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dpayne 
5:41pm, October 7, 2009
Selfish
Yesterday while talking to a friend and telling him what I did and yelling at my husband, I was called Selfish I thought about it and almost believed yet that me selfish on my part for thinking of my feelings on why I do not trust my own husband and his family. I thought about it all last night and No I am not selfish for thinking about me finally….me first for the first time in my life I count as a human being.
1. 15 yrs old having a baby by myself, I called John to be with me and to see his son, His mother called me a whore and told him I was no good. John 19 never showed up, which is fine, I survived that day and did that on my own.
2. 18yrs later meet John and his mother again, Show him pictures of our son that I get once a year from our son adoptive parents and I let them back in my life again.
3. Take care of them, feed, buy things for them, work my ass off for two lazy ass people.
4. Both are drug addicts and I have no…and I mean no more to give them, I tried to help but they both choose to be pill addicts. I do not even care anymore what people think anymore because until you have walked in my shoes you will never know the pain I have been thru.
5. The last two and a half years I have given all of me to this family just to be stolen from lied to and beaten on. Told to stay with him by his mother or she would make my life a living hell. I almost feel brainwashed. No I am not going to let this happen again this time. I am finally waking up and Selfish is not me, I would give anything I had to anyone. Trust I have lost but not because of me, because I have and yes I say I have been let down by people I trusted.
6. Crack addicts and pill addicts you tell me should they be forgiven for what they have done to other’s yes I agree with that but how many times are they aloud to do it over and over again, when do they learn their consequences. But me be selfish, no that is not me, I have been there, picked him up while sick spent hours at the hospital while I am believing he is sick and needs help just to find out he is there to get a pain shot. Up all hours with him just to go to work for 8hrs on no sleep. Him using my car and wrecking, having it impounded, and not just one car several cars. Believing in him everything and believing he will stop this time just to be used again. I think I have finally given up, never thought I would not feel anything for him, but in my heart I feel dead nothing. But tell me I am selfish, no I am not, I would have given my life for John anyone who truly knows me and who I am as a person knows I would of.
Thank you for listening it needed to come out.
Comments
This is good. Excellent in fact. It shows you are processing information. It will be interesting to see how this all comes out in the end! Good work, Darlene!
brotherroy
No you are not selfish. I am finally beginning to understand that all addicts are selfish, self-center and only think about themselves. NO ONE can ever accuse you of being a selfish person because for once in your life, you are finally thinking about you. My sponsor asked me a question once and I will ask you the same. Would you treat anyone you love the way you have treated yourself? Keep growing and do not stop your recovery process, what you are experiencing are gowning pains. You will eventually blossom into the woman God always intended you to be.
Love you and a BIG, BIG HUD.
DeltaRedd1984
I know you love him-honey and it is torture but seriously unless a miracle happens you for your own sanity and peace of mind not to mention deserving way more than this for sure are so much better off without this mess in your life-kinda have to wonder with a mother like that why he may be the way he is-not excusing an adult taking responsibility for their own actions but like they say the apple never falls far from the tree-You are so big-hearted too much too a fault and you have suffered immensely for it-Day by day-it gets easier you have enough to deal with without having to babysit and take all that off of these two-
As for the friend calling you selfish
you are being the good selfish looking out for
you which basically amounts to having the will to
live and wanting more for yourself than what you have had-This is a good selfish and vital if you want to survive and progress amidst negativity and chaos and have to tell you as you know my story-
I love the part where you say don't judge unless you been in my shoes-so true
keep strong and don't waiver you will feel better one day........
cookiegurl