Journal

you know what? from the scale of 1 to 10, i'd rate how depressed i am a friggin 8. i honestly never seriously thought about killing myself. although in my subconsciouss mine i always ponder at that option. but i never seriously thought about doing it for real.

tonight though. i feel so low that i actually am considering it for real. i've been having a really fucked up thought just then. what the fuck. this life is so pointless. what the fuck.

i feel like i'm never good at anything. even right now i'm doing a fucking bad job at expressing how bad i am at everything.

i thought about how i'm probably too much of a coward to do suicide. it's funny. i always say to myself. i'll never do a suicde. it's stupid. i'd rather go with a bang if i actually don't want to live this live anymore. you know. robbing bank. or like.. trafficking drugs or something.

but how would i have the courage to do that if i can't even do a simple thing like pulling a trigger against my head. that left me with a thought.. i'd probably die like this. die living a pointless life. working a 9 to 5 job until i die. have no real meaningful interraction with another human being. dull. tastless piece of life.

and that encourage me even more to friggin kill myself. shit. i'm scared now. i really fuckin am. i don't want to die.

if only. life is just a tiny little bit easier. why is it so god damn hard? why is everything so fucking fucking hard? why are being real friend to someone so hard? why is caring about anything so hard? why are our dreams so hard to reach? why is everything always beyond our reach? why is it so hard to be nice to myself? why is my heart so weak? why is my will so weak? why the hell can't life be like what it was in our childhood? why was i born to a sadistic mom? why is it so hard for me to be positive? why can't i appreciate my life more? why is hope always so faint?

if there is god out there. i give up man. i give up. seriously. if you're just playing your joke on me. please stop it. i can't take anymore. my heart don't have anything else to shed a tear with.

god damn it i hope this is just me being real high right now. hit a bad trip. or some fuckin depressive hormones or some shit. holy fuckin batman i feel so shitty right now.

well, there's somethings to be glad for in this roller coaster of a life after all. it turns out i don't have to come back next year for an assignment i missed out for uni this year. which is pretty much a relief really.

i've been feeling better this couple of days. and if there's one thing to be thankful for is that.. the bouts of depression wasn't as intense as my previous one. so this candle still holding on to it's tiny little flame i guess.

uhm.. yeah.

i feel like my paranoia had gotten worst. something about the internet that unsettles me.

i've been watching alot of free-energy videos on youtube. about people inventing machine that creates electricity out of nothing. with magnets, with water, brown gas or what not.

and the conclusion is that.. it's either true that those machines exist. but their existance are being supressed by some people. or that they're just bunch of scam artist waiting for someone gullible to believe their lies.

then i googled for some time. then i ponder. maybe google itself is compromised. no wait. maybe the internet itself is compromised.

what if the internet is actually a tool for massive scale disinformation?

There are lots of controversial topics out there. Like free energy supression. the 9/11 conspiracy. The zionist movement conspiracy etc etc all over the internet.

But what if those are only there so we THINK that we know the truth. What if those are just bunch of red herrings to throw us off the track? What if there are an even MORE unsettling truth about this world beyond those conspiracies? and those are just made to distract us?

Because when you think about it. Some truths are already filtered out of the internet. Like real murder. You would never find footage of such in the internet. Or how to make nuclear bomb. Or manufacture a gun.Trust me i've tried.

The point is this. If they already have a very efficient mean to filter and censor the internet. Then why do those conspiracies still float around? Those billion dollar companies can easily fish out billion of dollars for truth supression campaign. But it's still out there.

It can mean that those conspiracy are just conspiracies. And i'm just being overly paranoid for even giving them a second thought. Or maybe it could mean that i was right. Those controversial rumours were there so we THINK that the internet is a trustable source of information. Since it lists informations that goes beyond conventional media coverages.

I dunno. I'm confused right now. This world is weird.