cableman4u's Journal

 I've just lost 36 hours of my life. After checking phone, bank, Email, and other records and sources. I've found out that since late friday afternoon until about 6:AM this morning. I have no idea where I've been, who I was, or what I did. I actually thought it was Saturday morning when I woke up fully clothed this morning. I had a migraine all day friday and the last thing I can remember doing was getting on a local transit bus to go to Walmart about 5:PM friday. I'm concerned about this because quite often a migraine signals a Dissociative episode to follow. Usually only 3-4 hours of duration. I've been dealing with this problem since I was a very young child and from 17-21 years of age I was absent for weeks and sometimes months at a time. It usually is preceeded by a headache but not always. Perhaps my recent (titrated) reduction from 4mg of Ativan down to 3-1/2, 3, 2-1/2, and now 2mg because of a pharmacy error that doubled my dose back in Dec/08, has something to do with my increased anxiety levels. All I know for sure is my reaction to stress has worsened. I know that once I can gain mastery over this Complex PTSD which has plagued me since childhood, perhaps these Dissociative episodes will diminish as well. Stress and Anxiety and I don't mix well at all. I do hope my girlfriend reads this before jumping down my throat, because I didn't do something I was supposed to do either friday or saturday. I just wasn't here to do it. Period. I spoke to my psych nurse this past tuesday about a few of these problems that concern me, such as my fear of gaining anymore weight, and the dissociative episodes. As far as weight goes I'm at a healthy weight still compared to this time last summer. I just don't want to get up to my set point weight again for fear of going above it again. One of these days I hope I can look back at my whole life and smile instead of look back in fear.

Thank You for reading this.

(((HUGS)))

John