Journal

God gives us roads that we can handle.

Paths of different lengths.

I might fail every first try.

Cry many tears,

But I will get up

and not give in

for the love I lost

is now fullfilled

the child I gave

he gave me two

for the house I lost

there will always be more

I have my love

my kids

I was walking into Walmart with my two little girls when I passed a table with a disabled vet sitting there.  I wished I had money to put in there I felt bad for the old man sitting there.   I know when he came back there was nobody there for him.  His country had turned thier back on what they didn't understand.  A man just doing his job.  Its funny everyone thinks the military are heros.  Maybe to some we are, but I know for me I was a person going to work trying to make ends meet.  My job was just a little more extreme.

Well lets go into my story I'll be the first to say I am no saint I loved to party when I was in the army and lets just say I partied hard.  For the army is a hard life for anyone and more so for a female. 

I guess I can start a little before the army my whole family were fire fighters.   It was the day before christmas.   My mother was at work at the fire dept and there was a call for a fire that my father and sister went to.  I was to young to be a memeber myself.  All I know is that I was watching tv when I heard the dispatch call over and over again asking the tanker where it was. 

The 911 dispatch called the fire engine and told it to go back.  It couldn't make contact with the tanker. 

My mother called... while I was home alone.  Time stopped.  There was an accident.  She didn't know who was involved she knew that it was bad and she knew that my sister and father were there.

Hours and hours went by there was very little radio communication.

My mother picked me up and took me to the fire station and we finally found out it wasn't my sister or my father in the tanker.  I was like thank God.  it wasn't them.  I don't want to say I thought it was a good thing, but it wasn't them. 

Then they told me it was my best friend Steven They couldn't make the turn he the truck ran into the trees.  It was the ice, it was whatever they said.  I don't remember. 

All I know is I was there to tell is Father, Mother, Sister, and girlfriend.  I can remember the empty screams.  The sound she made when she knew her baby wasn't coming home again.  I saw his father fall to his knees.   I heard the pain in his sister scream a mile down the road when the told her.

Its amazing how quick things can end.  And amazing how empty ones life can feel or become.

And the reality that the news isn't  always isn't better.

I was in the Army for five years I like to say I was married to it because getting out of it was like a divorce.  I gave it everything and it took it for everything when I left it.  Or I say I left it after it took everything from me.

I could go into many stories, but let start with the first one.  I was stationed at Fort Eustis.  Great place I loved the ocean.  Please let me stay by the water there is nothing like that sound.  I had the greatest friends in the world we all had good times.  Well isn't that what kids did I was only19 living my life doing everything I ever wanted.  

My friends, my partners, they were my back up while I was on the road.  I was military police I never thought once that my back wasn't covered. 

Till one night there was a call for the NCO academy bldg,  it was on fire.  My friend drove to fast to the scene.  She was trying to keep up with Peace, I only wish she could of been thinking of herself of her safty.  She didn't make the turn.  She hit a tree so hard that the tires and light bar came off the car.  The car was going so fast that it took layers off the tree and the car skid atleast 7-10 feet up the tree. 

In the Hospital she looked fine not a scratch.  Her family asked us all to pray and say something.  I couldn't say a word I could only look at her 2-3 yr old daughter.  That she used to bring to the barracks to show off to all of us.  She was a little angel.  So cute.  I wish I could remeber her name.  I wish I could of switched places with her mother.  The army tried to abandon her daughter tried to say that it wasn't a accident or something.  Trying to keep the insurance money from the family.  Go Army! way to take care of your own.  Thank God she did get the money though.  She passed away.  Five days after my birthday. 

I did what anyone in the army would.  I worked out I drank I partied.  Not for the fun of it to forget.  Thats why I left my home I couldn't forget.  I couldn't get away from the memories.  From the lonliness, pain and hurt. 

Over time it got better I met someone times got a little easier.  Till I got sent to Korea.  Don't get me wrong I loved it there.  It was a great place.  I worked endlessly, but saw a part of the world that I never would of if it weren't for the army.  Soju' the drink of champs.  It was great you can drink all day and it wouldn't touch you till you stood up.  Great drink. 

It was all great I had a blast that was until I made it home one night and went in my barracks room going to bed.  I drank to much.  I just wanted to sleep it off. Well one of my guy friends decided to join me.  I remember waking up and running outside of the barracks to the balcony wrapped in a blanket.  I guess he figured me passed out was good enough for him.  Thank God I didn't get pregnant but he left his mark on me will a illness. 

I don't know why I didn't report it.  I guess it was because I was drunk.  Maybe I thought it was my fault I shouldn't of drank myself that badly.  I made it through it.  It ruined many of great relationships because I was honest and told the guys I was ill.  It was only hpv but believe me it might as well been hiv.  Thats how people treated me.  So I was in a slump.

Well I made it back state side to Fort Hood.  Another great place with many great friends and people.  From there I got deployed to Cuba.  Baby sitting grown men.  Oh Joy.  But once again I loved to party.  I was a loner I hung out by myself so I wouldn't have to deal with people.  That and I couldn't hang out with a soldier because I was a NCO and I couldn't hang out with a NCO because it was thought to be Fraternization.  

That was until CSM told us we had to have battle buddies.  Well I listened as I was told.  I had other people around me because it was safer. 

Here comes the worse part of my life.  I got drugged by a bunch of guys, I got raped.  Bad enough that I couldn't go to the bathroom without pain.  I was bleeding for days.  I remember flashes of everything, but not much.  I didn't realize it happend till I went to the bathroom and my undies were on inside out.  One heck of a way to realize that you were raped.  Great huh....

Thats not the worse part oh God I only wish it would of been.  I got pregnant.  I didn't know whos it was.  I was 21 I tried to go to the hospital.  I just wanted to see the obgyn.  they wouldn't let me. I kept asking they said why I just said please.  They said no.    I left the Hospital.  With nothing done.  They wouldn't help this was a naval hospital.  Way to take care of your own. 

i couldn't tell you the stress I was under.  God what do I do.   All I did was cry more and more each day.  I was either working or crying, drinking or working out.  I figured it out I was either going to drink or work myself out to death.  I tried I tried so hard to do it.  I failed the most that would happen is I would get light headed after a five mile run.  Drinking made me sick.

God forgive me for what I did next I got rid of the baby.  I pay for it today for not giving it the chance I'm 30 now and it still hurts.  I deserve it.  the pain.  I should of kept it and loved it, but I was so affraid that I would not be able to love it and now I Know I could of and I live with it every day.   So I still cry over it.  Pain .....being shot would be easier.

This takes me to Iraq.  I remember the first time I didn't shoot my weapon.  It changed really quick if I could of done that to a  life in my body.  there was no way I was going to hold back there.  In other words you shoot at me I will get you.  I fired back.   And I contribute making it  home to luck.  RPG, IED, and being shot at all the time.  I was there at the begining I made it back by luck.... Where was the luck for the rest of life.

I got in a abusive relationship I got pregant I have to beautiful little girls.  From throwing me around when I was pregnant.  Trying to drag me out of the house naked.  Slaming my head into the truck window.  Throwing  countless items at me.  Slamming me on the ground.  Pushing, shoving, choking me.  Grabbing my arms twisting them like he was going to break them I told him... do it one more time.  I am 5'4 he is 6'4.  I told him I will get him I am not affraid of him.......He is the Infantry hero.  I am the woman that no one will ever think anything of.  That you will walk by and think everything is perfect....When it never has been...

So I went from all this.  I don't feel sorry for myself.   I am greatfull for my daughters.   For my life.  I don't believe I deserve much. And God for some reason gave me more then I deserve.  My girls are more then I deserve.  But now I live in fear trying to keep myself healthy so I can take care of my girls.  Because there is no family in my life that will do it.  No friends either.  Just me and my girls.