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Yung 
On my first day of receving my chemo infusion, my husband was at my side. The nurse accessed my port and hooked my IV line up to a bunch of bags that hung from the IV pole. I received a lot of pre-med to prevent the serious side effects of the chemo before I received the “real stuff”. It took about 5-6 hours long to complete the process.
I looked around the room and I was so surprised to see that all the chemo chairs in the big room were occupied. I said to myself: “My gosh, there are that many people having cancer? That’s really alarming”. I then looked out though the glass windows. It was sunny and the sky was clear. I wished that I could be out there instead of being in here.
It seems so ironic to me that there are two separated “worlds” that exist at the same time, on the same street block - the world of the lucky, healthy people out there, and the world of the not-so-lucky ones, who are depending on their chemo IV lines for their longevity. And I “belong” to the latter.
I felt so sad, I wanted to cry, but I immediately fought against that feeling, because I was afraid that if I allowed myself to feel or to get emotional over what was happening to me, I would “crash” and won’t be able to meet my life’s biggest challenge head on.
Over the period of six long months, I have been enduring the up and down cycles of my chemo treatments, many unpleasant chemo side effects such as poor appetite, fatigue, can’t stay asleep long, having join pains, peripheral neuropathy, and chemo induced anemia, etc.
Aside from the physical impairments, I felt so cut off from my previous world. My 33-year career had abruptly ended. I felt “shut down” and no longer being the energetic, multitasking professional woman as I used to be. I have lost the drives that I used to have. I no longer think of any long term planning. I am not myself anymore. My heart aches when I look at myself in the mirror, wondering who is the person looking back at me.
I often wonder how much my husband has suffered having lived through this terrible ordeal. My heart aches for him too. We have been married for over thirty years. Those were wonderful years of great living that we shared. We were looking forward to many more.
Unfortunately, life had thrown us a curved ball. Instead of plotting and planning for our leisure travels, we were busy keeping track of my weekly doctor appointments, lab tests, and my chemo schedules. Instead of traveling to see the world, we traveled to see the oncologists, to Johns Hopkins, to the PET Center, and to the Infusion Center.
I feel so bad for my husband. Because of my illness, his life has taken a 180 degrees turn. His dreams of travel to see the world in style have to be suspended. His engaging, loving and devoting wife is not quite there for him any more. And, the worse is yet to come …
I pray that he will be strong and our love will long last.
Comments
It takes a little while to get over the effects of chemo which is what I suspect you are going through right now. You finised chemo with a low CA 125 which says to me you are in remission. You were not handed a death sentence. There is no reason you cannot continue with your plans of travel. It sounds to me like you may be a little depressed. Maybe you should see a counselor. Many people that have gone through cancer/chemo need that. I pray you will feel better soon. Love and hugs to you.
anitaama
I agree with Anita's advice about seeing a counselor. I have been meeting with a counselor who specializes in cancer survivors and it has been a tremendous help. Much of what you describe feeling, I also felt. I kept waiting for more bad news and felt as though I was living in an alternative universe while ordinary life moved around me. Counseling and learning through this site that there are other women living good, productive, and happy lives with ovarian cancer have been a wonderful help to me. I had the added complication in that I developed a frequently fatal blood disorder after my cancer surgery and nearly died from it. I've been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and generalized anxiety disorder but the good news is that these are treatable and that I am doing great. I'm living back in the world with everyone else and I am getting on with my life. Yes, the cancer is a part of it all, and will probably always be. Like you, I had extensive disease but right now, things are good, I am back to work fulltime and really appreciating being alive more than ever. Again, consider getting a referral to a counselor experienced with cancer patients. It's helped me feel alive again. Also, my husband had a very hard time with it all; plus, I have nine children and they were shaken by all the events. Cancer doesn't just affect the person, it affects the family and counseling doesn't just help the person, it can help the family. Best wishes and hugs, Janet
IUPUI
I really wished you had found us here at the beginning of your treatment.. we would have all helped to keep your spirits up and you would not have felt so alone with others going through the same experience..
The first time I was treated for cancer was over nine years ago now.. and I didn't have this sort of support. It has been so different this time and in many ways a very happy time for me. The first time I did go for counseling and I would recommend it to everyone. It was a wonderful space to work through my feelings and to come to terms with everything that was happening.
You sound like a very sensitive and thoughtful woman and I get the sense that you are a bit worn down and depressed with your situation. I hope that we can somehow help you with that.
When you looked out of the window, during your first chemo, and saw the world as full of the 'lucky' people and the 'not so lucky ones' I can't help thinking that, though it seemed that way to you.. it isn't really the case.. There are plenty of people out there without cancer, living extremely unhappy, unfulfilled and miserable lives.. and there are people with cancer who have learned to make the very best of their lives... enjoying and living their lives like never before. I am glad you fought against those feelings and got through it.
You will feel better than this.. the side effects of the chemo can take some time to recover from. I finished last July and am only just feeling physically, emotionally and mentally great again.. Ok so I have to have chemo again.. but I am fit and ready for it and intend to be around for a long time yet.. I have recovered twice from chemotherapy and I will do it again...
In so many ways my life is better now than it ever was before.. I don't have time for nonsense and focus on the important things that fill my life and make each day a special one.. I have had to rebuild myself and my life twice now and each time I have made it better than before.. and that is a challenge that is fun to do.
Be very patient and kind with yourself.. you will get your strength and energy back.. just time patience and understanding and you will get better.. We have a woman here who has been cancer free for over twenty years and she had stage4.. we are all survivors.. we are not alone and we wont let it win.. not in the important things that really matter to us..
I really hope and wish, for you and your husband, that you find some wonderful things to do.. now that you are chemo free.. things to raise your spirits and to keep you strong for whatever the future brings. I have a very wet and muddy puppy here licking my ear and demanding a cuddle.. so must end for now.. sending you the very best wishes and a great big hug for all you have been through.. the worst is over and we are all here for you xxxx
Halli