Journal

Hallo all out there...

Just shocked myself.  I haven't written for 2 months though its difficult thinking of what to write.  I'm slowly getting going here with some sort of regular life though I've been off work for a couple of days with heat stroke, despite taking so many precautions I managed to cook myself.  Its a bit disconcerting being alone & sick - I can handle my depression day to day but having something else & trying to see myself through it has been a bit daunting.  My boss really had a go at me for going sick so Monday am could be joyous as he lays into me again.  Its just what one needs really. 

Hoping this week that I could be getting some sort of social activity going again.  Saturday afternoon is the big day though knowing me, I'll worry & fret all week then really enjoy myself on the day.  They sound like a good bunch, all of whom share an anxiety of socialising.  At least it'll be something to focus on getting through the week for.

Hallo folks out there..

Thought I'd better update, having just re-read my previous entry.  Life's settled down a bit more since I last typed though I continue to ride a rollercoaster each day with my thoughts and feelings.  I'm coping with it better than previous though which I guess is something. 

The future's a bit scary though.  I can cope with tomorrow & next week (I'm on leave @ last!!!!!!!!!) but longterm I don't know how to get on with it.  Even though I tend to just cope with life as day's & occurrences come along, I wonder where my life's going to go - whether I will love again, make more friends in my locality, settle with who I want to be or even share regular hugs with someone (God, I miss being hugged).  If anyone has any thoughts, I'd love to know.

Not a good day for me.  I went south to visit my best friend who celebrates her 50 birthday and 25 years of marriage today.  I felt fine, the weather was good and the journey uneventful.  on arrival, after a while, San & I took her dogs out.  As we walked through a woodland full of bluebells and sunshine, she asked me about my breaki up of my relationship approx a month ago.  

I really struggled to find the words to describe how it ended and what had led to that point.  I felt terrible as San acted almost as a 3rd parent when I was at my lowest.  I was able to talk about stuff with her which I couldn't share with my parents, knowing that, despite her knowing them very well, she would never divulge.  I felt like I had to justify my reasons for ending a relationship after 5 years, though she agreed with my reasoning.  (my depressive episodes have come down the family's male side for 3 generations, affecting each heir.  I just don't want to pass it on and, I know this is soft and self-centred, but I just don't want to be a father as I know deep down that I wouldn't cope with it and the awesome responsibilities) 

it hit me then that, I feel more fragile than ever just now.  My mood seems to change so quickly and I go from being capable to face nearly anything, to despair, sadness and the cold hard grip of melancholy which seems like a weight of darkness pressing down on me.  I've felt like this for the rest of today, leaving her party, visiting my parents while trying to allay their worries by pretending alls well, then travelling back home. 

if anyone's out there who comes across this, I would love some support right now.  This may sound all confused and rambling but its how i feel when I have to open up any more than usual, just now.  I'm feeling really alone and scared about the future, and in fact, making a new future for myself.