Journal

I am gaining weight due to my meds
My husband might have thyroid cancer
My husband is on the brink of leaving me

He says I don't smile enough and he has even screamed with his face touched against mine and backed me into a corner because of not smiling and he didn't like "my tone" when I wasn't aware I had one.

I love him and imagine life without him but I can't take the constant yelling. I'm the bipolar one but he's gone off the deep end. he tells me I just need to recognize that he has a short fuze and treat him like a baby and smother him with hugs and kisses so that he doesn't go off. I told him that that is not right and that he needs to figure out his problem cuz I'm not going to live on egg shells. that didn't go over well. he keeps saying he's so close to hitting me and that he is going to soon.

I can't give up on us I JUST CAN'T but I'm so tired of all of this! The shitty thing is that I know that he would end up with our 18m old son because I've been hospitalized for being suicidal and I'm a basketcase with Fibromyalgia, but he can't handle him without me. He gets frustrated and angry with him and has no patience. I don't think he'd ever hurt him though.

I don't know how to feel, what to do, or what to say! I don't want to leave, but I don't know how much I can take. I'm going to talk to my therapist on thursday. Maybe she can help me. I don't want to turn her against him though because sometimes we see her together. I'm stuck! I don't know what to do! I've been feeling really low anyway and none of this is helping. I keep feeling darker and darker. I feel so lost!

I have had to borrow money to feed my son let alone myself & my husband. My fibromyalgia & bipolar disorder have made it impossible to work and we can't make it on my hubby's salary alone.

My car was already repossesd a couple months ago and my grandma loaned us the cash to out right buy a Plymouth Neon. That's right, it's from before Neon became a Dodge vehicle! But the owners kept it in great condition so we got lucky. Now my hubby's SUV is about to be taken, but we don't have any way of getting a new vehicle this time.  My hubby makes too much for public assistance but not enough to live off of.

Then on top of that, my husband has developed an anxiety disorder just like i have where you have panic attacks for no reason that can last for days. We are both extremly moody because of the distress because of our disorders (we are both bipolar, have an anxiety disorder, and etc). We've never fought so much in our 6 years and 7 months of marrige or the erntire time we've known each other fir that matter. I  fear this won't end well and I know he would get our son because I'm jobless, disabled, and recently spent time in a psych ward for being suicidal. They think I was crazy then, just watch what I do when they take my son away from me. My husband talks about leaving all the time. I can't imagine anyone but him putting up with me.

I can't imagine life without Shaun (Hubby) and Nolan (son), but sometimes I think it would be a good idea. I don't know ...