Not having a good day. Everything …
Not having a good day. Everything is turning bad around me. I feel "trapped"
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Rac87el 
Well i'm Still dealing with crazy health problems, no real change except for some of my back teeth are falling apart and my back is killing me. The doctors couldnt find no fractures on my spine but it might be inflammed but here's the kicker, cant fit the MRI machine so cant have the test done to prove if its inflammation or not. I'm a 100lbs over the weight limit. In fact im at the highest weight I have ever been 444 lbs. Trying to eat better to get some of the weight off so I can start to exercise and feel better.
Then I lost my phone and had to buy a new one. Also been dealing with others in my family having health issues and drama in their lives. One cousin is having severe GI problems and i'm hoping its not colon cancer or something as serious, another cousin is dealing with severe heart issues and then there are spouse issues and my mother's crackhead fiance is getting out of prison in a few weeks and been dealing with her ever scattered brain schizoness and she has torn cartilage in both knees and needs surgery to fix it and she doesnt have insurance and she keeps falling and injuring them more, so my mind is going a million directions worried about my family members and my own self.
Now Between the 3rd and 7th of this month I was in the ER 3 times due to chest and back pain so severe I could have sworn I was having a heartattack, but its not heart related and doctors dont know what it could be because im too big for the MRI machine, so we will have to find out what can be done in place of that test.
My mind is also really screwed up because my friend's baby died. He was sick and had problems with tumors in his head but for him to pass by rolling over onto his trach is so heartbreaking. I would never ever wish even on my worst enemy that their kids would die. I wish I could take the pain away from her. It breaks my heart and another friend her mother passed Last week too. Death is so heavy and hard to get off of my heart. RIP baby Will and Mama Jean!
Well the last thing i'm going to talk about is what my mom told me today about my cousin. I was planning on going on the 21st and spending thru Halloween with my cousin and her family. Now i'm being told im just wanted to stay for 1-2 nights which with it being about 3 hour drive each way its worth the gas money to burn for such a short stay. When I had talked to my cousin the day before everything was cool for me to come down and stay but I know after she ended up in the ER and all the other stuff that has jumped off, from the way my mom made it sound is like she doesnt need anymore distractions right now. Even though when Im there I help around the house and look after my 3 yr old cousin so she can rest , so my heart is hurt a bit and my mom says that my cousin just didnt want to hurt my feelings that is why she didnt say anything and trying to make it look like my cousin is saying things and now going to do the opposite, so I really dont know whats going on and who to believe because my cousin hasnt called me back or texted me, she has been texting my mom and I know how my mom gets paranoid and twists stuff around so I'm wanting to talk to my cousin to get this figured out because we are more like sisters than cousins, so I hope she calls me soon so I can know what really was said and why. But if they are too busy with stuff I'm just gonna wait a while until we can have a decent visit to come out.
Since I have been home the last 2 weeks all I have been doing is sleeping and watching tv and movies, trying to deal with all the stuff in my head. I'm also trying to catch up on all my schoolwork that im behind in. I still dont have this shit under control and I dont think I will be able to take classes on campus during the winter semester. so I might have to change my major but we will see. I keep changing my mind constantly and going back to my orignal choices. But that is all that has been going on in my world and life. My kitten Rambo is doing good and getting big but he gets lonely just me and him all the time in my apt, but we will see how things work out. I think my meds have finally kicked in and having a hard time thinking straight so hopefully this note makes sense. I will get all this shit straightened out so I know I will be ok. I hope everyone else isnt going thru bs like this and that u all r blessed and happy and healthy!
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My goodness! Enough is enough, I would say!! No wonder you aren't feeling well, going through all of this plus your health issues. I know I am having high pain right now,...a doc once told me--spring and fall, that is when everyone who has a pain issure seems to be so much worse. I know I have sciatica now on top of everything else, and yours is maybe caused by the same issue. As far as your weight, I am not going to comment....I have been up and down my whole life long and when I once lost 100#--guess what? My back did not improve--even the specialist had to admit that,...before, he blamed so much on the weight. Right now with all the moving and stuff, I am not as "good" as I should be, and being in this kind of pain, but I am around 1/2 of what you are carrying. It is still too much for me, because I am short, and the 7 back surgeries has made me even shorter! (no fair!) I was 5'4 1/2" and now barely make 5'2"--sucks big time! anyway you need to concentrate on YOU right now and take one step at a time, Hon! God Bless you! Love & Hugs, Judy
JudyWI
No wonder why you didn't call yesterday... you have way too much on your plate to remember not to mention losing your phone. My goodness! I hope you can find a way to get some much needed rest and health relief. (((hugs)))
AliceNWunderland
Thanks ladies! I appreciate the love and support. I will call u tomorrow Alicia. Hope u feel better soon Judy! U need some rest! Love ya both! Big hugs! Rachel
Rac87el
take care and love yourself. there is very little you can do for others when you're so ill right now. take a deep breath. a little walk. get out of your head. it's too messy in there. go and do something you enjoy.
Abotsd
just keep going sweety its all we can do..just our best..huggs D....
mintyme