tbellagirl's Journal

 I took my daughter to ucsf and yes she will have surgery in july on her eye... again. She is such a brave and sweet soul. I find myself missing her dad and cant even figure out why... Its not like he was loving or kind to me, we were n't even friends anymore...

so what i am wondering is can there just be too much water under the bridge to ever go back to what it was you wanted in the first place?like a companion, lover, friend, white pickett fence.... I catch myself missing him and then when I really think about it mayb I dont miss him at all but just what I thought it would be.

We had so much damage in such a short time...  Our dtr was diagnosed with a chromosome deletion, spina bifida, developmental delay and the list goes on. The many specialist that go with that as well as the financial strain, heartache etc. then when the geneticists said we had no predisposition for it to happen again "it was a fluke".... we had our youngest dtr and she passed away from a similar issue, then it seemed like he just couldnt cope. everything went crazy. He was drinking and women and we were so lost in it all. I was so lost. Grieving your child is indescribable.Then I got diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.... Sometimes I just miss my life. My home and having a husband. Someone to be there. 

I don't want to sound like I feel sorry for myself. Most days are good, I see my blessing esp. with my dtr. Wish I could just let go like he did and not feel this ache in my heart.