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scalliewag 
i talked with my mother today - who lives overseas - she is a physical therapist and has watched with silence the very slow progress of her grandson (we talk weekly about how he is doing) and i know that she knows too much to comment most of the time but she does think he will walk though not sure if he will talk. that would have shocked me sick a while ago but im getting used to it.
i have gone from what is wrong with him? to 'he is not normal' to 'maybe this is who he is...' -what a weird thing that i have been gradually adjusting to. me - this has all been about how hard it has been for me. through the wondering and the tears and the anxiety and guilt my own self preservation has begun to kick in and i am now thinking of daragh as how he is not how he should be. it feels better, still gut wrenching at times but better than it has been. i realise that love can be so crazy. i love him so much i want him to be fixed but why is it so hard to love him as he is now?
we have learned alot about genetic deletions and low muscle tone and developmental delays - things we never thought we would have to deal with but the greatest weight that hangs over me is that of disappointment in myself for being so incredibly naieve about bringing a child into the world. about owning my body and making decisions for myself - i knew about my positive GBS and did nothing about it and that angers me. did i put my son through this because of an inability to take ownership of my body. that indecision haunts me. when i laboured with him the midwife came it to give me the antibiotics and i deferred the decision. this - from the initial hospitalisation, to the slow weight gain and subsequent delays has cost my son greatly.
all i can do is resolve to never again be so ignorant as to presume that something will go away if i ignore it. i am not going to allow this to ever happen again - all i can do for him i will do and most importantly this is how i will get over this guilt.
i was living in a world of idealistic dream - i could not imagine that anything would go wrong.
as philip larkin said "they fuck you up your mum and dad/ they may not mean to but they do/ they fill you up with the faults they had/ and add some extra just for you"
