, and could really use someone tot alk to. nothing seems to make me happy. everything is negative around me. why do i exist, what is my purpose here?????????????????do i juust suffer till its over? because thats what ive done 26 years. well, not like it matters. im nothing to nobody. just another ugly human being taking up space