Journal

  Today has been a very hard and painful day. The last few weeks I have been very sad and filled with anxiety and pain. I keep thinking of all the things that have happened and how lost i am. It is like a great weight that physically lies in my chest. I think since my daughter died in August alot of things are coming up now.... also it was God s great blessing to not allow me to be aware of all the things my husband was doing. Like my brain didnt allow me to see it all when it was happening... like i and /or God knew it was more then I could take.... Now I am feeling it. The Lies are incredible... I am having to accept that he was lying from the beginning... 12 years of my life and it has all been one lie after another. one betrayal after another. One loss after another. I looked up sociopath and the definition fits him to a tee. No guilt, remorse, intimacy, responsibility, empathy..... Mayb it sounds weird but it just seems to describe him. How he could just leave me and the kids 3 days after Isabella was buried, be with other women, lie to my face even when he didnt have to... swear on our other disabled daughters life... after burying one child already. God so many things,I cant even write them all down. I am so lost. I feel like the 12 years of my life have all been unreal, a lie. What is real what isnt...

Today, I found out through a very trusted person that this "christian" man I married was doing drugs and alcohol, even before we met and continued throughout our life.... How could I not know? Where was I?  I knew of the alcohol after many years after we split up but .... How could I be so blind. How do I trust my own self, my own jusdgement after all this? All the years I spent questioning what was wrong with me? why couldnt he love me? What was I doing wrong?desintagrating in front of my own self and my family, and him happy to allow me to feel it was all me... I was crazy... when I knew something to be true and then he took some truth and lotsa lie and twisted it all up and somehow I was crazy,,, I was wrong. well, here I am heartbroken, soul broken,lonely, missing my babygirl, hanging on to God to get thrugh the day. and yes I will get through b/c I have my other little daughter.... and she is my truth.

well my little girls eye surgery is done.... It as always , is hard to see her in pain. She is so brave and so strong just watching her makes my heart ache at what an amazing person she is. for a couple of weeks She has to sleep sitting up and cant bend down... cant see the tv or the computer or books... and still she smiles and fills the house with her joyfulness!! If I sound like I am gushing ...I am. I was happy that her dad went to the surgery and was there for her. Its so bittersweet ... being there like a family and leaving not as a family. She deserves so much more. Its hard on my heart being around him ... some weird mixture of love and anger and disapointment... that leaves me sad inside.

The heat is unkind to my M.S. so thats always a lingering issue I try to avoid, but somehow it ends up demanding my attention!! but overall I am healthy as can be expected and she is on the mend!! Can't ask for more then that....