Zodi's Journal

I have managed once again to push my family away. I dont know why I just did Im sick medtally and they think its better if Im off the meds NO WAY I just might commit suicide!!I feel and see every new day its dark and glummy outside that the lighting is out to get me. I need my friend Lori but I know things are tough for her too so I have noone I trust that I can talk to the wont judge and once in awhile have some good adive Tonight 5 Jack and cokes 4 twisted teas and a ambeim And the last thing I want to do is sleep when this happen I think its God way of telling me I got a lot to process and work out how nice. The guilt I feel from hurting myself instead of my mother n law just tears my tummy up partially though cuz shes is just as guilty as I am and she acts like nothing happened no sorry no nothing I know shes telling the whole family about it she like to talk smack about everyone yet her memory loss conviencely is gone BS BITCH you remember  just thinking of this wind me up.I have lost control of one MAJOR thing in my life my physical pain it makes me SO MAD that I either take 8 vicoden a day or try 5 precocet a day. My elbow never got thr proper treatment it needed cause until last minutes she tells me shes afraid to drive downtown the day after surgery I have to pickup my painmeds cuz she refused. Thats when I decided I do what I can w/o asking for help cause w/her stringsa are attached. She then told everyone if I can do this my arm cant be hurtin that bad WTF If I did nothing Im a fat slob but when I did try I musted be in pain I seriously wanted to hurt her that woman I know just by how my week has been  we may have killed ea other neight one of us was willing to compromise on things my reason was out of defense hers was just cause shes a bitch.

Call me ANGRY and holding onto this but who can blame me the only ppl who respect me out of love is my hubby and his brother out of both families everyones else says FUCK OFF. I feel like I have caused this and soon even those two will be FUCK you too. I want to cut so bad now to punish myslef I just wished my hubby realizes this isnt for attention its to release tension How do you get them to understand?