cableman4u's Journal

Originally I was writing this story as a response to a question posted on the stress question board and for some reason my computer kept wiping it out.

I'll tell you what anxiety causing stress does to me. It causes fear & anguish, which nearly drives me out of my mind at times. It leaves me nearly incapable of doing almost anything. I begin to sweat and sometimes panic. It leaves me, most often in a fight or flight response to little everyday things, such as waiting in a line up be it, a grocery store, a bank, a library, or waiting for a bus. It makes me nervous, agitated & hyper-vigilant to my surroundings. There are times I feel I am going to die if I don't or can't get away from whatever situation I'm in. That's the amount of sheer panic & terror I feel. It causes me to avoid things, situations & people that I may need or want but daren't take the chance of flipping out in front of other people who may think I'm just crazy-insane. At times just having someone innocently stand behind me makes my skin crawl. I'm okay on my own reading, writing or typing on the computer but if I'm being observed I'm so nervous that I can't even move. Not a good thing for a service person such as myself, concidering I install & service satellite, cable T.V., Internet, VOIP phone service as well as bank and school and residential security & fire alarm systems. For the most part, I bring home computers & other consumer electronics to fix where I can work on things alone & unobserved. Ativan helps me take the edge off the stress but also leaves me groggy. sometimes after taking the ativan I can utilize other coping skills such as meditation, incremental relaxation & gentle yoga stretching in a quiet environment. Yet utter silence drives me insane. The only other thing that helps me cope is the natural hormones released by extreme cardio-vascular exercise. It's a natural high for me that I seem to enjoy only after a workout that leaves me exhausted and dehydrated. So if I do  it I have to put 100% all or nothing into it. I suffer from concurrent illnesses & as a result I'm not only a perfectionist but if I work, I am driven to be the best, work the most hours, be the most productive, get the best performance reviews from customer feedback, the one that goes that extra mile to please the customer. As a result I can't take criticism especially self- criticism, which I constantly do in my strive for perfection and basically it leaves me incapable of doing even the most mundane jobs. If I try to force it or utilize tools the increasing levels of stress leaves me fearful of making mistakes which I invariably do make, so I have to check & double check everything I do because if I don't check the stress becomes disabling and eventually I'm incapable of doing anything at all. As an example I kept putting off my 2008 Incme Tax return because I didn't feel up to doing it. I had to have it done by the middle of Nov. to keep my subsidized apartment. So I forced the issue and it took me over 4 hours to do it because I kept making the same mistakes over & over again. I used to work for H & R Block as a tax preparer in a mall, doing hundreds of people's taxes each week. I suffer from complex PTSD(as the result of childhood sexual & emotional abuse & physical neglect), OCD, GAD, social anxiety, panic & agoraphobic disorders, BipolarII, BPD et cetera, not the least of which is my over 46 year battle with anorexia / bulimia. I actually concider myself a lot better off then I used to be, having overcome not needing to take insulin for my diabetes, not taking dexadrine(speed) for my narcolepsy, not having to rely on CPAP for a decent nights sleep with sleep apnea, no longer taking carbamazapine & phenobarbitol for a seizure disorder and demerol, morphine & bi-weekly epidurals for back pain & sciatica(after 25 years of pain)(I had microdisk surgery in 2002) Now I can walk without a limp, stand up & pee like a man and ride my bicycle everywhere. The only complaints at present are the terrible flashbacks to when I was a child, and dreams of same, agoraphobia which keeps me isolated, social anxiety with avoidance, major depression, very scarry dissociation, and of course anorexia nervousa.(7-1/2 months into recovery now having regained 45+ pounds) I concider myself to be lucky that I'm alive at all with all the abuse I've put my body through for all these years & I'm thankful & optimistic to not only be alive but getting better does not look nearly as impossible as it use to, especially lately thanks to all who care.

(((HUGS)))

John