Journal

Ok, so I found out that a friend is cheating on her husband. She sings in church every sunday morning, never misses church. He is such a good guy. A good dad to his son and even to her son from a previous marriage. He is devoted to her but he is in her words.... boring???? Wth does she want? A party every night? Any way, it opened an old wound and it is keeping me up at night. I would never tell her husband, simply because I wouldn't know how to tell him. I know what damage this will do to him. I know what it did to me. Loving someone and then being betrayed by them like that... Its killer.

Fucktard is still an ass. He has his big kids this week or until she goes off to college. I think she is there so he can get her what she needs for her dorm cause I don't think her mom would let her have any say in choosing anything for her new digs. He said it was going to be stressful for him because she was going to nag him about cleaning up the house. His house is really bad, you can barely walk thru it. There is a little path thru each room, except for the big kids rooms and their bathroom and his daughter keeps those clean. So he calls me yelling, screams at me that I am annoying the hell out him because I called and didn't leave a message.... News flash... I never leave a message. I simply text him a short message about what I need to talk to him about. I should have hung up then but I didn't. I pointed out to him that I did not like talking to him when he is like that.... after the official business was over, the chit chat.... like boy baby got his hair cut and didn't even whimper... he asked me about the babies, I was telling him... he laid the damn phone down... wasn't even listening.... I asked him if he was still there, no response.... i said "did you lay the phone down?" no response... Last statement I mad was " you are not funny" and I hung up the phone. He calls back after a minute and I didn't answer, I sent his sorry ass to vm.... He RAGES! Its true, you do teach people how to treat you. I should have never let him by with yelling at me when I answered the phone. Things had been going pretty good with the communication with us so this conversation caught me off guard. Anyway, until he is civil, I will not be taking his crazy ass calls. I don't treat him like that and I willnot be treated like that either.

So on to my next bitch.... I still don't have a job.... Still jobless and only one interveiw in over a month. That was for a part time postion. My other option is to go back to school. I really want to do this. Can I really afford it? Its going to take some serious discipline on my part... Even after I finish, will there be a job out there for me? I really want this job at the prision. They are suppose to start looking at applications this week. Both of the ladies have been out for a couple of weeks each. and plus it is a state job so its going to take a while. I keep thinking about how I don't want to lose my house. Damn it, I haven't evn had it a year and I would have no where to go if I lost it. I know I can do this... I know I can. I lived on way less when I left the fucktard and I made it but of course I didn't have this then house either.

Like a lot of of others lately, I lost my job. Laid off. So I have made some very tough choices. I thought I might take this chance to finish college. But I really need to work. I applied for a position with the state (at a prision) making about 8 g more a year than my previous job. I haven't heard back on any of the jobs that I have applied for. Not one call.  School starts in Aug.  Should I enroll? I figured a budget soley on my child support. I had to let the Jeep go to make ends meet. I called them to come and get it and they did. I can't afford two trucks. One is paid for so I kept that one. My credit is going to be ruined! But, I will be able to afford the house without a horriable struggle. Sucks, but I will do what I have to do to keep this home. Its not just four walls, its our home. Its where we are safe and happy.

Fucktard has recruited his daughter to help him try to tourture me. Guess what.... its not going to work. She text me a stupid threat.... I told her that there was nothing she could say to me that would mean anything to me now. He thinks he still has control of my emotions. How little does he know.

My best friend Mark has been my rock during this very hard time. He has been supportive and encouraging. And sometimes to full of advice.

My family has been really not much help. Even when I ask for help.

I feel alone again. This is so hard. Making all the choices alone.  Sleepless nights. Worry, overwhelming worry.