Yeah, just got back from another …
Yeah, just got back from another psychiatrist. This one thinks I'm depressed too...great. If this continues, I …
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WolfAngle 
3:02am, October 15, 2009
my day in bed was well worth it. i felt refreshed, tired but still felt better. poor kaz is going through a really hard time at the moment. i was speaking with her again while i was in bed, i think i need to buy her phone credit since she uses it up on me and another friend who is dying. she mentioned that someone is back and she wants to meet up with me one more time. so of course this is going to happen. i'm hoping on sunday since thats the only time i am free but she wants to first check if someone else does not want that day with her, any way when i asked her a few questions which made me think. an i dont know if it is possible but perhaps she’s relapsing. I know she is busy doing this type of treatment which does help but it runs a risk of causing the person to suffer. Now according to the doctors it was the only thing that can help kaz. I had the same treatment and for me it worked well although I cant say I enjoyed it but it did work but it being on trial doesn’t really help since they don’t know what to expect. Kaz knew the risks involved and said she only wanted her life back from the torture she knows. No kidding she lives in a daily torture, as you must of noticed from me talking about her but only because I am honestly scared and worried about her. Jason her boyfriend my friend is just as worried. But its not just the return of this voice but of many other things she keeps hidden away. I asked her once why she never speaks about things; she smiled (which by the way never reached to her eyes like it would normally) an said that she does talk but we’re just closed minded when she does. I honestly don’t know what she is talking about because she’s talking in her riddles once again. She had an operation on her left ring finger about 3 years ago, it was a success but sadly 3 years on its beginning to fail. She cant really wrap her head around it. She’s accepted it because she expected it but she wont accept it to a degree because she was hoping for more time. It looks like she will be having her first fused joint unlike me. I’ve had 6 fingers fused, my left ankle and 3 toes are all fused an possibly a hip depending on my next orthopaedic appointment. An I don’t think kaz can accept that this will be the reality in the end. She honestly wants a normal life just like her friends. It’s the one thing that can bring her to tears. She found out her friend was dying an she was not reduced to tears, her mum had to have an emergency heart op she was not in tears, put it this way she is emotionally distended with things when she has to be but put her and a few of her friends in the same room and she will be in tears not because of any social phobia but simply because she cant live her life like them, cant go out much. I’ve been able to help her understand so much but I find that this eds journey is a very personal journey as well. One that only one can travel by themselves. There is not enough information in the world to make people understand and when they claim they do understand it makes the situation so much harder. Kaz has accepted her diagnoses an knows she is progresses rapidly an she accepts that she may not live long, she welcomes death a little to fondly for my own liking however she cant accept she cant live her life like her friends do. I’ve tried to explain things to her an she listens but when I tell her some times her body just has to find a happy medium to this whole thing, she smiles an tells me that she has time to wait but she wont go down with out a fight to live a normal happy life. She does get angry a lot at friends but mainly at the ones who…well never mind. I don’t think I can even understand her train of thoughts. She lives a very disorganised life except when it comes to daily doctors. she see’s 6 different specialist a day! Every day except the weekend unless her heart gives her trouble. Some days she might only see one or two if she is lucky. Like tomorrow she has an orthopaedic appointment that’s it but if you looked at her Friday its just as busy as mine, lol. I suppose its very good to have a friend who can relate to you with your eds because its not something that can really be understood and as many of my old friends think (they think you can catch it like a disease but your actually born with the mutated gene/s) you can catch it and many attempted to fake their injuries which only resulted in me telling them to piss off and not wanting to see them ever again and I haven’t. I’m past that part of my life. But having kaz with me who understands and I with her it makes things easier. We ask each other if we are meant to expect things or not and if we don’t know kaz will go on to her site which she has made many Australian eds friends and ask them. I have now been officially placed on to pain medication which I don’t want to take. Its simple stuff but I still don’t want to take it as I would rather go with the natural way even though I know this wont work as well but I will try everything else but the pain medication unless I have surgery. I’m going to be studying physiotherapy, rather ironic but as my doctor said I should do well considering I know all the exercises and that plus I am hoping to rope in kaz with it as well, lol. See if she wont enjoy doing it with me and we can spend the day in one of our beds studying, lol. But she has to first finish her dog course which she has been finding hard to do due to her pain levels and her pain medication is no longer working for her. Poor chicka. My mum is going back to uni to finish her teaching degree in physiology and also tafe to finish her baking degree. So she’ll be very busy. My dad has been sacked from his job but he was already setting up a private business any way so it works out for him and he seems a bit calmer and not so stressed out from his highly strung work. Lol. Betsy my neighbour’s horse has just had a foul which is just adorable!! And looks a lot like dodo did with all of his spots, lol. I’ve spent today on the phone and still in bed as I was unable to move much because of the pain but I can still bare it even though kaz asked me why do I bother complaining to her when I wont bother taking the medication, lol. She refuses to listen to me if I wont help myself. She’s doing that with a lot of her friends these day but I cant blame her. I really should take the pain medication but I’ve seen what happens or can happen if your not careful and I don’t want to be like that. Poor chicka. Well I think this entry is rather long, lol. Sorry about that but I did have a lot on my mind even if a lot of it is about kaz.
UPDATED GOALS
start enjoying life
Progress 5%
Encouragements: 0
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