Journal

I feel like I have no control of anything. Like no one can look into my eyes and see I want to disappear into another time another place and start over. I’ve been here before; these cold lonely, confused, and scared feelings are too much to carry around. I want it to go away. I want to be happy, but I don’t know what that is. I’ve had lots of happy times but I cannot remember ever going through a week without crying. Am I a sucker? Do I need to grow up? Is this just my life and I just had to live with it?

I was such a bad child that I always thought that all I was going through was like a punishment. Like if I were 15 year old a boy and made a bad decision like robbed a store or sold drugs or beat up someone bad. I would have gone to jail, served my time and started my life over. That’s not my story, I was a 15 year old girl who hug with the wrong people, did the wrong things, had a baby. I thought that if I did the best job I could, followed all the rules, never lied, never cheated. That would somewhat be my punishment.

But how long will this last; I’m giving all I got inside and out. My oldest is 11, if you think about it oh, that’s nothing but to me that’s my everything. I say to myself, when I’m 36 years old my kids will be grown. Then I think, so what, that means nothing unless I want them to be like me and struggle and not go to college. So now the marker is 42, that’s 27 years of my life that I will need to sacrifice for my children just to try to prevent them turning out like me. Is that selfish to think that way? Is it fair that their father gets to play house and be a stay at home dad with another grown woman. A woman he should have met or been looking for before he stalked me as if he was a lion and I was a fresh piece of meat. He was 30 years old, I was 15, and I’m almost his age now. I can’t imagine finding a boy that age knowing how the world is and how hard life can be and rob him of his future like my kids father did to me. Not only that but the abuse, every kind there is for six years I lived with it. I never told anyone but he is the reason why I have so many health problems, drove me crazy, he damaged my ear drums by smacking me around. He hurt my knees by thronging me around and dragging me. He kicked me, punched me, smacked me, and pushed me down the stairs. That’s what started my lower back problems.

Yes, I shouldn’t have stayed with him, but I did until I realized I could change my life, and have a life without him. I was 21 when I left him with 2 babies and that’s when I had my first back surgery. That was the turning point for me. I was able to stay away from him create a plan for us and complete it. I got a job, built my credit, found the love of my life, bought my house with no help. I never looked back, my kids spend lots of time with him, and they adore him. It’s embarrassing to say he has 14 kids, his oldest is 14 and my daughters are in the middle of them all. His girlfriend now has 3 by him, and raises his oldest son and she is great with my kids. If it wasn’t for her they wouldn’t have spent the best years of their lives with him. She works and he keeps the kids, I hope it lasts. Sucks for me, no consistent child support but whatever, one day he will pay.

This kind of stuff gets to me every now and again. I think if I never met him my life would have been what I wanted it to be not what I was forced to be. Even now after all my hard work, doing my best as a mom, keeping a clean safe warm home. I’m still affected by him, I fell and hurt my back after all these years and my great credit it shot, my kids are unhappy, my wedding was and family vacation canceled, I’m two months late on all my bills. To make matters worse I will have to return to work in a few weeks and I don’t feel ready and I have no were for the kids to go during the day and can’t afford to pay for daycare. That means I will ask their father to keep them, yea he’ll do it but not consistently and without problems and complaints. I only think he keeps up with my kids and not the other kids because he feels guilty for what he did to me. We never really talked about it, just pretended like it never happened and now he knows I have no fear of him so he will never try to hurt me again. We have a hi, by, what time relationship and that’s perfect for me. I’m done typing until next time, big hugs, Lovely

Well I had the surgery Wednesday, it went well. I didn't need the fusion this time.  He removed most of the L3-L4 disk. He said L4-L5 disk didn't look to good since the last surgery but he wanted to leave it alone and see how I feel for the next 6-8 months.  If I'm not 90% better with the back pain then he will do the double fusion.  He said I will have a lot of relief and have no sciatic pain down my legs for now on.  I’m not going back unless I’m totally disabled and I can't walk lol.

This hurts so bad, it feel like a bomb blew up on my back. I had a few complications when I was in the recovery room I still don’t know what was wrong, they said I was in there for over 3 hours, maybe they couldn’t wake me up .  After that I had to stay in the hospital 3 extra days because I couldn't pee or poop. I don't know why it just wouldn't work. It’s working now, they kept making me go the bathroom to try and when nothing happened they made me lay on my back (OMG the worst pain in the world), they used temporary catheters and no one could get it in after like three or more tries with three different nurses and flash lights.  They had me jacked up like I was having a baby.  This went on every 3 hour for 2 days.  I had to cry and beg them to put a permanent catheter in so I could rest and it could heal, that was sore too.    

My whole body hurts; I asked the surgeon if they dropped me off the table. Lol.  I have bruises all over.  My vein in my hand with the IV collapsed and no one knew.   I knew some meds burn when it goes in but that felt like they were squirting acid into it.  By the 2nd day one nurse saw it hurt me so bad so compared both of my hands and it was so swollen I couldn’t even make a fist.  She put another line in my other hand.   I said no wonder my pain wasn’t going away with the meds in my IV it was all under my skin.   The last time I had surgery I had a self controlled morphine drip, I don’t know why I didn’t have it this time. 

The next day I was able to hold down most of my food so they gave me pain pills, I never asked what they were I just took it.  The doctors said I needed to walk around and work with a therapist.  I tried my hardest but it hurt so bad, I cried so much because of the pain.  Then I asked what kind of med I was on, she said 500mg Vicodin every 3 hours.  I had a shit fit.  That’s the same amount of medication I was taking before my surgery, how the hell is that going to help me after the surgery.  I requested to speak to management about all that happened and then things got better. 

Until the last night, I finally was able to urinate but not poop.  They gave me oral laxatives the whole time but it didn’t work because I vomited most of it up every time.  Then they gave me an enema it worked but after all I went through I started having chest pains, they had to rush me to the ER.  I was so scared and hurt; they had no consideration that I had a freaking hole in my back from major back surgery.  They slammed me on the stretcher and went through their procedures, it ended up not being serious but it was a horrible thing to go through. 

I’m so glad to be home, it’s hard to get around, wash up and get dressed, but I have a lot of help and I’m at peace in my own house.  Until next time; big hugs, Lovely.

Well this is it, time to have surgery again.  I'm so ready to feel better, I know its going to hurt, be long and hard, but after this I'll be a pro.  lol  The best thing about it all is that my old neurosergeon suprized me and did my pre-op physical.  He said he would do the surgery and have me as good as new in a month or so.   This time its L3-L4 disk thats ruptured he will remove most of that and hopefully thats it.  He said the part he worked on before looks bad and that he may need to do a fusion.  I told him do whatever you think is best but I want it fixed.

My kids are going to their fathers house for a few weeks and my mom will stay with me for a few days.  I really don't have anything to fuss about  other than this coming around so fast.  I wish I had another week or two to get ready but whatever, it is what it is.  I made as many arrangements as I could with my bills.  My short term disabilty from my job stopped payments due to an investagation.  I gave them all the info I had on time, I don't know what to say.  Maybe I will get suprized and win the lotto.