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wizmo 
It is six months today that I lost my one, true love. I have thought about writing a poem,
but have found it hard to do till now. Through tear-filled eyes I have written this:
"Six Months"
"Six months today my Greatest Love did depart,
Shredding my soul and breaking my heart
Never again to gaze upon his beautiful face,
Left all alone in this god-awful space
Love of my family I do enjoy,
But without the main element, I'm merely a decoy
Hiding my sadness so no one can see,
I'm no longer myself, the 'real' me.
That person passed and has gone far away,
Since my "Angel" left that horrible day
Feeling a 'burden' to those I love and adore,
"Take this away!" to God I implore
I fake, I forge, I try to pretend,
But knowing inside the feelings never end
Emptiness, sadness and pain are my life,
Struggling to succumb to the bitterness and strife
My only refuge will to be with him and then,
My soul will heal as I hold him again
And kiss his sweet lips and meet him eye to eye,
Ascending into eternity and the vastness of the sky"
I feel no better at six months than I did from the beginning, as a matter of fact, I find it even harder now. Life will never be the same, until I am with him again.
Comments
I am so beside myself, I feel like just quitting this whole entire life! Because I don't own my own car, I have to borrow one from my daughter. I had their "Cruiser" but knew that there was something definitely wrong with it, very frightening when you are coming home after midnight!
Told my son-in-law about it and he just shrugged it off. Yesterday, I took their other car, while they took the Cruiser. They had just come out of a restaurant and started to leave when the car
completely broke down, wheels facing in opposite directions! The tie rod had broken!!
Thank God they had not been driving, but I had just driven that car the night before!! Had the tie rod broken while driving, you can lose complete control of the steering, possibly killing not only yourself, but innocent people! I am so furious at my son-in-law and his constant laziness!!
Then, I take their other car and all the way home, the oil light kept coming on. I thought, what next?? Of course I know how to add oil, but again it just infuriated me that he didn't even offer to come and do it himself. Now each day coming a good distance at midnight, I have to have all these worries!!
To top it off, though I don't mind the new job and love the people, I just hate these hours because I am getting no sleep whatsoever, most likely due to all the worries, and now the boss has me working days and days in a row without a break in between because I am the lowest pay scale and no one else wants to cover it! I also have the issue of my mother living at this retirement home. She is constantly bugging me to do things for her, like that's what I am there for! No one would believe how she has been chronically complaining to anyone who will listen to her, how she doesn't like my hours, doesn't want me driving in the rain, why I don't eat when I am there (I eat before I go) and her problems working her TV. I am so embarrassed because I know it is getting on everyone's last nerve. She even expects me to stop whatever work I am doing, just to wait on her!!
All I can say is...."I'm Done!". Nothing has gone right since Rich left. He would have never let me drive an unsafe car and I know he would not be happy with the hours.
I really have to make the decision to leave here and God willing, find something else. Wish I could find something I could walk to, just to avoid these stupid cars.
I know all this venting is coming a lot from my tiredness, but I had to write it out. Even my son feels I have tried to take on too much too soon. My emotions are still bad enough and now I feel even more physically tired than I did before.
I just wish I had "anyone" to talk to about all this, but it seems when you do, everyone turns a deaf ear. I love my son, but even he wasn't worried when I had told him about my fears with the car. Wonder how he will feel now when he hears what happened to it??
Comments
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Oh my dear sweet friend. Please don't ever give up. In a few years you will look back and know that you were able to go through a very hard time and you made it through to a whole new chapter of your life. I think all of us need to learn the word NO. If working this much right now is too much, say no. We all have to learn to stand up for ourselves because nobody else will. We lost that person. But Mo?? Next time your feeling this down and alone, call me!
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Wow, you are really dealing with a lot right now -no wonder you need to vent! We all love our children, but that does not mean we can rely on them the way could with our spouse. I don't blame you for being upset about the car; your son-in-law needs to "get real" before he or your daughter or you get killed or hurt!As for your mother, have you explained to her that when you are working you have to treat her as you would any other resident, or would she understand?
It does sound as if you may have to consider getting another job where you could be sure of transport, bus, walking, etc. Working is always frustrating at best, and not having anyone at home to listen, to back you up is hard I know. Is there any way you can trade some hours with other workers so that you are not always the one who has to do it all? I hope things will get better this week. laurabp
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Oh, Mo, I feel your pain.....it is so hard on us to have to take up the weight of all the extra burdens that we never had to worry about before, and so easy to become overwhelmed by it all. I have a brother whom I dearly love, who lives about 20 minutes from me, and who has told me countless times to call me if I need anything. I've called him several times over the past several months, but he's always so busy helping out his wife's family, that he forgets he has a family, too. His in-laws are incredibly needy, and use him left, right and center, so whenever we call to invite him for a holiday, or anything, he always 'has plans' with them.
I know it's hard, but try to hang in there....send us messages, vent, scream, and cry. I find myself clicking my heels like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, and saying "it will be better, it will get better."
Love & prayers,
Judy
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Hi Everyone and thank you for your wonderful responses and support.
I ended up calling in today and told them about the car and that I can't make it in. I do think I have taken on too much for myself too soon. I know we encounter so much after our losses and I won't bore anyone with the tons I have had to face since Rich, much more than anyone knows.
I also think that the word No is now in my vocabulary. I have decided to let this job go and hopefully find another with better hours and closer to home, and this will also help the situation with my mother.
Thanks so very, very much for all the loving support.....Mo
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Hi Mo hugs try to hang on to the job Mo till you find a new one just have them reduce your hours so you have time to look for a new one. Look at it this way if they fire you at least you can collect unemployment until you find a new one right?
Just explain to them that you are feeling overwhelmed since the death of your beloved and if they have a heart they will understand your position.Listen about the car is there a Church near you that you can talk to for help for support I remember a church in Florida that bought my sister a dependable car because she was disabled at the time. Don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help and how about your husbands and your old friends there has to be someone who will loan you a car or look at the one your using. Its time you let people help you Mo and this is coming from someone who needs to follow her own advice yup that would be me Sigh.... I am going to do it I am going to reach out and ask for help. As far as your Mother Inlaw is concerned maybe she is worried for a reason since you never talk about your father Inlaw may I ask is he passed if so maybe that's whats got her worried because she knows what it is like to lose the one you love embrace each other because it sounds like she is calling out for help and now its your turn to call out.. I hardly know you but my heart aches for you. Hugs
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I found out yesterday after we picked up their car from the repair shop that now, the car needs brakes really bad. They can't afford them right now and neither can I, so that car will only be used for small trips. The other car has a problem, I'm sure of it and luckily my daughter even heard it, so I knew I wasn't nuts. I told her that despite anything her husband has to say, TAKE THE CAR IN!! So, now we are left with only one car and she has to use that one, so I guess I am done with the job!
Though I feel bad about it, I won't have the stress of worrying about the late night drive home in a crappy car nor dealing with my mother. My son is looking into eventually getting me my own car, knows some guy who restores cars back into good running condition. Once that happens, I can go out any day I want and hopefully find a part time job.
This job was great but the boss would not accept less hours anyway. I was hired as a fill in for whenever she needed me.
Mary....No, this is not my mother-in-law, this is my own mother. You would have to have known her to really understand that she has been this way all her life. She can take any situation and make it about herself. She totally craves attention and always has. She drove my father crazy and the poor man even broke down to me one time, saying how he couldn't take her ways any more. One year later, he died! I have stories about her you would never believe!! Don't get me wrong, I care about her as a person, but I am the only one. My siblings abandoned her years ago and she never sees or hears from them at all. I couldn't be that way because she is a human being, but her ways are extremely stressful.
Once again, thanks so much to everyone for the love and support. One day, I pray that we can all move forward and have some of the stresses finally taken from our lives! Love to all.....Mo
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Wizmo -- hang in there.. Its tough I know.. I lost George around the same time you lost Rich and everything went haywire.. Appliances went out, car wouldn't start, garage door broke and then my air conditioner went out this weekend -- of all weekend.
I know your hurting, I know its not getting better, but we have to believe that it will. I feel George around me, do you feel Rich ther with you and I ask him all the time, this is not working, your going to have to help me.. Your going to have to make sure I get thru this... And I find peace with that, even if its only for a short time. You will survive this!
Peace & Love -- Kim
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it just doesnt seem that all the things that do happen would of happened because they were not let us be bput in danger or have the resposiblity we have they love and took care of us now we must figure out how to take care of ourselves which for me is very difficut i just want to ask him to fix it and fix me he always told me if you want something right do it yourselfmhe lived by those words now i will try my best tooo hard sometimes cant do it if i dont know how but will keep trying asmi hope you will also peace b withu in this ghastly time nita
Working at the retirement home, I have had the wonderful opportunity to mingle and have long conversations with some of the elderly residents. Their life stories are simply amazing, but the one woman yesterday, renewed my faith in the afterlife.
Being a young girl in France during the second world war, she had gotten typhoid. Her parents had to hide her away because if the Germans knew she was sick, they would have killed her.
Anyway, she became deathly ill and told me of her experience with life after death.
She said there was a man, dressed completely in white standing beside her. She wasn't sure if he was an angel or not. He took her by the hand and they began walking up a small hill. Up ahead she noticed a huge white cloud, no person, no face. The man suddenly said, "Here she is". A voice came out of the clouds and responded, "No, take her back. It is not her time."
She went on to tell me that within a few weeks, she was fully recovered. She said that although being old now and sometimes forgetting things, this was one event in her life she will never forget. It is as clear as the day it happened! She said she also 'knows' that each one of us has an angel that walks by our side every moment of our lives.
I cannot begin to explain how moved I was hearing this story, I had tears in my eyes and still feel so calmed thinking about it. I know she wasn't just telling me this to try and make me feel better because she is unaware that I just recently lost Rich.
I realize that many people do not want to believe in things like life after death, but this made me a believer and I am certain now that Rich is in a better place and I look forward to joining him there one day.
Comments
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I think synchronicity is all around us, wizmo, if we just look. She was meant to tell this inspiring story to YOU...you were meant to hear it, and SHARE it, just as you did!! Who knows how many people here will benefit from it? Blessings.
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Very awesome! You just met a very special angel of your own! Hugs and much love Mo!
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I've had many many instances like this, and they never fail to give me the feeling that we're watched over and protected. Like my four-leaf clovers, I believe you were given a gift to let you know you're not alone....
Love,
Judy
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That is so beautiful and so true. I have had similar experiences and they are truly blessings. Thanks for sharing. Sharon
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Hi Mo, You were definitely meant to share that and it was good reading it. I do believe and have seen angels watching over me and my sons.I do feel when it is your time that is when you go, but I still wonder why Robert's time had to be now. Christine
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Hi everyone!
I am so happy that this story had such meaning to all of us! I certainly know it made me feel a bit calmer and comforted, at least for that moment.
Christine, I ask the exact same questions all the time, "why now?". I have
asked so many "why's", but you just never seem to receive many answers.
But I do hope, that even for a brief moment, the story helped!
My love to all....Mo
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I am a survivor of NDE also believe me when I say life doesn't end here it really does not. I was very young when my experienced happened and there is no way I would have known the things I did when I came back my doctors were even amazed :)
Past Entries
Your poem is beautiful. I am so sorry you are still in so much pain. Life will never be the same without our loved ones, but I hope you can find some relief from all the hurt that you are feeling.
JJ888
Six months for you and I too. This is such a beautiful poem and I couldn't have read it at a better time. I have been crying again this past week yet I had thought I was getting better. Thanks for sharing your poem. Love
mantso
It was 6 months for me on the 8th of August. I know exactly how you feel. People say we will get to a new normal, but right now I am so sad I can't even picture any kind of normal. Your poem said everything I am feeling and couldn't get out. Thankyou for sharing that with me. Hang in there and keep in touch.
Hugs Karen
JarenB
Hi Mo I am sorry you are so sad, but those first marks are ever so tough. Your poem is so beautiful it says it all for me. I think it speaks for all of us here. My thoughts and prayers are with you as always. Your friend Christine
Christine26
My Loving "Thanks" to all who have written. I know so many of us are at this point and I need you all to know how my heart hurts for you as well.
Many do ask how I am coping with my "new life" and I look at them rather strangely. "New life"???
I guess I haven't found that yet and maybe never will. My Love to all....Mo
wizmo
Your poem is so beautiful and it says it all. It is 6 weeks since my husband passed away and it feels like it was yesterday. The pain gets bigger and bigger. You are right people want to know how our new life is what new life, we don't have a life at all. Our life has been taken away but I guess they don't know until they are in the same boat like us. I hope you have a great day today. Lots of hugs Linda
lindalun
Mo,
It will be six months for me next month and the anxiety I'm feeling is unbelievable. Your poem, that came right from your heart, hit it right on the head.. Its beautiful! I'm trying like all of us to find our new normals, but its just a sad, sad time for us right now, but we'll get thru it. We will and it will come from our husbands, because love never ends. Much love -- Kim
only1kim
It's been five months for me and I find myself questioning who I am. I wander around the house trying to force myself to do something, anything. I still cry every morning upon waking and have to force myself out of bed and off to work. You are not alone, we are all in this together. Your words are beautiful and oh so true.
FallenAngel
Hi Mo, what a moving and true poem. It's been 8 months for me now and I still wonder how I'm supposed to go on. Work? Taking care of my girls? Keep my house in some kind of running order? Sure, I've been doing those things, but I feel like a robot. I'm trying to find some joy in life and trying to enjoy the time I devote to my kids because some days ago I overheard one of them saying to another that I'm always tired so they shouldn't bother me, and it just broke my heart even more. But I feel like I've been climbing this mountain in a blizzard and I can never get to the top. I can't even see iot yet. But I have to get there...
Sorry for going on like this I hope you have a better day tomorrow. My thoughts are with you.
SilFa
What I wouldn't give to be able to give happiness back to each of us...even if just for a moment! Rich is a very proud man because he chose so well! ;) You're an amazing inspiration to us all and I appreciate you so very much! God bless darlin'....Jenny
MsFletcher
Your poem was so beautiful and true. It was six months for me on August 4. I've been reading these postings for a couple of months but your poem really hit home and made me want to join to tell you that I feel exactly the same way. I am lost without my husband and I don't understand why this has happened to all of us.
tebin