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AirS 
8:50pm, June 17, 2009
I am just plain frustrated and sad. My Mom has pnemonia and I found out from my sister. I am worrying about everything because my meds just aren't working. I had been going to physical therapy to try and help myself out. lose weight, get fit, try to have less pain but I basically have been having flare ups every few days. My plan was to try and start a family. I am going to be 37 so I figured I would try. I just felt so positive about getting off meds and trying for a baby. I guess I should have done it befor FMS. I just plain depressed. I stopped going to church the only place I do go because no seems to understand me. Not my pain or that fact that my boyfriend who too is on disability are not married. I believe in marriage. It circumstances were different there would be no question. My pastors and elders look at my relationship as a sin. Fornication! The F word. My mother even says I am living in sin. My faith has been going down hill. I feel guilty. I know I shouldn't but I do. If it was up to the church they would have me leave the one person who loves me, trys to get me and has completely mongomous with me for ten years. I feel like I am missing out on live because I am always in pain. I didn't get do any of the High School stuff because I had a chronic ill mother that I took care of like a child from the age of 12 to 18. No prom, no boyfriends. She had chronic pain and still does. My Dad wouldn't take care of her so I did. Past. but still bothers me that I had no friends. Present lost all my friend and people at church who I though were my friends are judging me. I wouln't do that to them. I am a Christian. Being a Christian is not a religion it is simply having a strong relationship Jesus. Where does he say to gossip or think ill of others doing there best. If I am sining won't God judge me. I haven't been to church in weeks. I feel so fake there. I wish I could be real and tell them how I really feel. My family has never been close. No one lives near each other. I rarely hear from my sister and never from my three brothers. They think that because I am on disability I sit around watching tv and I look fine why am I so lazy. I hear this comment from so many people. It hurts just to sit in this chair and write this journal. My back is killing me and my hand feels like someone is jabbing spikes in and here I am trying to spell right. It is cruel but sometime I wish they all could just have my pain for a day and see what they say after that. I want my own family but I am afraid I am just going to end up maybe with a dog not a baby ever and I want to stomp my feet and scream NO No NO!!! I need some true prayers from people who understand. I live in an apartment, I have no pets, none allowed but I am happy for shelter for food on my table. I can't drive. Never could and it annoying but I been trying to accept my life but right now I don't want to accept these things anymore. I want to follow the voice in my head that all things are possible that maybe I should call back the fertility doctor, I cancelled because I was discouraged, try exercising and getting off my meds and go for my dreams. If they don't work out then it wasn't meant to be. Should I let pain stop me from trying everything. Pray for me. Tell me if I might be possible to have what I have always wanted that I shouldn't give up before I try.
Comments
I've found much of my comfort through going to my pool therapy. The warm salty pool water seems to seep through my bones and I feel instantly better and do my classmates. The exercises. That's another story but warm water really does help. I take baths now at home without epson salts which are known to ease muscle aches from sports injuries I've recently learned). You can find epson salt in the dollar store if you would like to try.
Also, and I'm so on a budget, but can't eat if I've no help...I've started to use Voltaren from the pharmacy. Don't rub it in -- Glide it on and I feel a nice tingly sensation that seems to distract me in a nice enough way to allow me to sleep. Oops. I don't know about topical ointments and babies though. You would have to ask the pharmacist. I can't imagine it seeping in enough to hurt a child but would want to know for sure.
Let me know if either help.
I completely understand your feeling of lonliness and isolation.
Have you and/or your family gone to the Fibromyalgia Program yet? That's supposed to help them understand more. I have the book if that helps but their are many pamphlets around. But sometimes it's too your family not wanting to see you with a disability (meaning hurt especially trying to understand living in as much pain as you are is too great a burden for them to bear) so it takes a long time for family to come around. And eventually it's usually one or two that get the message around to the rest so they in turn come around. That's the one great thing about families -- they make great telephones and can sound of each other until they have a similar voice.
Good Luck!
It was surprising but somehow I started running into people who knew someone with Fibromyalgia and had more compassion for me and then things grew, abeit VERY slowly, from there. It seems the more people I met the more who seemed to know what I was going through.
There is hope. There's a LOT of hope. Like me, you are in a flare-up and we just don't think the same when it's so hard sometimes just to open your eyes in the morning and face another day filled with hope and sunshine though you've had a twister night.
I stay okay cause I know my family needs me. I know a mom with Fibromyalgia who lives in a big house she cleans with her best friend and hubby/soul-mate, 3 kids and 3 dogs. Plus they're going out to Great Lodge etcetera and she has rhumetoid arthritis to boot. So it can be done. We both need to work on getting into our stride. Got to start slow. What's the most important thing you can do every day to help you feel good and for me though I think it's make-up it is more important that I keep my place tidy and keep myself fed. I eat organically as much as possible -- often on sale for the same price or LESS. I plan on growing my own tomatoes and carrots. I enjoy herbs, fresh veggies and meats and make my own spaghetti sauce -- which I can also freeze a batch of so I needn't work so hard to eat at night which especially helps on those bad days. It's important to keep up with whatever makes you feel good. I plan on setting up a table for my make-up. Once the above is done -- I love a bit of glam -- makes me feel like I'm more powerful as people do treat you differently without.
Somedays I decide it's a holiday and I try to eat leftovers and laze around fully treating it like I derserve a vacation and feeling like I do. I've even a shirt that says "leave me alone, I'm on my day off" which is perfect for these events and helps me feel like it's okay.
GlamourGal
Also...when you first get this disease...I don't know about you but with me it hit me like a 40-ton Mack Truck full on brutle force which never let up. My nerves were hyper-sensitive and I never wanted to leave the precious sanctity of my heating blanket wrapped right around my body.
But eventually you'll find your muscles do ease up a little and though weather especially is a force you'll always have to deal with (unless you're in Arizona I hear) and the longer bad weather hangs around, the worse you will feel and the harder it is to feel good. That's why I think this year's also especially hard for me.
But you will find that though these tremendous aches and pains are a permanent part of our lives we do have the ability to DECREASE our pain through our own thoughts. If you feel it is hopeless your body tenses and braces for trauma but if you think of the sunshine, palm trees and warm breezes of summery days and remember there are some and that somewhere there is at least one person who would miss use truly and whom we NEED to hang on for and it helps to relax me. We NEED to feel NEEDED.
GlamourGal
Good morning! Today is a new day for you, today can be the day you celebrate who you are by acknowledging that you are someone with purpose, someone who is special, someone who means something to someone else and a person who obviously cares for people. But today you have to care about you! One day at a time you can change your circumstance, take a baby step, go for a walk, pain or no pain. I have lymes and I know that pain you live. I have had lymes for years, go to physical therapy, a rheumatologist, a counselor just to deal with it all. I have many bad days but my approach now is to not give into it. I force myself to excercise even if it is a walk, it energizes, its like a pain killer, it makes me feel so good the pain that is there can't take down my spirit! I don't let it. It wasn't always this way. I was 40 pounds heavier, succumbing to my pain, praying for it to leave. I decided, nothing could take my pain away so I would fight back by taking back my life and just moving. I don't take anything for my pain anymore, today it hurts.
You are in emotional pain as well, I can hear it.. You just remember this, we are all on our own journeys. Jesus loves us all and he died for all of our sins, payed the price because he loves you, still does, always will. We are all sinners, we all fall short and could never be perfect humans, that is why Jesus died for us knowing we couldn't do it. YOu don't hurt anyone, you and your partner are faithful to one another! Its your choice not to marry, you are still a good person! You are worthy, thoughtful but you aren't good to yourself. Christains don't judge one another, they model for one another. Love triumphs all!!! Once you realize this you will begin to love yourself more and realize you need to live your life authentically, not being so influenced by the judgements of others who obviously need to understand how that can hurt a person turn them from God. You need him very badly, pray for his guidance, he wants to help you turn your thoughts around take you beyond your pain. I promise you that, we can't avoid the pain but he can help you through it.
I suggest also getting a good rheumatologist! He can help you with your pain, fibromyalia , arthritis, back issues can be worked with without pain killers which actually cause more problems, more pain. I have a twisted back but I am pain free with the right care. My doctor gave me a three week shot that had a mild steroid which I don't like taking but it gave me three weeks to jump start myself, I lost 20 additional pounds, was very active and even though the pain is back, I am more motivated than ever to keep going.
My prayers are with you!!! I know you can do this. PUt all those people who bring negativity to your thoughts out of your head, you don't need them.
As far as your baby, I bet once you start feeling better emotionally and physically with the right help, that will happen too, you are still young!!
Use this time on disability to rehabilitate yourself. :) A little change can bring a lot of light into your life!
Hang in there and keep coming back here for support, its the best thing!
suszeque