Zodi's Journal

Im not going to sit here and be the lier my mother n law has called me. I have no problem with having a bitch session w/her but last night I tried to talk to my hubby to see if he would give me any information on what her gripes are that I havent heard yet and he said there was a lot and he thinks I will get what we call butt hurt which means upset. The way he said it made me believe he is on her side even after she called him a fool. He has always been her baby and since the moment I met her she has tried to break us up cuz no one is good enough for him except her..... I feel she has convenced him I am lieing about how much physical pain im in I wish I can zap him in my shoes make him feel what I do. I mean how do you defend yourself when all you have as proof is a letter from ya doc stating what he is treating me for and what my restrictions are and in the process of getting one from my shrink explaining I need a routine in my life w/o it I can become unpredictable and unstable that the fact is shes here is a change in my enviroment and I dont do change well exspeacially when Im forced. The moment I feel my in law has convenved that Im not in as much of pain Im in and he to exspects me to do more than I can I dont know if I can live like this and even though suicide is against the bible I seriously dont think I have a choice. If she has managed to get her way w/me and him that too will trigger a massive SI. And Im not going to do this to make them feel guilty Im doing this cuz I cant cope anymore and if they feel guilty then at least I will know that they do care cuz right now I feel like they dont and I feel like I will be ganged up on. I didnt ask for this and why is it that everytime I see the hope that I can feel good and be happy they have to squash it, they have twice since March. I want what I had in March I want to turn back time hubby and I were finially getting along.