jkthaley's Journal

The physical excruciating pain is subsiding but the mental and emotional numbness seems to bubble over into all of my thoughts and ideas. It is not I want to forget you or even really even move on, but I don’t feel like I feel anything or that anything is real. 

All of my questions are followed by recognition that they are unhealthy or not good for me, but never answers. 

I trust in my Lord and thank him for taking Jordan when and how he did. I know he is in our redeemer’s house and he is completely healthy and happy.  It isn’t that at all really. It is my selfish wish to get to raise him, to get to see how he learns, what his favorite color is (or if he is like his sister and it changes from moment to moment). I wanted to see his big smile as I smile at him and he realizes that I am his mommy, the one who will keep him safe……….which takes me back to my self loathing. I didn’t keep him safe.  I didn’t even though I tried my hardest……..it just wasn’t good enough.  People say, it’s not your fault. Well, okay great that does nothing to make me feel better in any way.  He was in my belly where I felt him move and imagined his life and all the major accomplishments we have celebrated with Haley.

            People say, oh well you have Haley just think of that…..well, okay. So I know and do not need reminded about how blessed I am to have her and to be her mommy, but the fact that my son is gone does not make me feel in better saying I have Haley. That is like telling someone whose dad has died that at least they have their mom.  I know people mean well but come on, please use your brain!  I do not think that I need reminded of my blessings and how lucky I am; it just makes me feel even more unworthy. I am trying to do everything I can when Haley is around to act like everything is fine but she is affected by all of this more than I want to admit.  She does not want to be away from me because of me being in the hospital and she understands more than people give her credit but not enough to make sense of it; actually I can not even make sense of it so I am trying to be there for her and help her through this time by being extra patient and compassionate. I would say I am spending more time with her but that it is not true because I am always trying to do fun things with her and make her know how loved she is.

            The worst is the unknown.  The known facts are that he is gone and in heaven and looking down at me wondering why I cry and feel guilty.  The unknown is why and if it is something I have done (not physically like doing drugs or not taking my prenatal pills) but something more substantial, deeper than that.  People told me he was coming because I was a good person and I know the Lord took him because he is an amazingly compassionate GOD but why was there something wrong with him? Will I ever get to have another baby; not to take his place in anyway, but to help heal a hole that I have in my heart that would show me it is isn’t my fault and I can have another blessing that is healthy and rotten as miss future Academy Award winner herself.  I feel that I need to hold a newborn and feel all the absolutely overwhelming responsibility and inadequacy that you feel when they place that baby in your arms.  I need that and want that so much it aches.  I want to feel the baby move inside me again.  I want to question the gender and think about how old they will be (with Haley) next year at this time and what their major accomplishments of the day may be like I did with Jordan.  I had let my guard down with Jordan after the first trimester and everything looked great. His heartbeat was strong and fast. I was told to relax and enjoy it; everything looked fine. I remember watching him flip and flop head to foot and side to side on the sonogram as he did not like the pressure; just like Haley. I reveled at the fact that he was really there inside me, growing after I had made peace with the idea of only having one child.  That was so hard to do and I was there. I had made peace with that idea and then GOD gave me this amazing miracle in a time when I needed something positive…….I thought this must be meant to be…..why else would GOD bring this baby into our lives but to show us how life ends and life begins in this magic twister roller coaster called life.  He must have given me this baby because he knew how hard losing MiMi was.  I know that Jordan absolutely gave me peace and happiness beyond belief for four months and I am not meaning to question GOD as bad as it sounds like I am.  I again thank the Lord for all of my blessings and for both my children and for taking Jordan home. I just am having problems coming to grips with it all.  Will he not give me another child? That is really the unknown that hurts so bad. Not that if angel came today and said you will have another child, I would be okay with Jordan’s death and be skipping down the road, but it would help me to heal and feel like there was going to be something to look forward to although that also sounds silly because I know there is good to come in life and with Haley.