callie929's Journal

So~ he writes me and says "are u excited about your show.....see you in the morning!"

It is so messed up! That I can not be happy or excited about ANYTHING in my life inless his ass is involved. He ruined the last concert that I wanted to go to because he is a selfish person and does not like anyone having fun without him.....but I am fine to stay at home whenever he wants to lie/cheat/be out all night/not answer his phone/cuss me out/call me names/tell me "I am not watching her so you can do that"/driving around drunk/going to jail/cussing me out till I bail him out of jail/// he makes me feel that I am a prisoner in my own life. He is the only one in our relationship that feels free and feels all control. I am allowed NOTHING! He is a jealous person and not looking out for my best interests. When he wants to go somewhere and he actually tells me, I am like ya, have a good time, enjoy yourself. Which is stupid to even say because he always enjoys himself. He has no problem going out by himself and not inviting me, but anytime that I have the oppertunity to do ANYTHING without my daughter, he always has to ruin it for me and make me feel completely guilty for leaving her. He can never help me feel secure, like my daughter is getting the proper care from her father that she deserve. This is just so crazy. Just going to have to fill out the papers and get over it...I will be the bad guy....no matter what I am going to have to be.....cause when a human being can not have anything in life to look forward to, then there is no reason to even be alive.....and I dont want to be alive if I have to live like this everyday....People should want someone to enjoy life with friends and family. When I was with my dying mother for 5 days~ he made me feel like I was just staying with her for the hell of it~ like I loved watching my mother suffer. And on "his" weekend that I was there, I was taking care of my daughter and he was out at all hrs at the bar getting wasted and never cared to stop by and check on us or call. It was all about him and what he wanted. I was just neglecting him because I was with my mother. This is just unbearable. He is sucking the life out of me and I am only 28 years old. I have 2 young babies that are growing up with a mother that is half ass there because he is always wanting me to be his little "bitch." I do not feel as if I am married to an almost 30 year old. He has no concept of anything except himself.....why am I not allowed to feel like I am an individual without him? This is the control that he has over me.....to feel I am nothing, have nothing, without him. Can not even leave my house by myself childless! So messed up~ I feel suffocated.