rapidpulse's Journal

I've lost my "self" and I have been looking for him for while now.  I wonder if I'll ever find him.  I thought I knew who I was and what I was about, but truthfully it feels as if he was never around to begin with.  "Self" if you're out there, please come back...

What I'm saying is that I had my shit together.  Nothing in this world could ever bring me down.  Today, with all my trials and tribulations compiling one onto the other, I feel as if I have fallen and I can't get up.  "Change your thought process" is what I keep hearing from everyone, my therapist, friends, family, support.  Easier said than done.  When my fears become reality, every tool I have in my "self" flies right out the door.  The meltdown begins in my mind, worrying about the inevitable... which is loosing everything.

At this point, I have lost everything.  So what's the point?  Why work hard?  Why put effort into something that can so easily be taken away?  Because I've lived my life as such a passionate person in all that I've done.  And my circumstance today is my payback for living like that?  Bad things happen to people that work hard?  Who have morals?  Values?

Bad things happen to everyone I guess.

I thought that I have experienced depression before.  I was wrong, because now I really know what depression is like.