mrsdough's Journal

This last week has tested my coping skills and i am afraid i have failed.  It started when my sister started in about my nephews birthday party which i mentioned in the previous entry, but it has gotten so bad that my older sister threw me in one of the most scariest panic attacks i've had since i got locked in a freezer at work!!!  I had been asking my sister to allow me to have my neice and nephews over for night for a while, and so on Wednesday she called me up and i was driving home from a great time with my best friend.  And my sister had said that she had conditions on which i would be allowed to have the kids over.  So i thought ok she'll have some strange request and i'll agree and it would be fine.  But it wasn't so easy, her first request that i don't leave the children alone with my mother, because apparently my mom showed the kids a video of 2 men dropping their pants and playing the piano with thier, well i'm not sure what part of their anatomy they could play the piano so well with!  Anyway my sister said it was a form of sexual abuse, and i thought that was way off!!  Was it inapproprite, probably and the kids probably should of seen it, but sexually abusive not in the least.  my mom loves those kids.  So i was a little taken aback by that but my sister wasn't finished yet, the next target was my husband.  I can take a lot and i have taken a lot from my sister and she went after my husband, i couldn't let her do that, her complaint was that my husband had wrote some mean things on facebook, and was convinced if he was left alone with the kids he would bash their mother to no end!!  which is bullshit, but i told her that the stuff my husband wrote on facebook was him trying to express himself in the current situation, which has mad him angry and my husband is not good with words and emotions so what he wrote came off aggressive, but i told her that she needed to talk to him about it because it was between her and him and they needed to act like grown ups and deal with it on their own, my husband was up for it, but my sister said that because we were married i had just as much voice to the situation then i did.  Anyway, that was hard to hear, then came the worst part of all, it was all or nothing, i was not allowed to have the kids over unless i was around all the time, and i told her that i couldn't do it, i couldn't allow her to say those nasty things about my mom and my husband, she made me choose between my mom my husband and my niece and nephew and i had to choose my husband, i was crying, then my pay as you go phone ran out of minutes and i just cried. i had to pull over on the side of the road i was starting to have a panic attack, and i knew i needed to get off the road, so i did safely thank god.

My panic attack i couldn't stop screaming, i was screaming and my body wasn't my own i was jerking so violently my back still hurts, i tried to get help for someone to stop and get me help but no one would help me that mad the terror worse, i don't know how long i was there for but i couldn't stop screaming god it hurt so bad, i thought i was going to lose my heart, and i thought it has come down to this, i had to choose between the two biggest parts of my hearts were torn apart.  I hate that i am here for so short of time and may not be able to see those kids and it breaks me apart!!

Another thing my sister has been on too is that she things that i am in an abusive relationship that my husband is an abuser, she also thinks that because of my sexual abuse history that i have married a pedophile!!  GODDAMITT!  The explination behind that was that when my husband was younger he got involved with a woman that had 7 kids, and he had found one of those kids smoking pot outside and told them that they could smoke pot in the house, so they would be safe well he got charged for that, and soon after his relationship ended with the woman, and because he wouldn't give up the van, his ex made one of her daughters lie about molesting her.  While they were preparing for court, the girl was in making the deposition she told the lawyers that my husband never did anything of the sort, to her and that her mom made her tell this story so she could have his van.  so it was all a lie, and i told my sister up front about it and now 4.5 years later hes a pedophile, and he has spent time with the kids alone and everything and everything was cool. 

My sister is being a royal bitch and she is making my coping skills almost non existant, i am hurting so bad, my depression is worsening, my anxiety is skyrocketing, and my ability to cope with these emotions are becoming difficult to deal with, i am trying to do my best but i feel as if i'm failing.  I never thought that in my lifetime my sister would attack me so vicously that she would make me feel the way i do.  I just want to go home now, i don't want to be so close to her, i don't want to be the cause of pain for those kids, and i am, and i know i am because of my decision and it hurts.  I don't know what to do, but i'm getting worse and heading down a dark path and i can't seem to stop!!!