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art1st 
3:47am, October 14, 2009
We've had a few spats here and there and we've cuddled, we've laughed but hey not too many tears for a while now. We still do that $hit where we turn our backs to each other in bed... I HATE THAT but quite often I forgive her by morning and cuddle up to her before the next day starts. I love snuggling in behind and smelling the nape of her neck. It doesn't need to be sex just the warmth of her body is all I need to set me off on todays travels.
I'm going to be optomistic and say we've moved on for the better ...at least a little anyway!
Catch you all later and take care
UPDATED GOALS
Make My Marriage Work
Progress 15%
Encouragements: 0
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My VL went from undetectable to 180 ...another blip I hope. I talked with my specialist who didn't seem concerned. So just to recap my 2009 counts were:
CD4 307
VL 180
Jan 09:
CD4 433
VL undetectable
I had one very small new kaposi but that is fading away as I recover from my fight with the winter colds and flu. I really am going to work hard at keeping the CD4 up next winter with the use of Colloidal Silver starting circa Aug/Sep. If last summers counts were anything to go by I should recover to around 500 on the CD4 so if I can keep healthy over winter then I may just creep up to the 600 mark ...wow I think that is another goal for me this year.
P.S. Hello to you all and hope you are all keeping well.
Well the other week we argued like mad and she threw some real vile comments my way. Of Cause next day she was sorry and wished she'd never said those things, promising never to repeat them again. I forgave her once more but I always have that nagging suspicion she'll let loose again some day.
...but who am I? I'm the one with the virus and yet she says she loves me, I'm her rock, best friend and soulmate. She's struggling with my condition but she won't discuss it, thinking it's best left alone and we should just get on with our lives. BUT life is not normal anymore, the passion has gone (at least the spontaneous side). Yes we kiss and cuddle but when it comes to the other she's scared but won't admit it. I know she's scared of catching it but how does one rationalise this condition? Sometimes I feel we're doomed and then ...
This last weekend we had a great time, we laughed, loved and had some fantastic sex (protected) ...hell she even let go and had herself some fun ...I just love to please her and it makes me so happy when she has such a good time. Truthfully, I'm quite happy to go without and concentrate on her pleasure!
I hope she'll forgive me for discussing our private lives on here but I'm sure you'll agree I've not gone into too fine a detail and it's all anonymous. Still I can't help feeling guilty for talking about my wife without her knowing ...am I wrong? I just need someone to bounce off and help me make a go of things and I know you're all supportive and wish us well.
It's ok right now but I'm not sure we'll make it. Maybe she'll find another guy who's not HIV+ and I'll end up on my own. At least if it fails I can hold my hand on my heart and say I tried to make it work. I'll always love her though, whatever happens!
UPDATED GOALS
Make My Marriage Work
Progress 5%
Encouragements: 0
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Got my bloods this Wednesday. Hopefully all is well and I can move on trying to increase my CD4 count. Highest so far is 500 and the last one 433 but without doubt my near constant colds over the winter will have taken there toll. I'll be happy at even the slightest increase and with any luck the VL will still be undetectable.
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Sorry you both had an argument. It's difficult that she will not discuss your HIV. That must be tough for you. Is there any particular reason why she doesn't want to discuss it? Tell me to mind my own nosy business if that's too personal!!!
I think you are doing a great job re. your goal. You clearly love her dearly, as shown by your concern over posting details here and also in the way you write about her and the relationship. I want this to work out for you!!!
You're not wrong to be posting your worries and concerns. Better to talk about them than to keep it bottled up.
Good luck with your bloods.
Hugs.
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Marriage takes work no matter whether you're positive or not. It doesn't seem like you are berating your wife so to me it's okay to bounce things off of people and you make your own decision. Sometimes we need outside support to help us get through a situation and ignoring it doesn't make it go away. Trust me, that's what my ex-husband chose to do for most of our marriage and that's why he's my ex-husband. The Bible states "Out of the abundance the mouth speaks" - if you notice your wife and/or you say some pretty hurtful things constantly - there must be some truth to it and should be addressed or else the problem will grow and become worse...but that's just my opinion. I hope all works out for you. I really do. - Be blessed and bye for now - BlackOpal
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Hi Cent & Opal,
She doesn't want to discuss it because in reality it scares the hell out of her. She's an asthma sufferer and compares her cronic condition to ours saying we just have to get on with life, she can't understand my need to discuss it and educate myself about it. If HIV was so simple and the only issue was health then I think we could agree to some extent but it's not just the health side, it's the emotional nightmare and havoc that it wreaks on our relationships and personal lives.
We're two reasonably intelligent adults in our mid forties. She's what some people would call a very well organised business woman type but when it comes to showing affection and love, she's very much the hard type ...you know we don't need to be showering each other with love every five minutes type. I think that stems from her childhood when her dad left her mum at the age of 11. She still sees her dad most weeks but it's not a hugging close relationship ...just a keep in touch affair. To me that's very bizarre as I'm a big softy and very open with my feelings. It's the same with her mum, I don't think I've ever seen her hug her mum other than at New Years Eve singing "Auld Lang Syne"
She's a tough cookie that's what I said in my opening sentences of "Make My Marriage Work".
...You know what it is ...she's scared of being left again so she's put up a mental wall to protect her from the pain and now she finds it hard to show emotion. My theory is to work at making her drop her guard and open up but the problem with that ....to be truthful is that in doing so I may lose her one day. Or will she finally open her eyes and see that she's got someone who loves her madly already. I know she values me as a father to our boy and we have one very common bond there!
Sorry for the long-ish reply but I hope in response I've addressed the points you make and ask about
HUGS to you both
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That must be very difficult for you. It sounds as though she probably realises the emotional impact of HIV upon the relationship, but is blocking it by getting on with things and comparing it to asthma. Only thing is, asthma doesn't come with the baggage. I think you're doing a great job by sticking with it and trying to make it work!!!
Has she spoken with anyone about it other than yourself?
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I don't think so. She only has her mum but she's nearly 70 and this would probably cause her much distress and worry. I think if she were positive then she would tell her but being negative it's just out personal problem and it's under control.
Thanks for your replies ...hell what can I do but try?
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Well just got my CD4 back (307) and as I thought I took a big drop over the winter which was probably due to a cold and chest infection that lasted 7-8 weeks on and off. Now I'm waiting on my VL as the results are not back yet. Hopefully when I see my specialist in June they'll retest if the VL comes back higher than expected ...I'm guessing I blipped again and the restest will show my CD4 rising again and VL undetectable. I dread that word resistance!
I hate the winter months and will definitely be in following Ragg's footsteps by trying the Colloidal Silver come October time. I think I may even start earlier just to make sure.
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Artist...I am so glad you will follow my advice about the colloidal silver. I truly believe in it. Seems to work on everything. I had a wart about the size of a mosquito bite on my hand...gone in for days. I gentleman at my work has brown splotches all over his skin. His doctor treats him for free because the rarity of his condition as long as the doctors colleagues get to watch. The doctor has given him steroids, creams, retinae...Nothing seems to help. His doctor told him to be careful because all those spots are precancerous. I sprayed CS on the two worst spots on his leg 3 days ago. Those two spots are almost gone even though he has had his condition most of his life.
I had a cd4 count of 147, I take about 4- 6 tablespoons a day...I haven't been sick since take CS. The first few bottles I bought from the health store cost me $25 for 8 ounces. Then I found a website that has a colloidal machine for dummies that makes it for less than $1.50 a gallon. I am not going to list the website here because I don't want anyone to think I work for them. I have tried the store bought CS and the machine made CS. I can adjust the PPM on it and it turns off by itself when ready. Now if you can afford to buy store bought CS then by all means do, but if you like to save money I would buy the machine. The CS at the Health store is only 10 ppm. I make mine between 15-20ppm. I have given so much of it away because I believe in it the same way I do the bible. So Glad you are taking the advice. I wouldn't worry to much about Argia, you can use me as a litmus test. I have drank over 3 gallons of it in the last 5 months. Every once in a while I down a whole 6 ounce glass. I still am not blue, but even if I did turn blue it would better being blue than sick. Take care!
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The trouble is Raggs that when my cd4 drops I am very supect to more KS lesions. I hadn't had a new one in around 12 months or so but this winter was hell for me with one cold running into another and this really zapped me abviously allows pockets of the HHV8 (also called KSHV directly linked to KS) to multiply. My meds only stop HIV from replicating which is great but for me I must start and take extra precautions near winter time to try and reduce the risk of colds, flu and chest infections such that my CD4 remains above at least the 300 mark.
Thanks for your support Raggs, I really do value your friendship
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Art1st - I'm sorry that you and your wife feel like this. My husband and I went through this as well. She just needs to handle it her way. It helped me not to talk about it until I was ready to talk about it, but now I am fine about it. Has she seen a psychologist? If she is depressed maybe she needs to get on some meds. I started my depression meds about 2 months ago and I feel SO MUCH better!!
On another note becareful with the colloidal silver because it turned a man blue...lol...Seriously. I forgot his name though. He was on Oprah and Dr. Oz.
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TY 4MyFam hugs to you all once more. The summer months are not so bad, it's the winter that drags me down ...if I can get through a winter without a cold or infection it will be nothing short of a miracle ...plus it will help my cd4 considerably not to get flattened every year and that in itself is worth trying the CS
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Wednesday, 4/15
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Goal Updated
I'm glad that things are moving in the right direction for you and your wife. I can tell that you care for her and love her A LOT. ;-)
centaur77
Hi..I'm glad to hear all is going well. Not sure if I asked this previously - but have you two sought counseling? If you find the right one, it can definitely speed up the road to more cuddling and then some :-) - Be Blessed and bye for now - BlackOpal.
BlackOpal
Thank you both ...nice to see you guys still hangin out. Opal, we tried councilling many years back but have to say it wasn't a good experience ...the charit concerned just seemed to be interested in taking our cash. Needless to say we sorted it ourselves and 13 years together is testament to that!
art1st