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AnneMB 
4:05pm, October 13, 2009
It' s done. Despite our reconciliation efforts, despite all the sweet things he's done for me, and I for him, and him asking if I ever saw him moving back in just two and a half weeks ago...we had a disagreement two weeks ago that led to a lot of soul searching on both our parts. I love him more than anyone else, ever, he's the only man I've ever wanted, but he wants other things. Things that he'll never do, probably. He told me that he has a lot of life to live still, and although he knows that if he went bungee-jumping I would be there taking pictures and cheering him on, he wants someone who will actually jump with him. Never mind that he has said this after his first affair, over two years ago, and has yet to actually follow through on any grand plans he claims he's going to do. Never mind that he tells me what a gem I am, how wonderful I am. Never mind that without me he has no insurance to pay for all his cancer care. I hope he can find some woman who will put up with his crap, who will give him backrubs every night for the next 10 years, who will do HALF of the things I have done for him. I have nothing left. I miss him; I really thought things were going well between us. But he stops "talking" to me; he admits he doesn't know why he can't talk to me. I''m not hard to talk to..I love conversation.
I feel so lost. I heard somewhere recently that anger is love disappointed - and it fits. I go from being angry to being devestated in the span of a second. I just want it over with. One moment I never want to see him again, the next moment I can't stand the idea of never seeing him again. I think he felt the same way (we decided all this this past Saturday night) because I was upset and talking about hiding him on Facebook because I don't want to see the next parade of women lining up to "comfort" him, and he was saying that he doesn't want to lose contact with my sons. Which I find strange, because it's not like he ever took them anywhere or did anything with them. And he asked if I thought I'd lose contact with his son. Honestly, I told him I thought I would. J's hopefully going into the Army; I don't know how much contact he'll want with his stepmom.
I wanted to be there for Marc, in case his cancer gets bad. Who will be there now for him? I know in my head that it's not my problem anymore - I have been working hard on this marriage, so it's failing is not my fault - but my heart still belongs to him.
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Past Entries
| July 2009 |
Tuesday, 7/21
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Wednesday, 7/08
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June 2009 |
Tuesday, 6/30
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Sunday, 6/28
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May 2009 |
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Friday, 5/29
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Sunday, 5/17
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Monday, 5/04
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Hi my dear friend, I wish I could find the right words for you but I dont know of any that is going to make this easier, I felt so sorry for you when I read your journal after all the things you have gone through and now this. But you know something you have the same sense of humour as me and you will come through this with dignity and humility. I can not imagine the sense of loss, but it is hard with the cancer thing going on, you need to remind yourself that he needs to take the responsibility for himself and his illness, I feel I am just rambling now but I want you to know that I am thinking of you, wish we could have a coffee. ha ha ha. lots of hugs and love Anne (friend from down under)
annyb
Thanks, Anne. ONe minute I'm fine, the next I'm not. I can't hate him. I feel more exasperated than anything else. He's so confused in his own mind - I just don't feel that he's a bad guy. It's so sad, you know? He had a wife who adored him, and even he says that should be enough. But I still have nagging feelings that it would only be a matter of time before he met "someone" new, and I am not the kind of woman who will look the other way. If he wants to relive his high school years (or, as I see it, be the really popular guy he never was in high school) he can do it alone. I really don't see him being out of my life, honestly. I think he'll be lost without me. Right now I am having a good moment, feeling strong. I deserve to be loved as much as I love someone, and with us I have always adored him, but he didn't love me as much. I do think that he loves me as much as he possibly can, but I don't think he's capable of deep love for anyone else.
How is Hank? How are you? How is your son? Is Torisel helping at all? I'v ethought of you so much recently. I hope you're okay.
Annie
AnneMB
Friday is the day we find out if Torisel has done anygood if it hasnt they are talking of stopping treatment. I am soo fearful of friday because if news is not good the reality and devastation is going to be unbearable I am praying for a miracle of sorts. I think of you often as well if you dont use this website much anymore you can email me on anne.budel@bigpond.com anytime and I will reply. Hopefully I will hear from you soon, maybe I will have some good news for you. keep your chin up LOL Anne
annyb