Journal

I think deep down I really knew that smoking wasn't just a "bad habit" but instead it is an addiction.  When I went to Whyquit.com it was like the curtians parted and the blinders came off.  I had a "quit date" in my mind of July 1 but after reading Joel's book I threw away my cigarettes, nicorette gum and nicotine lozenges.  I quit right then and there. No more.  Not one puff ever.... NOPE is my hope.

What the heck is going on?  My husband is getting angry/agressive/suspicious about phone calls, the dog barking, the cat meowing, the grandkids coming over.  He wants to drive my car.... go for a joy ride in my car while I'm at work.  He is the one who didn't know how to open a can of chili last week and he wants to go for a day trip.  I've tried to explain to him that his driving is too agressive and the doctors have threatened to call the Dept. of Public Services and have his license revolked but he insists he is a good driver.  As he says ... It's not him, its all those crazy people out there on the road.  THEY are the ones who cause him to drive that way.

So I have that going on and NOW my daughter is going through a divorce and is so emotionally fragile right now it scares me.  One day she is strong and calm the next day she is over the top angry and yelling or complaining.  She has been on anti depressants, and/or anti anxiety meds for a few years now.  She was going to a psycologist  but since the divorce she lost her medical insurance. 

I'm about to lose it here.  I am holding on by my fingernails.  Some days it seems like the only thing to do is to pack a bag and walk away, and never come back.  But I know I can't, won't do that.  My grandkids need someone to depend on.  My daughter needs help and I will do my very best to help her but she has GOT to get ahold of herself.   She is so concerned with herself right now she doesn't see what is happening to her kids.

Another day in my CRAZY world

My husband struggles now to keep himself busy during the day.  Whenever he has something to do he is consumed by it and when he doesn't have a project going on he gets so depressed. 

I try to find things he wants to do but he limits himself to just a very few things.  I don't want to give him any reason to work with his power tools.  Last year he nearly cut off the tip of his finger with the table saw.  He is on blood thinning meds and he could bleed to death.  He has started walking at the community park and that is so good for him but it only takes an hour or so.

I'm concerned about him being alone all day but I have to work to support us .  I wonder if I should hire someone to come stay with him as a companion for a few hours every other day.  Is there anyone out there that would want that kind of job? How do I find them?

I can see some changes in him recently.  He doesn't recognize his family (aunts, uncles, cousins) photo's any more.  He still knows who his sister is though.  He didn't know how to open a can of chili.  He didn't remember the can opener or how to use it.