Journal

My daughter and I were just in the barn going about our everyday life when all of a sudden a loud and hard thunderstorm hit.  I tried to miss its wrath by hurrying and getting in the house, but no such luck.  I was trying so hard to keep Haley calm and dry while I got soaked.  My umbrella literally snapped and is broken; it is now not a J shape but more of a U as Haley put it.  However, I got her out of the car and got her umbrella and had her run to safety while I shut the door, the gate, and ran in the cold gushes that were somehow not coming down up and down, but side to side.  When we got into the house, Haley said, “Mommy, I am dry. Thank you.” and the proceeded to laugh at me and my soaked appearance. Sometimes we can not miss the thunderstorms of our lives as hard as we try.  You can be cautious and try to plan, but they are going to happen. My aunt said the news said it wasn’t supposed to storm until the afternoon, but it had hit much earlier and very hard. We all have thunderstorms going on in our lives, as well.  From time to time, it may be hard to see the rainbow and sun, but trying to find the silver lining in our storm clouds can make things easier. 

It made me really think about life and my relationship with my Lord as it has been something that has been on my mind as I have felt like I am in the middle of a scary thunderstorm for quite some time.  The Lord is there keeping me safe as I try my darndest with Haley to keep her safe and dry, but honestly someday, even when I am there, she is going to get wet. I think as a parent, we all want our children to stay dry and do not want them to ever be afraid although we all know they will someday face dark clouds someday.  One of the hardest parts of going through my storm is knowing that I could not keep my son safe in me or take care of him while he was with me for the short period of time while that was my job and that my body may have actually caused his demise.  However, I know that the Lord wiped away his tears and he is safe beyond what I can imagine and feels warm and comfortable in a way that my mind can not wrap around.  He is living in the rainbow, wrapped in beauty with my MiMi, PapaJoe, grandma, and Pappaw, as well as Jay’s mom and brothers John and Paul.  He will never have to feel the rain or heart the thunder in life’s trials. 

Sometimes when storms hit, HE may have to let me get sprinkled on or even sometimes soaked to the bone because of my choices and the way our lives go, but HE is always there, unlike my umbrella, to dry me off and comfort me.  I may sometimes feel like I should run and hide or jump with fright when the thunder rolls, but he is there with me telling me it will be alright and no matter how much rain or lightning happens, he is there with me keeping me safe.  I don’t know why we all feel afraid or maybe we just don’t like to go through the discomfort of the storm itself.  When we think that a storm is coming, we worry even though the Bible tells us we should not worry, but put faith upon his name.  Of course, I tell Haley that I am here and everything is okay and she is still afraid of the storm.  All of this thinking and symbolism from one little storm….

It also made me think of that umbrella that I was relying on heavily to keep me as dry as possible before I got the porch.  Sometimes people we think we can rely on or even material things we feel comfortable with in our life let us down or break.  It is just the way the umbrella is made, too.  However, we should always remember to no let it affect our thinking. I will buy another umbrella even though that one broke and I will trust people even though they have let me down or not been as strong for me as I thought they should be in my storm. 

Okay, so we are trying to get pregnant, but I don't want to obsess about it or let it get between my faith in the Lord or anything like that. I was told before I was able to get pregnant with my son, who I lost on April 15, that my three year old would most likely be an only child unless I went through extensive procedures including IVF or adopt.  My husband and I really prayed about IVF and decided that it would be selfish of us to do that when we could spend 15 grand on our child that the Lord had given us at least at that moment.  Our financial standings was not really enough for us to go through with that and me be a stay at home mom.  We have always wanted to foster and adopt but when Haley gets older and we have more time and energy to help the kdis that may have special needs or situations. Anyway, I getting off on another story.  We took Glucophage, but my doctor was afraid if I took Clomid, I could have high risk of ectopic pregnancy at the time and didn't think it would be a good idea. I had made peace with all of this and actually stopped taking the meds in November and got pregnant in December.  When I found out I was pregnant, I was losing my MiMi who was one of the most wonderful women GOD put on this planet. I had such great grandparents; all four; and am so blessed overall that I feel bad complaining or even praying for myself. I found out that the pregnancy was okay the day my MiMi went into a coma.  I feel like GOD gave me this baby bc I needed something positive and good news at a time when I was losing something so important to my family. 

Anyway, we are going to start on Clomid and Glucophage in July after three cycles when my doctor shall prescribe anything. I have also started using an ovulation monitor kit thing and am hoping that I am ovulating every month and my ovaries are working.  I just don't know what to think or do anymore; there is such conflicting information about everythign from diet, sex strategies, how to get pregnant, ways ot increase chances, etc. but there are no clear answers or solutions. I have endo, PCOC, scar tissue, history of dermoid and fibroid tumors, abrasions, and the last surgery I had left my fallopian tubes not connected to my ovaries and the one that is close is not up and down, but goes side to side.  My one ovary is shriveled but they think it may have started working so who knows.  The only thing I know is that I am trying to know that GOD knows best and I have to accept and love what I have been given and try not to question or get upset because that is not the person I want to be or the life I want to lead. I have an amazing husband and three year old daughter who needs me to be a good mother and wife and that is what I am trying to do while hoping it is GOD's will to let me have a healthy baby very soon.  I am so overwhelmed at this point and feel like the world is still spinning although I can see some objects around me.  Sorry for rambling. Hope everyone who reads this has a great day and all their dreams and prayers come true.  GOD bless

I feel so different from minute to minute, but the Lord has provided me with some peace and I feel somehow freer when I breathe from time to time. I work with gifted students sometimes and they brightened my day today by making me all kinds of cards while I was gone saying what a great mom they know I am and how really nice I am to them and everyone around them all the time. It makes me feel good to know and I shared my faith with them (after it is brought up by a student it is okay to talk about as long as you are not persuading them or their grade is based on it). I hope that they see that the Lord really can help us get through very terrible experiences and as sad as I am and sometimes feel like I am going to fall over or am not worthy, life goes on.

My husband and I went to the alter yesterday at church (we are both really Methodist but atttend and love our Baptist church so the alter thing is new and different as we just basicaly used it for communion at the church we went to for years) and everyone prayed with us for peace. We both cried and prayed together and then came out of it feeling stronger. We both feel that GOD will give us another baby and want to try again right now.  I feel that it is what GOD is telling me but then  I scare myself and wonder if I am setting myself up to be hurt worse than before?!!? I am trying hard to give my burdens to the Lord and asking him that his will be done (which I selfishly hope is for a healthy baby soon!).

I am so blessed to have my daughter and she is healthy and happy along with my family and I know that............I feel guilty for having this deep desire and for "feeling sorry for myself" which  Ireally don't think is even the right way to describe how or what I feel. 

There were over ten pregnant teens at the school I was at today and I notice every baby bump and little one when I am out in public.  Iguess that it is normal, but I do not want to be that woman who obsesses or whatever. 

If you are reading this, any insights, opinions, comments are welcome and prayer is especially nice.  I know my Lord is in control and answers prayers so this is very comforting in this awful time.