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serenitysun 
Gosh what a morning...so very little energy....Lawd....Powerful realizations....
I have spent days tinkering around the house...Everything in such complete order....Spic and Span...I didn't even realize how much I have done these past days....the hours just seemed to melt into days....As I stop and see what I have accomplished the very real symbolic picture I see is ORDER....I realize that as I was tinkering....it was my own feelings, emotions and thoughts I was trying so hard to get in order....I have had an awful lot to take in these past days...huge decisions to make....(nothing ever written in stone though *smiles*) Internally I think I felt overwelmed...A bit frightend by what seemed choas inside of feelings and thoughts....Way too much....overload....My first reaction after the consult....was put things in order...be sure everything is in order...The need filled me....and slowly my process began...
As I walked to the kitchen this morning to make my coffee...the symbolism really hit me with full clarity....Everything seemed to stop and tears started....just tears slowly dropping as I sipped my coffee....How can all of this be happening now as I am working so very hard to rebuild my life...These past 8 months just sort of slowly replayed themselves in my mind....From the moment I rented this little house for myself and my son...up until the very moment.....Each and every moment led to another....some filled with smiles some with tears but all making so much sense....All leading to this very day.....Amazing....Not in a bad way but truly amazing....
I have one last thing to take care of and put into order...How strange that all sounds to me and yet so totally true...It makes me sad somehow....and I have been procrastinating in my desire to get it done...It almost seems as if I complete this last task....I also close another chapter in my journey...What is that about??...Then what....all of this becomes real and all that truly matters....all that is truly important is in place....and this all becomes REAL....So silly and yet that is exactly how I feel....
Sad not overwelming anymore....Just a bit meloncholy...I think the stop moment started happening Thursday....as my son gave me the mail....You see....I received a letter from the state....Seems I have been approved for hospice care....I am to call and set up an appointment with a Nurse who will manage my care along with my Docs....Hummmm....In that moment I didn't want to think much about it....Still don't really but I know I have to....Its time to get this all in place for the future....In many ways its a good thing...I told my boys that with this it takes an awful lot off of yall and gives me time to make sure things are going to be as I want and need them to be in the future..Not a bad thing for sure....
The important thing I must remind myself of is that in no way does any of this mean I am giving up or into this....It just means I am being responsible and planning ahead....Making ding dang sure that things are in order so my children will not have to deal with a mess on top of whatever my health may bring one day....
I am not done....I am still feeling pretty good all things considered and I am still laughing, loving and sharing life with everyone I care about...In 3d life as well as here online....That makes me smile...Just another level of my new normal is all....and its just all okay....
I really do not want to go to the cardiologist this coming week....I want to get it over with but I do not want to hear there are yet more challenges....I truly want them to leave me be for awhile....No matter what this next step may or may not unfold....I know when I am in trouble....I know how I feel...I live less then 5 minutes from the hospital...and outside of a monthly with my specialist I truly want to just be and see how things go....I know myself so very well....I am much better when left to my own devises....lol....I know what I need better then anyone....I believe I can beat the odds....I truly do but I have to do it my way....with a bit of help from my docs....So be it....This time I will stick to my guns.....Its time.....and its MY TIME.....I'M TAKING IT AND FIXIN TO MAKE IT THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE.....Amen!!!
Taking it all....One step, one day, one moment, one breath at a time and they all count.....Gosh I feel a whole lot better now that I got this all out....Its going to be a good day....*smiles*
Hugs to All....
Love and Blessings, Serenity
Comments
Bless you, Serenity! This is such a beautiful journal. Thank you so much for sharing this part of your journey with us. And I'm glad you are approved for hospice. That will help you make the next part of your journey just the way you want it. Be sure to tell your cardiologist how you FEEL. He is, after all, a heart doctor. Try to relax and have a little fun this weekend. Love & hugs, Sue
Sue825
Strange how sad it is to watch another describe one's own feelings....and yet we have little sadness for ourselves. One of the graces of the universe is to know and understand our 3D choice and intent. Calm and positive is a good energy. Love and light, OhanaMarie
Ohana
Isn't it funny how good we feel when our "nest" is in order? Cleaning does distract the mind and later, the clean house gives a sense of comfort.
Having the hospice nurse contact you... I can't imagine how that felt. I bet it would be a bit shocking in many ways and almost seem like the "expiration sticker" had been place on you.
All I can add is some experience. I worked many years with people ( including my mom)who were given "expiration dates" by the medical folks and also placed on hospice. Only a minority ever "met" their date( and most of those were the ones the Drs. waited way too long to activate this service)
The current goal is to have physicians refer patients to this service early, providing support , supplies and services to enhance the quality and comfort of their life at this point. You have always sounded like you have had some excellent physicians, so they are using every resource to make your life comfortable and supported and letting you have some time to just enjoy family instead of always having to need them.
Even Medicare recognizes this and has it built in that hospice care is renewable every 6 months, patients also be taken on and off hospice. All because NO ONE KNOWS .
Your an awesome lady with a wonderful outlook, lots of love and a caring/sharing personality.
Use the hospice services to make days easier ( they even can get some equipment for your home like a bath lift, adjustable bed ,etc. if you don't already have one) lots of good can come from this referral and best of all think of the grins you'll get when you pass your " sell by " date! Like many things you already have overcome in life... take it as a challenge and laugh in their faces when you win!
I believe in you
Love and hugs
Lisa
ldozy1
..............
I have no words, and feel at a total loss to reply to your wonderful journal. Please just know that you are loved, respected and appreciated...
mel1959
Serenity you have tought me alot. Don't ever give up keep fighting. Thank-you so very much for sharing your experiences with us. Hugs Stacy
stacy6179
I am truly touched by your journal entry. Your strength is amazing!! I was breathless after reading it. You have an excellent writing style. As a nurse I can empathize with you. I agree that you should let your doctor know how you feel about being poked and prodded all the time. If you're interested in natural healing, talk to your doctor about that also. Some are more open to it now. I believe that our bodies respond to natural remedies, hardly any known side affects. With synthethic medications we have more chances of and more side affects. Then all we do is take something else to combat the side affects. Silly isn't it? Getting in touch with all 5 elements will help balance you as a whole. I am with you here if you ever have any questions. Keep smiling, each morning is beautiful. It just means we are one day closer to healing our mind, body & soul.
purplepussycat
Hey girlfriend. You've gone and done it now. I'm speechless.
That was a very powerful journal entry. You have so much courage.
You are the air beneath my wings, for sure.
Love ya, Laurie
LaurieD55
Oh Serenity you are so blessed ... my little sister also has MS and I broke down the other day when I was talking to her 3,000 miles away. She so much loved her job - she was a great at her job gave 100 per cent... never wanted to go on disability.....and my heart breaks for her. Why oh why ... she is only in her very early 50's. She is so talented...........I only wish I knew why the dice get stacked the way they do.
I am so much praying for a cure for MS......there has got to be a cure on the horizon... so many very good people have been limited by MS when they have so much to give.
Serenity - Love you........Hugs, Julie
Julie2009