jkthaley's Journal

I want to write this to somehow pluck all of the words and thoughts out of my brain that no matter how hard I try, just melt into nothingness and make me numb and almost dumbfounded.  There are all these words full of well-wishing and optimisms that try to find their way into my heart from my head but just get melted and muffled by the tears I am holding back.  They flood my brain and head and just might be the reason that my neck and head feel like that they my tip my whole body over any second.

            I am in no means downplaying my undivided faith in my Lord as I am thankful for knowing my angel is with my loved ones and know He took him only to save him and all of us who loved Jordan from further pain and heartache.  I also appreciate my entire family for all that they do and for being such unwavering comfort in a time of complete disbelief and darkness.  The entity that I keep questioning is myself.

            I do not know how to act, think, or even what to say right now as I am full of self-doubt and almost hatred for myself and my body that seems to always be my biggest enemy.  I am pain stricken to some degree everyday while I fight to keep my breathing and diabetes under control. Again, I am not trying to complain as I am truly blessed and thankful for it also has made me who I am today.  I also face infertility which is my body again.  Being a woman but knowing you may never get to feel that incredible flutter or even the kick of a baby when you want o so bad is crazy.  I want to give my incredible gift from GOD a sibling and can not even fathom the people who do not even have that one child; it is beyond words.  When you do not think it is going to happen at all, it makes you appreciate a gift from GOD such as Jordan even more. I did not honestly think that I could have another child and had accepted that fact and was overjoyed beyond measure or words when I found out Jordan was coming.  Hopefully, this will happen again through pregnancy or adoption or whatever GOD brings my way again.

Again, Haley is my world and I love her in a way that not even a big budget film could describe. Parenting and being her mommy is an amazing gift, blessing, burden of trying your best and sometimes a roll of the dice as we try to make sure to give her enough self-confidence but not too much, enough education to instill a love of learning but keep her from obsessing or becoming too far left brained, teaching her to love and have compassion, but to have a backbone and stand up for herself etc.  My little girl is very much so the absolute proof that the Lord answers prayers and miracles happen.  There is not one day that she doesn’t make us laugh, smile, and amaze us with her talents.  Thank you GOD!

I want her to have a sibling to not only go through childhood with, but also to have the incredible support system and WWF partners (I think we’re on round 946) that I do with my sisters.  One of these days, the Lord shall take Jay and I home and I want her to have someone to be there to deal with everything.  This would be a gift to her that I don’t think I have even understood until I needed someone to pick me up off the floor as an adult.  I am by no means downplaying how much love, compassion, and support that my family gives her everyday as she has more than one mommy looking out for her so she is in trouble as a teenage but blessed beyond compare.  My family is a blessing beyond words or even what a Full House episode could depict, but it is something my heart aches for. I feel that pain and sorrow throughout so much it is in the tip of my hair and baby toe nail as I mourn the loss of my son-my son; what words and thoughts that conjures up! What angers me down to my soul is that people mistreat their precious gifts from GOD and we as society do nothing…….It repulses me that people abort babies that are as big as my son.  He was and is a person and is with people I love because of the Lord’s grace not because of someone’s selfishness or absolutely stupidity.  People half-ass raising their children is just as bad and disgusting though I guess.

I still can not even believe that I will not feel the flutter again or have to roll down the aisle at Holly’s wedding this summer. I know it sounds so selfish, but I don’t want to see people or experience anything right now because in my selfish brain, I should be feeling, seeing, smelling, and tasting everything as an expectant mom, not as someone with a defective empty womb.  I had already planned the summer and pictured trying to help Haley as she went across the monkey bars or trying to stay cool in the beef barn at the fair; not to mention the future fairs where Jordan would strut his steer through the ring and fight for his chance to get Putt Putt another ribbon for the wall.  I had the nursery ideas planned in my head and just grieve the future my imagination had created.  All of that is now sucked into a black hole cloud that seems to be swelling and swirling in my heart that almost makes it hard to breath.

I know the Lord cries for me too and is there for me and I even know why he took my baby home.  I really do thank him for his mercy and for doing this.  I just guess all of me has not accepted that Jordan is not growing inside of me and will come out crying and possibly sleeping through the night more than his three-year-old sister does now. 

On Monday, I am going to have to go about life as nothing happened and that I am not throwing clots or swollen to the point my maternity clothes are all that fit me right now.  I am going to have to smile and wait for people’s stupidity to start as some of them are truly trying to be thoughtful and sweet while other people are just curious and don’t have the manners to know better or think before speaking.  I know most people mean well and I appreciate their love and support so I am by no means downplaying people’s well-wishes or how much I appreciate their thoughts, prayers, and attempts to comfort me, but I don’t think people think or can fathom how this feels.  I know some people will not make eye contact out of fear to say the wrong thing or even that it may happen to them.  I just don’t feel ready or strong enough to do that. Some people do not see what the big deal is as my son was not a real baby yet although I do not know when in their self righteous brain my son would have been a true child where I would have been allowed to grieve as a mom who lost their child.

Some people may ask what I want now.  I keep asking myself this question but not quite as nice tone to myself. Well, that is kind of like asking a hobo what kind of house he wants; he may know he wants to stay arm and have running water, but his imagination can not even consider things like tile or wallpaper.  I want to not feel pregnant but yet I cherish every last reminder and second of my time as Jordan’s mommy (this is the main reason I did not want pain meds as I wanted to experience everything with him to the fullest). I want to have another baby, but am filled with absolute terror about going through this again and am reminded of the startling percentage that I will never have another baby as I have a better probabilistically chance of winning the lottery and getting struck by lightening.  I want Jay to not in any way blame me or anyone else in my family who say they don’t but it has to be running in everyone’s mind about my diabetes or something. Even though the doctor say it is not my fault, I can not even stop the idea from running through my brain that it is probably in some way my fault and they would not have told me if it was anyway.  I want Jay and my family to get to grieve without having to feel that they have to think of me more or deal with me.  I feel like I need to heal, but have no idea how to start or what that even freaking means.  I don’t know what to do now. I need to forgive myself and just enjoy my family and friends and all my blessings but I don’t know what to do to do that anymore either.  Haley is my blessing and gift from GOD and I am so truly appreciative of that. In fact, if you ask her about it she will tell you she is my gift from GOD and we thank him a lot as we rock to sleep.  I know I am blessed and am tired of sounding whiney and ungrateful. I just am so full of ick. Saying that I need to enjoy my little family and hope for the best seems like a great plan, but those words seem as empty and hollow to me right now as the Maury show or a cheesy Hallmark card.  What the hell does that mean?! I do appreciate my life, my blessings, my family and try to show it and do the Lord’s work in my life.  I try to live my life through him, I ask myself questions like did I not do enough? Did I do something wrong? Sin too much? Two thoughts keep running through my head and I can not shut them up.  Someone at Elizabeth Chapel said, “Your closer to GOD now so that is why he blessed you with this baby; to show you that when you are closer to him, good things happen”.  Well, yes I am again super grateful that GOD took my baby and kept him from suffering but did I do something bad for him to have the defects? And then I think about someone talking about a woman who could only have one baby and they said, “Oh, Well GOD knew she couldn’t or shouldn’t handle more so that is why she only had one”. Am I that mommy, too?! Is this a test of faith? Did I fail at something with Haley or as a Christian? I am just so exhausted at trying to make sense of this.

I sound so ungrateful and that is definitely not the purpose or point of this.  I am truly blessed with a little girl, husband, parents, sisters, and extended family that are there for me in a way that is just amazing.  Haley is very blessed to have the family that we do so I know she will be taken care of, happy, and full of support as she grows up even as an only child.  I guess that ache and emptiness inside me right now is overflowing into every thought, idea, and cell inside of me.    

I hope that I have been able to express my gratitude and love for my Lord and family without sounding like a completely ungrateful, spoiled brat. I guess where I found out I was pregnant when MiMi was dying, I just knew that this baby was a way for me to get my mind off losing one of the most important people in my life and one of the most amazing individuals that ever walked this Earth.  I just felt that this baby was meant to be since I only had a ten percent chance of conceiving with the fertility drugs. I just knew that the only reason this baby as is every baby was coming was because of GOD’s love. I never really thought about losing the baby once we made it to the first trimester. That was the time to breathe a sigh of relief as I watched him flip, flop, and tumble around on the monitor with a strong, fast heartbeat two weeks before he died. I know this baby served his purpose and knows how much we all love him. I know that GOD took him to save him from hurt and pain.  He did serve his purpose as he brought so much joy and happiness to everyone and I loved feeling him inside me the weekend before he passed; that is a gift that I truly thank GOD for, too.

I think sometimes how amazing it would be to have another baby right now but I can not imagine how scared I would be the whole time and even afterwards.  I am trying not to manifest that fear on Haley but I am really afraid of losing her, too.  I am that worrying parent on a good day and try very hard not to put this psycho stuff on her.  This is where the Serenity Prayer comes into play in my daily thinking.

It is a parent’s worst nightmare to see your child suffer so I guess that the Lord really did help Jordan and my family by taking him quietly while in my womb where he was safe and warm.  This is another freaky but sort of touching thought……he came to life with GOD’s hand inside of me and he died and went to be the Lord while inside of me, too.  I guess I should feel incredibly humbled and privileged to have this incredible experience.

I guess I do really want another baby in a very amazing way and in an ideal situation, one would be brought by an angel, stork, or left on my doorstep.  I would love to adopt or just find out that I am expecting again and this time it work out.  This would all be amazing and I pray to GOD to help me deal with whatever my reality is and to give me another gift and help me be a good mommy regardless of my reality. I want Haley to have that sibling more than I want to be pregnant, but I want Haley to have a good mom more than I want to obsess about anything.

Reality has only half crept into my existence and thinking right now.  What is in there is extensively cruel and hurtful in a way that goes beyond physical words.  This scenarios takes me breathe away and makes me ache in a way that I didn’t know was possible and I do not wish on anyone.  I know some people may not see my hurt as substantial but I would never downplay anyone’s pain regardless of how far along they are or if they see the baby or whatever the situation is.  Once that baby is coming, your whole idea of who you are changes and your existence changes to blossom into a new unselfish world that is not about you anymore.  Parenting is hard work if you do it right and when you change your thinking and mold your existence around that only for it to be taken away, it is like spinning a top and you are the little balls inside of it.  When it stops and the ball stands still, what do you do?

Even more amazing than anything is how much support and love my whole family has shown me.  I know it was hard on Jay and everyone, too.  They have tried everything and been there for me non stop which really does comfort me more than anything.   I could never imagine downplaying their role in my successes in life and helping me to try to get through this situation.  Without them I do not think that I could breathe and would be lying on the floor trying to not just crawl but relearn putting my head up.  I just really want to bring home that baby and see them smile up at me and know that I am their mommy and I love them so much.  I guess in my case with Jordan it is the complete opposite. I will look up in the sky and hopefully he will smile down at me from heaven and know how much I love him.