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Zodi 
8:48am, October 7, 2009
I have managed once again to push my family away. I dont know why I just did Im sick medtally and they think its better if Im off the meds NO WAY I just might commit suicide!!I feel and see every new day its dark and glummy outside that the lighting is out to get me. I need my friend Lori but I know things are tough for her too so I have noone I trust that I can talk to the wont judge and once in awhile have some good adive Tonight 5 Jack and cokes 4 twisted teas and a ambeim And the last thing I want to do is sleep when this happen I think its God way of telling me I got a lot to process and work out how nice. The guilt I feel from hurting myself instead of my mother n law just tears my tummy up partially though cuz shes is just as guilty as I am and she acts like nothing happened no sorry no nothing I know shes telling the whole family about it she like to talk smack about everyone yet her memory loss conviencely is gone BS BITCH you remember just thinking of this wind me up.I have lost control of one MAJOR thing in my life my physical pain it makes me SO MAD that I either take 8 vicoden a day or try 5 precocet a day. My elbow never got thr proper treatment it needed cause until last minutes she tells me shes afraid to drive downtown the day after surgery I have to pickup my painmeds cuz she refused. Thats when I decided I do what I can w/o asking for help cause w/her stringsa are attached. She then told everyone if I can do this my arm cant be hurtin that bad WTF If I did nothing Im a fat slob but when I did try I musted be in pain I seriously wanted to hurt her that woman I know just by how my week has been we may have killed ea other neight one of us was willing to compromise on things my reason was out of defense hers was just cause shes a bitch.
Call me ANGRY and holding onto this but who can blame me the only ppl who respect me out of love is my hubby and his brother out of both families everyones else says FUCK OFF. I feel like I have caused this and soon even those two will be FUCK you too. I want to cut so bad now to punish myslef I just wished my hubby realizes this isnt for attention its to release tension How do you get them to understand?
Comments
Today I must lay my brother to rest mentally it was made clear that he still hates me for makeing a stupid mistake as a teenager. When I need him the most he rips my heart out and stomps on it. When we did have contact he acted like this was all behind us I was wrong he said I died to him over a decade ago. That the sister he knew doesnt exsit anymore. I also have vulters waiting to tear into me cuz they dont like how I live my life no matter what I say to tell them this is my life they still feell like they know best what the fuck they know they know a small portion of my past so how can they judge me and how I respond to this or anyrhing for this matter Ive had 2 jacks and cokes I want more cause I sorta feel numb. It like the song when doves cry maybe Im demanding maybe your like my father to bold or maybe your like my mother whos never satsfied. I am doing whatever I can to stay away tempations we all know that are strong I wrote my dad but they are close maybe he will once again abandon me again I swear Know one understand and I begining not to care anymore I dont think I can feel as hurt as I am now. My hubby and his mother see me upset they r going back and forth tring to ignore me see what I hve to put up with maybe things will be better off if I do go and not in the sense of leaveing the house but leaving this eartth I gtp talk later
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I'm so sorry your family is giving you such a hard time. It is really awful when family can't support you. I understand how that feels.
Im not going to sit here and be the lier my mother n law has called me. I have no problem with having a bitch session w/her but last night I tried to talk to my hubby to see if he would give me any information on what her gripes are that I havent heard yet and he said there was a lot and he thinks I will get what we call butt hurt which means upset. The way he said it made me believe he is on her side even after she called him a fool. He has always been her baby and since the moment I met her she has tried to break us up cuz no one is good enough for him except her..... I feel she has convenced him I am lieing about how much physical pain im in I wish I can zap him in my shoes make him feel what I do. I mean how do you defend yourself when all you have as proof is a letter from ya doc stating what he is treating me for and what my restrictions are and in the process of getting one from my shrink explaining I need a routine in my life w/o it I can become unpredictable and unstable that the fact is shes here is a change in my enviroment and I dont do change well exspeacially when Im forced. The moment I feel my in law has convenved that Im not in as much of pain Im in and he to exspects me to do more than I can I dont know if I can live like this and even though suicide is against the bible I seriously dont think I have a choice. If she has managed to get her way w/me and him that too will trigger a massive SI. And Im not going to do this to make them feel guilty Im doing this cuz I cant cope anymore and if they feel guilty then at least I will know that they do care cuz right now I feel like they dont and I feel like I will be ganged up on. I didnt ask for this and why is it that everytime I see the hope that I can feel good and be happy they have to squash it, they have twice since March. I want what I had in March I want to turn back time hubby and I were finially getting along.
Comments
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okay, just talk with them be as nice as you can, tell them both how you are feeling, use this to your advantge, and tell your hubby that you are starting to feel like you want to kill yourself, and for your own safty, you need to call your shrink and tell her what the hell is going on, and see if you could talk with her and see if she could do a group session so that, you have someone on your side too. Also if you really think you are going to cut so bad that you will kill your self, you really need to go to the hospital to get some emergancy help, killing your self is not the way to get out of this, I've tried many times and I'm only 15, so don't another thing you could do is go stay with a close friend, family member, or go to a hotel just get away for a little while, I'm sure that someone in your life really dose care about you and loves you and needs you in there life. It will be okay
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| June 2009 |
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Sunday, 6/07
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Wednesday, 6/03
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May 2009 |
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Saturday, 5/30
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Thursday, 5/28
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Monday, 5/18
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Sunday, 5/17
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Sunday, 5/03
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April 2009 |
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Tuesday, 4/28
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Hi hun, I just felt the need to respond to this. I don't usually give advice since my life is so out of sorts. But I live with a person that does what you do. It is so very hard for me to understand why it happens. BUT, I love him and try to understand every day. I stand by him in truly bad days and the good ones. If your hubby loves you like I think he does, he will keep trying and never let you go just because of that. He will stand by you thru everything. His mom however ... well, somepeople are just cranky lol. Try to keep positive people around you that love you and make you happy. It may help. I dont know. I hope this helped you a bit. I wish you all the happiness and love that life has to offer. We all need that :)
Shadowsofmymind