supermalv's Journal

Uhm I feel so wretched but.. why is the good luck only happen with minor things and the bad luck always bigger in proportion? Is it just me being wretched and ungrateful? Or is this paranoia actually accurate and are an objective interpretation of this world? Does shit happen alot more frequently than non-shit event? I wonder.

Is this just a negative attitude that will self-prophecize itself? like the cliche of if you're expecting bad then bad things will happen to you?

I think I'm right. That this is the objective interpretation of the real world.

Because if it isn't then everybody will have their way and there won't be so much misery in this world. That's the sad truth.

I think, however, that realizing this actually liberates us in a way. If we just hammer this into our consciousness. That. Shit does happen. Shit does happen. Then when it actually happen we can anticipate it. And handle it accordingly. We're prepared. And it doesn't phase us anymore.

Usually fear stopped me from wanting to anticipate bad lucks. That whole "bad thoughts bring bad luck" axiom gets the better of me a lot of times. Well you know what? starting from today I will totally embrace it. These bad luck and jinxes.

I'll assume the worst outcome possible in everything that I do. I will not fear it anymore. I won't try to deny it's existence. I'll organize my life and categorize things that could go wrong, and start preparing for it. Even the scary ones like sickness and deaths. I'll compact everything and minimalize all the liabilities I have. I'll prepare everything that can be prepared. There shouldn't be any weakness about myself that I don't know. There shouldn't be a chance where things could go wrong that I don't know.

If bad luck still happens, I'll just have to accept it that it's my destiny. I'll learn from it, I'll preserve from it. If it don't kill me it'll make me stronger. If it does kill me though, I'll still be satisfied anyway, if I know that I gave everything my 100%. I'd die with a smile in my grave. Even if luck that happens in life becomes so bad that it killed me.

This isn't easy. Frankly, right now I'm terrified to take this leap of faith. I don't want to think about getting sick or dying, but I must find courage in myself. I can't walk around scared forever in this life. I got to get a grip of things. I have to understand myself. I have to be in control of myself. And it starts with this. Knowing that shitty things is an eventuality in life and there's no escaping it. It starts with acknowledging it and start preparing for it. If I could do this, then maybe I'll understand myself a little better. In control of myself a little more. Be certain of myself a little more. Make sense of this world a little more. I must do this.