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lovely1fmct 
7:14pm, July 30, 2009
I feel like I have no control of anything. Like no one can look into my eyes and see I want to disappear into another time another place and start over. I’ve been here before; these cold lonely, confused, and scared feelings are too much to carry around. I want it to go away. I want to be happy, but I don’t know what that is. I’ve had lots of happy times but I cannot remember ever going through a week without crying. Am I a sucker? Do I need to grow up? Is this just my life and I just had to live with it?
I was such a bad child that I always thought that all I was going through was like a punishment. Like if I were 15 year old a boy and made a bad decision like robbed a store or sold drugs or beat up someone bad. I would have gone to jail, served my time and started my life over. That’s not my story, I was a 15 year old girl who hug with the wrong people, did the wrong things, had a baby. I thought that if I did the best job I could, followed all the rules, never lied, never cheated. That would somewhat be my punishment.
But how long will this last; I’m giving all I got inside and out. My oldest is 11, if you think about it oh, that’s nothing but to me that’s my everything. I say to myself, when I’m 36 years old my kids will be grown. Then I think, so what, that means nothing unless I want them to be like me and struggle and not go to college. So now the marker is 42, that’s 27 years of my life that I will need to sacrifice for my children just to try to prevent them turning out like me. Is that selfish to think that way? Is it fair that their father gets to play house and be a stay at home dad with another grown woman. A woman he should have met or been looking for before he stalked me as if he was a lion and I was a fresh piece of meat. He was 30 years old, I was 15, and I’m almost his age now. I can’t imagine finding a boy that age knowing how the world is and how hard life can be and rob him of his future like my kids father did to me. Not only that but the abuse, every kind there is for six years I lived with it. I never told anyone but he is the reason why I have so many health problems, drove me crazy, he damaged my ear drums by smacking me around. He hurt my knees by thronging me around and dragging me. He kicked me, punched me, smacked me, and pushed me down the stairs. That’s what started my lower back problems.
Yes, I shouldn’t have stayed with him, but I did until I realized I could change my life, and have a life without him. I was 21 when I left him with 2 babies and that’s when I had my first back surgery. That was the turning point for me. I was able to stay away from him create a plan for us and complete it. I got a job, built my credit, found the love of my life, bought my house with no help. I never looked back, my kids spend lots of time with him, and they adore him. It’s embarrassing to say he has 14 kids, his oldest is 14 and my daughters are in the middle of them all. His girlfriend now has 3 by him, and raises his oldest son and she is great with my kids. If it wasn’t for her they wouldn’t have spent the best years of their lives with him. She works and he keeps the kids, I hope it lasts. Sucks for me, no consistent child support but whatever, one day he will pay.
This kind of stuff gets to me every now and again. I think if I never met him my life would have been what I wanted it to be not what I was forced to be. Even now after all my hard work, doing my best as a mom, keeping a clean safe warm home. I’m still affected by him, I fell and hurt my back after all these years and my great credit it shot, my kids are unhappy, my wedding was and family vacation canceled, I’m two months late on all my bills. To make matters worse I will have to return to work in a few weeks and I don’t feel ready and I have no were for the kids to go during the day and can’t afford to pay for daycare. That means I will ask their father to keep them, yea he’ll do it but not consistently and without problems and complaints. I only think he keeps up with my kids and not the other kids because he feels guilty for what he did to me. We never really talked about it, just pretended like it never happened and now he knows I have no fear of him so he will never try to hurt me again. We have a hi, by, what time relationship and that’s perfect for me. I’m done typing until next time, big hugs, Lovely
Comments
Hey sweetie, I know this is a lately entery but I really do know what your going thru. I'm losing my mind my self but you have came a long way to have gone thru that and you able to talk about it now, that great God was with you and still is, so trust in God alway. Here is my stories, I woke up on day in pain could barely get out of bed and had to have my husband help me dress for work. Thank God that I was on first shift becuase I could not even drive, and my job consist of a lot of walking which made my pain get worser. The pain got so bad in my leg and back til I had to get a wheel chair and could not walk, even to the rest room. I had to be rolled to the toilet then pull myself up to use it, I did get any sleep at all they had my on all type of pain pills that was not working on my nerve pain and did not help me sleep. But to top all this off I finally went to the dr he had me repaetly come back until he sent me for my MRI, then I was sent tot a nuero surg and he said that only surgery was my options. Me and my husband was both working him making $14.50 and me making $15.10 an hr. Well I spoke to my husband and said baby I have kept it down for so long this time I'm going to need you, I told him I will get my short term disability to help out with our bills but I need him to work as much ot as possible. Well he has child support coming out of his checks that already was a damper on me being the bread winner of the family. I told him that I had your back so many time in the 9yrs that we have been together this one time I need you to get mine this time. Well he starting complaining about his back to me even starting missing work, well his work had already gsve him days off for me. He would come home early, saying that he told them that I was home alone and some days I was. It got to be more regular for him on staying home. He came with one lie after another, He even left like he was going to work and stay gone all day till time to come home. He told me once when he came home that they had a water break and he was sent home. Well one day his boss called and when I asked the boss he changed the subject becuase he didnt want to tell me that my husband had been saying he was off for medical reason but could not produce dr notes. Well you know where I'm going he got fire and when they cashed out all his vacation and pto they took it to pay for his insurance that he owed to the company. Well Its now a year later and he is still not working or drawing unemployment which got denied. We move in with my daughter and her three children and he wont do anything, he won't find a job he just won't do anything. He and I both smoke but that does not bother him that we can afford to buy our own then he get upset when my daughter dont buy him a apple black. My sdtory could be longer but I can go on but I sure you could read between the line a little. He don't like asking his family for anything but also expect mine to do everything. He just sit around on the computer or a game system and do nothing all day. He barely take out the trash or do anything in the house my daughter works pays all the bills and he dont lift a finger. I'm a christian women and try to stay in church, the reason I'm saying that is becuase I'm ready for a divorce and I know that wrong I tried praying about it an nothing has change. I applied for my disability in Jan, and I'm still waiting. We have a truck that I got becuase his car got stolen after we got married on 2007, so that we both could have transportation. I worked night normally, and he worked days so both cars were needed. He didnt even think even of me to get a job to keep or nice truck. It hurt me to say that trying to live by the bible has so me a good deal of disbelief. I had to use all my resources so that we could sometimes have something. He get upset when I do have income I try to help my daughter however I can. I tell him that you can live no where for free. I have been so stressed out more about my personal situation then my back, I said that I have to be in pain every day and can resume my own life back, but what more sadier is that I have a husband in perfectly good health and can't count on him at all. I ask him how can you say you love me but you can even see that we have a little something. I have nothing I lost everything and I'm trying to keep up the faith that God will take care of him but it make you not have any respect or love for someone like that. I talk to some of my church family for encouragment it dont help a lot. Now I'm my be looking to have a second surgery and I feel that I will be left a alone, he did not cook for me, he basically did not do anything but help me out of bed and take my walks. It hard to take about this thing with him it one side to there is alway some type of excuse. I really know in my heart what I want to do but that not suppose to be the right thing. I told my daughter that once I do get my disablility it will probably be the end of this relationship, because I'm getting ready to get brand new, and remember how he made me go without. well I'm very glad that I could vent to you. Please look at you situation as a blessing becuase I'm still living mine and you have the breath to talk about yours. Yours was way more deeper but you could of been very badly messed up or even dead so stay strong and hugs/prayer to you. mscartla
mscarla