GeanneX's Journal

One of the most difficult things I find hard to do right now is starting my life over. Ive been trying out different things to get myself back on my feet but its pretty hard to keep the thoughts of what happened in the past buried.

True, I feel like Ive been thru a nightmare. How am I right now? Somewhat doin ok. I guess. Holding on. Striving for change. Hoping for something good to happen in my life.

I cant deny that the pain in my heart is still there. And recalling how I got the pain is just horrible and torturous.. I cry. I weep. I feel pity for myself at that moment when the memories haunt me. And then.. I go thru the process of sucking it up again..Sometimes its just tiring.

What I need right now is to stop going thru those things inside my head and focus on how to get myself back on my feet.

Sure, its easy to change the way you think and feel... Its being constant about thinking positively and feeling positive thats sort of hard to do.

I just cried again earlier. The pain they have caused me is real. Those things really happened. I cant pretend that they didnt happen to me because the memory keeps haunting me. Now what am I going to do about it... Curl up and die?

Ive gone thru the motions too many times.. Self pity, hate, questioning faith, questioning life, questioning myself, questioning God;

The "Why me?".. "What did I do wrong?".. "Why did they hurt me?"... Am I too sensitive? Am I too gullible?  The "I wish yould die for what you did to me", the "I hope yould suffer thrice as much as I am suffering", and wishing and thinking that "Things will never do well with you ever again because of what you did to me."  Why did God allow this to happen.. All those things... and so many more come across my mind everytime Im haunted by the past..

Sometimes I wish Id stop breathing, sometimes I wish my heart would stop beating. Sometimes I wish Id die in my sleep... But I know.. deep down inside.. a part of me wants to live.. A very tiny part of me wants to get over the horrible things that happened.. and no matter how small that feeling seems to be.. Its there.. I guess thats what keeps me alive. I havent abandoned hope.

Perhaps I have abandoned myself in the past. I dont want to do that anymore. If Im the only one who can help me I cant do it by acting like a stone in my room simmering on self pitty. I will not let that tiny hope inside me go. I dont want to let it go. Its all I have. 

I have to love that small part of myself that strives for something. I want to take care of it and make it grow. Thats one part of me that I will hold on to and nurture. I truely think that there is still a way to get myself to live again.

Im going to go now and try my best to focus on doing what Im supposed to do. (Its something for next week, -- thats good right, Im looking forward to getting something and Im preparing, trying to shape up myself so I can get it :-) ) I hope I get it, I want to get it and I better launch myself to get it :-)