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jkthaley 
11:27pm, October 28, 2009
I feel so different from minute to minute, but the Lord has provided me with some peace and I feel somehow freer when I breathe from time to time. I work with gifted students sometimes and they brightened my day today by making me all kinds of cards while I was gone saying what a great mom they know I am and how really nice I am to them and everyone around them all the time. It makes me feel good to know and I shared my faith with them (after it is brought up by a student it is okay to talk about as long as you are not persuading them or their grade is based on it). I hope that they see that the Lord really can help us get through very terrible experiences and as sad as I am and sometimes feel like I am going to fall over or am not worthy, life goes on.
My husband and I went to the alter yesterday at church (we are both really Methodist but atttend and love our Baptist church so the alter thing is new and different as we just basicaly used it for communion at the church we went to for years) and everyone prayed with us for peace. We both cried and prayed together and then came out of it feeling stronger. We both feel that GOD will give us another baby and want to try again right now. I feel that it is what GOD is telling me but then I scare myself and wonder if I am setting myself up to be hurt worse than before?!!? I am trying hard to give my burdens to the Lord and asking him that his will be done (which I selfishly hope is for a healthy baby soon!).
I am so blessed to have my daughter and she is healthy and happy along with my family and I know that............I feel guilty for having this deep desire and for "feeling sorry for myself" which Ireally don't think is even the right way to describe how or what I feel.
There were over ten pregnant teens at the school I was at today and I notice every baby bump and little one when I am out in public. Iguess that it is normal, but I do not want to be that woman who obsesses or whatever.
If you are reading this, any insights, opinions, comments are welcome and prayer is especially nice. I know my Lord is in control and answers prayers so this is very comforting in this awful time.
Comments
Yesterday while at a local eatery talking to an old friend's mother who had said that she had lost a baby and new the isolation and absolute hell of going through it and then afterwards was telling me not to even try to get over it but to make peace with it, etc. being really nice and the lady at the next table who was a complete stranger goes, "I bet you were just too stressed and that is why you lost your baby". Now, this was after hearing me say that they said it was just one of those things and no rhyme or reason to why it happened and how I already felt guilty about the whole thing!!!!! I did n't know what to say or how to act.
I have also noticed that when people ask if I am going to try again and I say, yes immediately, I want to have another baby, they judge me.......but my cousin who miscarried on the same day (tragic irony that has brought us closer) tell people she doesn't know if she is ready because she is scared this will happen again, people judge her! It was two weeks today and people act like we both should just be fine now. She was two weeks behind and did not get to deliver her baby bc he had passed several weeks before and mine died that day so our experiences are a little differnt but both hurt so bad......like from the minute we found out that our children were coming they weren't really babies or something. We both are planners and were so excited and talked about Christmas outfits etc. and even at Easter, I looked at my husband and said next year at this time we shall have a four year old and seven month old!!!!!!!!! Now all of the events that I was looking forward to just seem like cruel reminders and I do not want to be that person or have that attitutde! I pray for everyone to have peace and that it is GOD's will for them to have a healthy baby because everyone on here really wants this precious miracle that some people just take for granted.
By the way, two weeks ago today, I was in labor and I can not stop thinking about life before two weeks ago Tuesday at 2:48 and aftr. I guess it always will be a life altering time for me!
jkthaley