Join Now
BatsindaBelfry 
Not a good day for me. I went south to visit my best friend who celebrates her 50 birthday and 25 years of marriage today. I felt fine, the weather was good and the journey uneventful. on arrival, after a while, San & I took her dogs out. As we walked through a woodland full of bluebells and sunshine, she asked me about my breaki up of my relationship approx a month ago.
I really struggled to find the words to describe how it ended and what had led to that point. I felt terrible as San acted almost as a 3rd parent when I was at my lowest. I was able to talk about stuff with her which I couldn't share with my parents, knowing that, despite her knowing them very well, she would never divulge. I felt like I had to justify my reasons for ending a relationship after 5 years, though she agreed with my reasoning. (my depressive episodes have come down the family's male side for 3 generations, affecting each heir. I just don't want to pass it on and, I know this is soft and self-centred, but I just don't want to be a father as I know deep down that I wouldn't cope with it and the awesome responsibilities)
it hit me then that, I feel more fragile than ever just now. My mood seems to change so quickly and I go from being capable to face nearly anything, to despair, sadness and the cold hard grip of melancholy which seems like a weight of darkness pressing down on me. I've felt like this for the rest of today, leaving her party, visiting my parents while trying to allay their worries by pretending alls well, then travelling back home.
if anyone's out there who comes across this, I would love some support right now. This may sound all confused and rambling but its how i feel when I have to open up any more than usual, just now. I'm feeling really alone and scared about the future, and in fact, making a new future for myself.
